Judy Garland and Fred Astaire star in another Irving Berlin holiday vehicle, Easter Parade.  Or as I like to think of it, the predecessor of She’s All That.

We’re introduced to Don, who is super focused on buying flowers, hats, and useless trinkets for his dancing partner, Nadine, because Easter is notorious for capitalist overconsumption.  In fact, he immediately cons a child out of buying a stuffed rabbit by playing drums with his feet.  Fred Astaire is like the uncle every parent hates because they buy shit for their kids that make a ton of noise.

Wow, a song about drums that features someone playing the drums.  Take note, Carmen Jones.

Returning to the hotel with his large bounty of gifts, Nadine (Ann Miller) confesses to Don she no longer wants to date or work with him, and instead has an offer to headline her own show.  Don tries to convince her to stay in his overbearing grasp by romantically singing in her ear, which only serves to skeeze me out since he’s 50 and she’s half his age.

Like, sure it’s Fred Astaire, and he’s ridiculously charming and a great dancer, but like… he could be her dad.  I will never understand why Hollywood cast and continues to cast movies like this; it’s uncomfortable.

Anyway, Don takes it like a champ and drowns his sorrows with a good ‘ol misogynistic bartender.  Riding high on the false assumption he taught Nadine all she knows, he vows to find another ingénue to imbue all his dancing knowledge, and if it makes Nadine jealous, so be it.

Enter Hannah Brown (Judy Garland), a painfully twee bar chorus dancer who sings about Michigan in a way nobody from Michigan would ever sing about Michigan.

He convinces her, because he’s famous, to quit her job and dance with him.  She, unfortunately, turns out to be a terrible dancer, which he wouldn’t expect from someone who is paid to dance nightly.  When she reveals she literally cannot differentiate her left and her right leg, he almost gives up, but like me, his heart melted from the moment she said “Good Morning” to him and he labors on.

On their lunch break, they run smack-dab into the Easter Parade, which is apparently a thing where people get all gussied up and walk down the street.  Nadine struts by them, living her best and most fabulous life.  Hannah is in awe of her, but Don, still salty from their breakup, reiterates that Hannah is going to destroy Nadine, whether she likes it or not.

Don then commences with plan “Make My Replacement Girlfriend Look as Much Like My Ex as Possible” by buying Hannah a bunch of clothes that don’t suit her and changing her name to Juanita because it is more “exotic”, which is some racist bullshit.  Hannah is also forced to prove her worth to Don by turning heads on the street.  She handles this in a creative and unique way.

Judy Garland is hilarious in this movie; I could not stop giggling at her.  

Juanita and Hewes enter the vaudeville circuit with their new act, which goes dubiously at best.

Nadine and Don attempt to have lunch afterward, but it goes about as well as his performance with Hannah.  He tries to convince Nadine she’d be nothing without him, and she chides him for trying to clone her.  Don then decides on his own volition (and definitely not because Nadine said her friends were mocking him) that maybe Hannah would be more comfortable if she wasn’t imitating someone else.  Hannah is thrilled with their change of direction and knocks every performance out of the park, gaining them notoriety and landing them an audition with Mr. Ziegfeld himself.

It is quickly revealed that Nadine is the headliner of the show Hannah and Don were auditioning for, and when Hannah finds out that Don and Nadine used to date, she is understandably upset.  He reassures her there’s no hard feelings there, and turns down the Ziegfeld show because, as he tells Hannah, her and Nadine don’t belong on the same stage.

Except Hannah is right and Don’s not totally over Nadine.  He attends her new show to see how good it is, and hoooooly shit, Ann Miller, you are a legend.

I think there’s only one other Ann Miller movie on this list and that is not enough.  I just want to relive these numbers over and over again.  I came to find out later that she filmed this with a BROKEN FUCKING BACK after her drunk husband pushed her down a flight of stairs causing the miscarriage of their child and I just… dude.  I have no words to describe how goddamn strong this woman was.  She also, according to biographer Walter Isaacson, gave war criminal Kissinger lip when she saw him on a date with Bond girl Jill St. John, questioning why he was having fun in public while “our boys in Vietnam are getting their heads shot off.”  Queen. Shit.

