Imagine for a second you’re Disney. For over a decade, you’ve been in negotiations with the Jim Henson company to acquire the rights to their intellectual property. You’ve had some partnerships in the past, and a few theme park attractions based on The Muppets, but you want the whole thing. In 2004, your dream finally comes true. You can do whatever you want with Kermit and the crew, but… what? Television? Holiday specials? No, A MOVIE! A movie that hearkens back to a time where The Muppets only existed to make people happy. A time before they needed to advertise Red Bull, and Cars 2, and Mickey Mouse. The only problem is, the Muppets have not been around for a long time. People aren’t clamoring for new Muppet content, which is terrible, because you just spent a lot of money on this thing, and you need people to buy t-shirts and theme park tickets. So, the most important thing you need to communicate in this new Disney-funded project, is that The Muppets, are indeed, still cool.
But how do you communicate that? Well, you hire Jason Segel to help write the movie. He loves The Muppets, and people love seeing him on that TV show every week because he’s fucking adorable! Not to mention, Forgetting Sarah Marshall is one of the surprise hit comedies of the last few years. Have him write a script that could have been a really touching story about a neurodivergent boy’s coming-of-age, and his older brother’s acceptance that he can thrive in a community of people like him, and BURY IT under Muppet references from the last 40 years. Remember the super rich and famous contract? The road trip to get The Muppets back together? Jake being left at the car lot? The Muppet Show theme? THE RAINBOW CONNECTION? The kids won’t, but their parents or grandparents might!
OK, story is done, time to cast this thing! Amy Adams was beloved in Enchanted, sign her on! And while you’re at it, scattershot a request to every celebrity to make a 20 second cameo for kicks! The original Muppet properties used to do it, so it won’t be that strange. You want every audience-goer to point at their screen every five minutes and exclaim, “Hey, I know that person!” But no human will really do anything of importance in this movie. 75% of the time Amy Adams and Jason Segel will stand in the back of scenes and make reaction faces to whatever The Muppets are doing, making the audience wonder if they are really necessary at all to tell this story.
Next, you need music, so you hire one half of the 4th most popular folk duo in New Zealand. He has a ton of experience in the parody genre, and is like, HBO famous, so he’s probably pretty reasonably priced. He’s going to do a great job writing original songs, and original songs are a staple of Muppet movies. His songs are going to rightfully win you an Academy Award. The problem is, original songs don’t do anything to make The Muppets seem *hip*. Again, making The Muppets seem relevant is the goal here, so pick a random smattering of pop songs over the last 3 decades for the Muppets to sing to, like the *classic* Jefferson Starship song “We Built This City on Rock and Roll”, and Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. Make a joke, though, that it’s weird that they’re doing it, because otherwise people are going to read it too seriously.
Speaking of comedy, you’re going to lean really heavily on physical gags to make the audience laugh. Walter will get electrocuted! Gonzo will somersault from a roof! The Muppets will stand on each other to form one big Muppet Man! They’re going to work together to ninja chop Jack Black and force him to host The Muppet Show! But practical effects are expensive, so you’re going to add them all in post with the laziest CGI people have seen in a movie since 1996. This movie will also present The Muppets in high definition, which make the puppets themselves look… haggard and lifeless, because they’re sponge, and most of their eyes don’t blink.
Sidenote: The gag where they shove Jack Black in the trunk and Kermit flips out is the funniest scene in the entire movie . If you skip the rest of this mess, please at least watch that, because I was rolling.
If you’re lucky, you’ve nostalgia-bated enough people into attending your movie, making it financially successful! Now, you need the final scene of the movie to reiterate that the viewer, and the general public, do in fact love The Muppets. The entire street is filled with people holding signs and cheering for more! Don’t leave us again, Kermit! We want to see your movies and watch your shows and buy your merch. We’ll like, share, and subscribe!
Then, the big climax… fireworks. In the shape of Mickey Mouse.
I still liked it better than The Muppets Take Manhattan.