This has been living in my drafts page for months waiting for me to have progressed further down this list, but with the passing of Christopher Plummer, I felt like it was an appropriate time to publish and gush about a movie that is a huge part of his legacy.
When I was a young, awkward child, I adored Dame Julie Andrews. I cited her as my hero many, many times, and forced my poor classmates to listen to me talk about her in presentations. She is an icon that needs to be preserved at all costs.
Surprisingly, The Sound of Music’s favor, for whatever reason, had diminished in my brain as I’ve gotten older (probably because it’s very children-focused). I’m going to admit, I was not super stoked to watch this movie. That attitude was completely unfair, because honestly, this is the best you can get for family entertainment. It may be annoyingly “saccharine sweet”, but the quality of the film is so high, I wouldn’t mind one bit if my kids wanted to pop it in and enjoy. The great majority of the songs are catchy as hell (I mean, it’s Rogers and Hammerstein, of course…), the actors are all fantastic, and the film is ridiculously pretty. Just fucking gorgeous.
Going to admit, when they zoomed in and Dame Julie started singing, I shocked myself by starting to cry. Every time I hear her speak or sing I’m just a waterfall, I don’t know what it is about her that makes me like this?! Jesus, it’s almost as if I have a heart.
Sidenote: This is a wide, panning shot that was filmed from a helicopter and it doesn’t make me want to spew. So, it’s possible, A Hard Day’s Night.
For those not acquainted with The Sound of Music (how did you manage that? I’m so curious), Maria is a nun-in-training who causes general chaos around the nunnery for things like… being late to mass or singing in the hallways. The other nuns are distracted by this behavior, so the Reverend Mother decides to send Maria on a Catholic Rumspringa to be a governess for a local sea captain’s seven motherless children, as a governess is the only thing that can fix this broken family. The way Maria sings “I Have Confidence”, you’d think she’s living an episode of Scared Straight.
The Captain himself is fairly terrifying, but he has whistle-trained his children pretty well. He warns Maria they’ve gone through 11 governesses before her, but, “There’s nothing wrong with the children, only the governesses.” This is an attitude a lot of parents have that probably shouldn’t. The children immediately try to scare Maria off, but she uses her Catholic guilt superpowers to make them all cry at dinner, so they decide to like her after that.
Meanwhile, the only child they bother to bake a personality into, Liesl, is making doe eyes at a Nazi telegram boy that constantly affirms she is a child before kissing her and running away. Maria keeps this on the DL, which wins Liesl’s favor as well.
The next morning, the Captain leaves to fetch the children’s future surrogate mother figure, the Baroness, who he’s been known to spend months away from the house banging while the children were being raised by a series of terrorized nannies. Maria takes this Captain-free opportunity to teach the children how to sing, because music is the only thing that can fix this broken family.
Sidenote: Did you know this song inspired the name choices of the leaders of the Heaven’s Gate cult? This movie has a very large area of effect, is what I’m saying.
When the Captain returns to find his children tipped over in a canoe and soaking wet, he scolds Maria, as he does not appreciate his kids spending their summer vacation climbing trees. Maria is the only person in a series of 12 nannies to ever stick up to him, which gets his panties all in a bunch. He almost sends her packing, until he hears his children singing, and somehow that reminds him they’re tiny human beings he should be viewing as blessings instead of burdens. Maria gets to stay and show off several other rehearsed musical numbers with The Captain’s children, leaving the Baroness to wonder…
The Captain also joins in and plays Wonderwall with an acoustic guitar, which makes Maria’s ovaries pop. In order to divert the Captain’s attention back to her, the Baroness suggests they throw a party for all her friends in the Captain’s huge mansion. He seems excited to show off his now non-parasitic children, and quickly arranges a formal affair with dinner and dancing. Things take a turn early in the evening, however, as he is more interested in feeling up his nanny instead of entertaining his guests.
The Baroness begins to suspect something may be going on with little-miss-perfect child raiser and her hunky boyfriend, so she politely asks Maria what the fuck her intentions are with her man. When Maria feigns shock at the Baroness’s accusations, the Baroness suggests she may want to reconsider her placement in the Von Trapp household if she intends on keeping her vow of celibacy. Maria leaves the house in the dead of night, because although she is a headstrong nuisance in the convent, she most certainly is not a homewrecker. The children are devastated, but the Captain looks pleased as punch because The Baroness has decided to marry him, and a new, emotionally-distant mother is the only thing that can fix this broken family. This also leaves him free to continue not to parent his children or be forced to find replacement governesses every few days.
The arrangement lasts all of an afternoon, as Maria is kicked out of the convent for being obviously in love with a man and his seven children. Mother Superior suggests maybe it’s God’s plan for Maria to parent them instead of annoy a bunch of nuns for her entire life. When she arrives back at Mansion Von Trapp, the Baroness sees the writing on the wall and graciously bows out of her engagement with the Captain to make way for Maria to take her place.