Don uses this as motivation to snag Hannah and him their own headlining show, and then celebrates their achievement by making out with her.  He realized they were in love this whole time, and that making Nadine jealous wasn’t as important as their new endeavor…  Sure.  Hannah sings Don and Nadine’s famous song in response and yeah, this whole thing is creepy, I don’t like it.

Opening night for Hannah and Hewes’ new show arrives, and it is spectacularly received.  Fred Astaire is exuberant, and you cannot ask for a better performer than him.  He exudes an effortless joy that is insanely infectious.

The number he and Judy share after this one is… a choice.  Even though Judy is ridiculously funny, I’m not going to attempt to defend this.

Afterward, they celebrate the opening of their own show by crashing Nadine’s show directly afterward, because Jesus, who wouldn’t want to watch Ann Miller?

This poor woman, who broke it off with Don because she wanted to strike it out on her own (and by the way, wasn’t in love with him…), gets a gig headlining a show that she CLEARLY deserves.  Don not only tries to replace her with literally anybody, but he dresses his new pet up and teaches her how to dance like Nadine.  Nadine’s friends have to tell her this information, which obviously embarrasses her to the point where she has to confront Don about it.  He then shows up with with his new girlfriend to audition their act at Nadine’s new place of business.  He’s so butthurt by Nadine standing up for herself he decides to headline his own show, only to then steal the glory from Nadine’s show by showing up as an audience member immediately afterward, pulling all the focus to him and his new girlfriend.  Nadine doesn’t crack under pressure, and graciously asks him to dance with her, presumably to prove to Hannah that this man is still hung up on his ex, and Nadine’s painted as the villain for it.

Also, it’s pretty clear Don was pigeon-holing her into this ballroom dancing role, since Nadine clearly can tap dance and sing just as good as Hannah.  No wonder she wanted to break free of their partnership, cheese and crackers.  #JusticeforNadine

Anyway, Hannah is broken hearted by Don and Nadine’s dance and runs off to get drunk at the bar where they met.  When Don runs into her later, he convinces Hannah him and Nadine’s dance was their version of breakup sex, and that he wants to move forward with his partnership with Hannah.  She believes this for whatever reason, and struts down the lane during the Easter Parade with Don on her arm and a shiny new engagement ring on her finger.  The End.

This movie, by all accounts, was fun for everyone to film, and it shows.  This was supposed to be a darker movie with Vincente Minnelli directing, but I’m glad with the director change came a light, fluffy story about dancing and hats.  While the plot did elicit a lot of eye rolls from me, the songs and dance numbers are great, and there isn’t a weak link in the cast list.  

Happy Zombie Jesus Day, everyone!

Welcome to the little-known Irving Berlin classic film White Christmas, starring a bunch of people you’ve never heard of singing a bunch of songs that never really caught on.

I’m joking.  You have to know I’m joking.

Actually, I’m in the minority of people that didn’t see this movie until I was well into adulthood.  Netflix put it up on their streaming service, and I thought, “Sure.  I’d love to know what Clark Griswold’s barometer of cheer is.”  I wasn’t blown away by it, but it worked its way into my yearly yuletide viewing because of two things:

• Bing Crosby’s buttery soft voice that reminds me of when they would dub birds on Looney Tunes with crooners and chickens would lose their shit.
• Vera Ellen’s dancing.  No elaboration needed.

The actual plot of Wallace and Davis saving their former Army General’s inn from going out of business is touching.  I’m going to put a pin in this tangent for later, but I find it really interesting the amount of media released centered around WW2.  We still release WW2-centered movies on a regular basis.  In contrast, events I’ve lived through in my life, like 9/11, the conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan, even the pandemic we’re in right now – we haven’t seen depictions of those events reflected in media on that kind of scale.  Holiday movies that were filmed this year have gone out of their way to avoid referencing that we’re in a pandemic at all.  The lack of extras, overuse of sound stage sets, green-screened Dolly Parton awkwardly floating over dance numbers… it’s almost weirder to avoid the post-apocalyptic-like emptiness completely than it would be to casually reference it.  I understand that media is supposed to be a form of escapism, but ignoring massive touchstones of humanity like they aren’t affecting the entire goddamn planet is almost more eerie.

