Merry Christmas! I had to get a little creative since I’d blown through the explicitly Christmas movies on this list back in 2021.
A few years ago Leena Norms released a Non-Christmas Christmas movies video which highlight movies that are not set during Christmastime, but give you that same cozy feeling when you watch them. I came up with my own list and lo and behold amongst the three Hugh Grant movies sits one excellent musical:
- Where the Heart Is
- About a Boy
- Sense and Sensibility
- Pride and Prejudice
- Music and Lyrics
- Under the Tuscan Sun
- Moonstruck
- Waitress
- Pitch Perfect
- Gentleman Prefer Blondes
I’m a child of the 90s; I don’t have to defend why Mr. Grant’s awkward blinking is comforting to me.
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes is a yearly Non-Holiday Christmas staple in my household. It’s fashionable, uncomplicated, catchy, and hilarious. I first sought out this movie somewhere around my 50th time of watching Moulin Rouge and I was overwhelmed with the instant love I felt for Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe. They’re both incredibly funny, with Jane’s quick wit and biting comebacks and Marilyn’s smooth talking manipulation. And oh my god, not to beat a dead horse, but I couldn’t help but notice they’re absolutely gorgeous. If it weren’t for Ernie Malone being the dumbest person for Dorothy Shaw to fall for, this film would be perfect. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Fair warning that every single song is a certified banger. It’s no wonder – Jule Styne, who wrote the music for the original musical, also worked on Funny Girl. Hoagy Carmichael and Harold Adamson, the two who wrote the movie-originals, “Ain’t There Anyone Here for Love” and “When Love Goes Wrong (Nothin’ Goes Right)” similarly had prolific writing careers. You will be humming these tunes in your head for days, sorry not sorry.
Meet Dorothy Shaw (Jane Russell) and Lorelei Lee (Marilyn Monroe), two stage performers the studio executives didn’t dare try to pass off as sisters. Each are guided by one thing – Lorelei is trying to marry her way into security and Dorothy just wants to get laid a lot. Big mood.
Their mid-tier notoriety has allowed Lorelei to attract a wealthy beau, the precious Gus Esmond Jr. (Tommy Noonan). His father, who bankrolls his behavior, doesn’t approve of the match, which is why Lorelei has concocted a plan – They will set sail on a boat to Paris and get married in Europe, far away from his father’s influence. If Gus gets cold feet about the marriage and bails last minute, Lorelei and Dorothy will disembark regardless, only to return to the states when Gus comes to his senses and makes a commitment that matches the massive piece of ice on her finger.
As Lorelei predicted, her and Dorothy are soon escorted on the boat to Europe, France for their non-romantic voyage. Gus has funded this entire endeavor of course and is counting on Dorothy to wrangle Lorelei and prevent her from getting in trouble. Dorothy takes her responsibilities to Lorelei incredibly seriously, but immediately befriends the entire USA Olympic team to entertain herself.
It takes everything within Gus to leave Lorelei on that boat, bribing her with gifts while pleading for her to be a good sport. She responds by placating his anxieties, “Daddy! Sometimes I think there’s only one of you in the whole wide world!” This only proves that Marilyn was the only person who is allowed to say “Daddy” without us all collectively cringing.
I would absolutely lose my mind if Marilyn looked at me like that. The syrup in her voice kills me.
Marilyn had an acting coach, Natascha Lytess, that annoyed the director Howard Hawks because Marilyn constantly deferred to Lytess instead of him. It got to the point where he booted Lytess from set because clearly Marilyn didn’t need the coach since she had perfectly crafted her image and executes on it flawlessly. Lytess eventually returned after a one-week hiatus after Hawks determined it wasn’t worth the fight and humored Marilyn by letting her do extra takes without telling her there wasn’t film in the camera.
The second the boat leaves port, Lorelei gets right to work trying to find a “suitable escort” for her friend by casing the passenger list for those who are most likely loaded. Dorothy scoffs noting, “I like a man who can run faster than I can,” before Lorelei scolds her for not considering she may be destitute in the future if she settles for a man who is pretty and nothing else. Dorothy takes this advice to heart by wandering over to the gym to ogle the athletes in their swimsuits.