In the grand legacy of men banging their nannies, not 30 seconds after the Duchess departs, Maria and the Captain are making out in the gazebo. They decide to get married 30 seconds after that, because having a governess as the children’s new mother is the only thing that can fix this broken family. Marriage is also the solution to the nuns Maria problem, so they’re surprisingly cool with it.
Then, in the last 3rd of the movie, it gets all Nazi invasion-y and the family has to flee Austria ‘cause they’re understandably not down with Hitler. Rolf tries to turn them in because he’s an impotent cuck for the Third Reich, but they manage to get away and hike the alps for all eternity.
Now that we’re all up to speed, here are my Sound of Music hot takes:
The Captain is actually a swoon-worthy Antifa Daddy with a capital D? The last time I watched this movie I was a literal child, so clearly the love story was not appealing. Color me surprised that upon rewatch, the Captain was doing it for me.
- He easily admits when he has been wrong, which is unbelievably sexy.
- He is vocally against the invasion of Austria, and constantly throws shade at his friends who either show no political affiliation, or are simping for Hitler.
- He’s brave as fuck and leads an Austrian solidarity sing-along in front of a bunch of Nazis. He also risks his life by confronting gun-toting Rolf so his family can get away.
- Also, there is no way this dashing young Christopher Plummer fathered 7 children. I’m glad the movie aged him down, though, because there was a 25-year age difference between the real Captain and Maria, which would have been really rough to watch.
The Baroness is not a bad person. Look, I get it, the movie is set up so Maria and the Captain can live happily ever after, but is The Baroness really that bad?
- She has an excellent understanding of the Captain, and acknowledges his behavior with her and his children is a direct result of the grief he felt after losing his wife.
- She’s his economic equal, so she’s not marrying him to gain any sort of status or wealth. There is no power imbalance between the two of them.
- She glamorous, witty, charming, and probably great in bed, considering the Captain would leave for months at a time to “court” her
- She spoke with Maria about her behavior with the Captain in the most civilized way possible. She didn’t confront her in front of other people to embarrass her, she didn’t try to sour the Captain’s opinion of her, and she didn’t try to turn the children against her or make her look incompetent at her job. She identified a situation was unfolding, and correctly assumed that Maria, a literal nun, wasn’t aware of how her actions were being perceived. She wanted to remind Maria she came to the household to serve God, not get a husband, so unless her objective had changed, she needed to leave before it progressed further.
- The minute the Captain admitted he was in love with Maria, she didn’t argue or get upset – she just left. She didn’t want or need a man that didn’t love her. She deserved better.
- All of this is to say… Why the fuck did they pull out the “Well, boarding school exists!” card when she showed no previous malice to the children before then, and had expressed interest in getting to know them better and assuming the role as the mother? She didn’t have children, so it was natural she wouldn’t connect with them immediately, but to turn her into the villain who would separate the Captain from his newly formed connection with his kids came out of nowhere and it was dumb.
The last 3rd of the movie where it Nazis pretty hard could have been cut because it feels tacked on as an afterthought. Yeah, I know, this one is the hottest of all takes.
- The main conflict of this movie, as defined in the first act, is Maria finding her main path in life. This is resolved when she marries the Captain. “Maria” literally bookends this storyline, first asking “How do you solve a problem like Maria?” and then answering, “You marry her off!”
- There aren’t any new songs, they just reprise the other ones for a second, sometimes 3rd time.
- The impending Nazi invasion is mentioned in the beginning of the movie, but it is dropped quickly every time it comes up. The doom isn’t felt, even though we all know it’s coming, because it’s covered up with raindrops on roses and puppet shows about goatherds. It’s a sharp left turn for the last 45 minutes of the movie, and it takes a good love story and ends it in an unsettling way.
- The Von Trapp family are real fucking people, and them escaping out of Austria is a HUGE part of their story, and I do not want to diminish that part of their life experience at all because it must have been terrifying and heartbreaking. The movie could have done more to show their real opposition to the invasion, including the fact Captain von Trapp invested all his money in Austrian banks to prevent an economic collapse, and prevented his family from singing at Hitler’s birthday. If these things were included throughout the entire movie, it wouldn’t have felt so disjointed toward the end.
- I’m just saying, I find it super curious that if this wasn’t based on a true story, the Nazi invasion could have easily been lifted out of the movie and it would still have been feature film length with the same songs.
The Sound of Music is a cultural juggernaut that few other films on this list can compete with. While it may not be my cup of tea, it doesn’t mean the tea isn’t refreshing, or excellent in its craftmanship. No doubt I will find myself absent-mindedly humming every musical number from this movie for the next several weeks, and honestly? I’m looking forward to those little injected moments of joy.
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