The romanticism of WW2 may be a way to justify a very dark time in history, and provide comfort to soldiers by looking at the camaraderie through rose-colored glasses.  While White Christmas touches on the adjustment soldiers felt after returning home, other movies on this list like Cabaret and The Sound of Music address the war head-on, so I’ll defer my deep dive and try to keep this review light.  Because (Linda Belcher voice) it’s *Christmas*.

So, right… Wallace and Davis, a couple of showmen stationed overseas during the war, stage a Christmas concert for the troops.  General Waverly, who is injured and soon to be replaced, says goodbye to his soldiers after everyone is already crying at Bing Crosby’s rendition of “White Christmas”.  At the end of the performance, the regiment is attacked, and Wallace saves Davis from a falling building.  Wallace uses the guilt as leverage to convince Davis to join him in a travelling double act after the war is over.

They become wildly successful, but Davis is a bit of a workaholic.  In an attempt to get any semblance of free time away from his friend, Wallace repeatedly sets Davis up with some hot showbiz girlz.   Davis makes a lot of assumptions about their literary accomplishments and blows them off.

Wallace basically reams him a new one, advising Davis that he’s aging quickly and it won’t be long before women won’t find him sexually attractive.  Bob accurately identifies that the age of the women he’s being introduced to is probably inappropriate because they’re at different stages of their lives, but he concedes and promises the next time he finds a lady who wants to pop out kids, he’d consider settling down.

After this heart to heart, they head to a club in Florida to check out the musical act of the relatives of an old army buddy.  Conveniently, the army buddy’s sisters are really hot, so Wallace and Davis are captivated by their performance.  

“Sisters” will get stuck in my head for days after I watch this movie.  It makes me ignore the hilarious fact that these two women are supposed to be related.

Wallace quickly finds out that Judy and him are in a similar situations – Betty is overprotective of her younger sister, and Judy is desperate to get her sister laid so she can have some freedom herself.  They brainstorm ways to force Betty and Bob together, even though there is no reason on earth for them to even like each other.  In fact, Betty and Bobby’s first interaction is a disagreement about how motivations can drive a person’s actions… which seems obvious, but Betty is so offended that Bob might think she has an “angle” that she ices him out.  Even though The Haynes Sisters conned them into viewing their act.  Sheesh.

The romantic subplot between Betty and Bob is EXHAUSTING.  It makes zero sense, they have no chemistry, and it is unbelievably repetitive and tedious.  If I could watch a supercut of this movie that omitted this entirely, I think my enjoyment of this film would skyrocket.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Some convoluted shit happens that results in the sisters climbing out a back window while Wallace and Davis create a distraction for them by performing their “Sisters” number.  It’s a choice.

The quartet is later reunited on a train to Vermont, as the Haynes Sisters have a gig there for the Christmas holiday.  Since Wallace gave away their sleeping car to the dames, Davis bitches about having to sit up in the club car, overselling how comfortable a train bed is every chance he’s provided.  They pass the time singing about how magical Vermont snow is, which is a sentiment expressed by people who haven’t had to shovel their driveway several times a day in negative temperatures so the mailman can reach their front door.

Once they arrive in Vermont, Wallace and Davis quickly discover that their beloved General Waverly owns the Inn Betty and Judy are booked to perform at.  We’re treated to yet another rendition of “Sisters” because it’s the only song Betty and Judy know, and afterward the nosey housekeeper divulges all of the General’s financial woes to Wallace and Davis, which is just so rude, I can’t even start to explain how shitty it is. Turns out, the lack of snow is preventing guests from visiting, and causing the General’s business to slowly go under.  As expected from four people in the entertainment industry, they decide to put on a big show to attract guests.  Wallace and Davis call their entire crew to come to Vermont, even though the day before they had given them 10 days of paid leave off.  If I were their employee, I’d be pissed.

They start rehearsing the show in a barn the size of an airplane hanger.  The first number they rehearse waxes poetic about old minstrel shows, reciting a bunch of jokes about abusing and murdering dogs, and talking about how ‘ol Georgie Primrose was awesome.  How many times am I going to have to address that blackface was bad on this list?

“Mandy” is a weird and annoying song to me, and the stage and costume colors hurt my eyeballs.  But there is one person who saves this number, and it’s Vera Ellen dancing her ass off while being manhandled by a bunch of dudes.

Honestly, it’s my dream to be a part of a musical number where men are forced to pretend you’re the fucking best.

After the number concludes and the 3 people who were watching it applaud, Betty asks Judy if the tempo of the number worked for her in the part of the song that is literally repeated over and over and over… giving Bob the chance to sneak up and play the piano next to her, creating *a moment*.  This feels so tacked on and bizarre and their romance it’s so dummmmmbbbbb ughhhhhh

Later, Wallace and Judy conspire for Bob and Betty to have yet another meet cute where they eat romantic foods like liverwurst and buttermilk and talk about sheep and I just… sure.  Betty apologizes for jumping down Bob’s throat at the club, since he was only there out of the goodness of his own heart.  Bob warns Betty that holding people to impossible standards will ultimately disappoint her, and then a extremely awkward kiss happens between a 51-year-old Bing Crosby and a 26-year-old Rosemary Clooney.

The next morning, Bob has a very well written interaction with General Waverly, where the General expresses interest in joining the army again, only to have those dreams dashed 30 seconds later.  This gives Bob the idea to invite the old regiment to the performance as a way to emotionally validate the General, which is touching and freaking adorable.  He arranges to put the word out to the soldiers on a television program, which the housekeeper overhears incorrectly on the phone and believes that Wallace and Davis are going to parade the general in front of the nation and talk about how pitiful he is for clout and profit.  She communicates this to Betty, who is understandably put off by the idea, but instead of confronting Wallace and Davis about it, or confiding in her sister, or warning the General herself, she decides to commit a series of the most passive aggressive statements and actions that Bob and the crew cannot possibly begin to decipher, even though they point-blank ask her why she is upset multiple times and she declines to inform them.

Judy, who also loves to jump to conclusions, assumes Betty is pushing Bob away because she can’t get married until she does.  Judy then convinces Wallace to pretend they’re engaged so Betty can move forward with Bob guilt-free, except to the surprise of nobody, this completely backfires and Betty drops out of the show and leaves to perform at a club in New York.

Again, this whole fucking thing could have been avoided if the housekeeper or Betty asked Wallace and Davis about what their intentions were for the show.  Betty leaving and not saying a word is not only petty, but also sets up the General to be exploited anyway, which is the whole thing she was upset about in the first place!  Her reaction causes Wallace and Judy to come clean to Bob about their scheme, and he decides to look Betty up while he is in New York and set her straight on the whole situation.  When he finds her, she has the absolute nerve to sing a song about love doing her wrong, even though she’s created all these problems in her own head and OH MY GOD BETTY IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

She’s dismissive of Bob and the news her sister isn’t actually engaged, and he mentally curses himself for writing off the “easy” girls before.  Of course, Betty later discovers she’s been acting a fool, returns to Vermont, and performs in the show.  The regiment travels from all over the country to pay their respects to General Waverly in a scene that makes me tear up cause it’s so fucking precious, goddamn.

In the middle of the performance, Bob and Betty get back together, even though Betty is a toxic person who has not once expressed interest in settling down and popping out 9 children, which was Bob’s only requirement for a mate in the beginning of the movie. I’m sure their relationship will be long and functional.

All these happy maskless white people drinking booze in the same room together really triggers some covid conspiracy-related rage inside of me.  Merry fucking Christmas, everybody.  

Also, here are some more videos of Vera Ellen dancing, because really, that’s what saved this movie for me.