Is Dorothy really here for love? Because that boner in her pants really suggests she’s only here for a good time.
It actually was an accident that Jane was pushed into the pool by a low-flying dancer, but they left the mistake in the movie because it played so well. Neither Jane nor Marilyn had danced on film before Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Jack Cole (assisted by Gwen Verdon) was hired as the choreographer, and Jane reveals that while Mr. Cole was slightly terrifying to work for if you were a professional dancer (I can’t imagine the conversation that happened with that man after dunking Jane), Jack had enough patience to teach Jane and Marilyn how to dance. Furthermore, Jack took the lead in directing the musical numbers since Hawks realized his lack of experience in musical theater would hinder the film. This is most likely why they’re so flippin’ good, because if we’ve learned anything from Gene Kelly, choreographers tend to frame musical numbers in a way that features the talents of the performers.
While everything seems fine and dandy on the SS FindARichMan, there is a fella on board hell-bent on exposing Lorelei for the gold-digging hussy that she is. Ernie Malone (Elliott Reid) is a private investigator hired by Mr. Esmond’s father and is tasked with providing hard evidence that Lorelei is fucking around on Gus. Since Dorothy and Lorelei are easily the most attractive people on board Malone finds them immediately and even overhears Lorelei making grand plans of ensnaring the heir of a whole state – a large one, like Pennsylvania or something – but misunderstanding this task is for the benefit of Dorothy. His opinion of Lorelei is further tarnished after eavesdropping on her blackmail-adjacent conversation with the head waiter to get said state-heir Henry Spofford III seated at their dinner table.
Malone, figuring it would be easier and less conspicuous to move in on the obviously single Dorothy to gather information, makes a pass at her by pretending to be rich. When Dorothy sends him a look that would melt the flesh of his bones he changes his strategy by suggesting that someone told him that Dorothy was interested in men with stuffed pockets and instead it must have been Lorelei they were talking about. Dorothy concedes, especially after Malone witnesses Lorelei making fast friends with Sir Frances Beekman, affectionately referred to as “Piggy”. He’s an elderly man who owns a diamond mine in South Africa, so clearly he’s a morally great dude who certainly doesn’t deserve to be robbed blind by Lorelei. It isn’t until Lady Beekman, wearing more jewels than a magpie can horde, reveals she owns a diamond tiara that Lorelei officially makes her mark.
Later that night with their sights set on glory, the girls arrive at their very expensive dinner table while attracting absolutely no attention at all in their hideous gowns.
While we all know Marilyn as a sex symbol, Jane Russell also was pigeon-holed into “the girl” roles as well. Discovered by Howard Hughes, Jane was never able to escape how he marketed her. Even well into her 80s, Jane was asked by interviewers about her large breasts and the “special bra” Hughes designed for her to wear while shooting The Outlaw to hide her corseting (that she subsequently threw under her bed and he never noticed). She’s also inevitably asked about her and Hughes “romantic” relationship because much like Ann-Margret with Elvis and Rita Moreno with Marlon Brando, a woman can’t just talk about her career without some dumb dude taking part of the spotlight away from her. Similarly, Jane would always be asked about her and Marilyn’s friendship with questions about how she acted on set, if she committed suicide, if she would have survived if she had a better support system… it’s pretty disgusting, really. While the public is neverendingly fascinated by the circumstances of Marilyn’s death, her persona and likeness was continually marketed after she died, picking her body apart like a vulture and selling each of her belongings to anybody who wanted to own a piece of her (including proximity to her literal corpse which is so violating and gross it makes me physically ill to think about). Both of these women, while beautiful, were also incredibly talented, and it’s disheartening that their careers are remembered either by their scandals, their fate, or their cup size.
Once seated, Dorothy is amused that Malone is conveniently placed at their table, incorrectly assuming he’s there for her and not her friend. The dinner continues to devolve in Malone’s favor after it’s revealed that Dorothy’s blind date, Mr. Henry Spofford the Third, is barely older than a toddler.
“How am I doin’?”
Newly distracted by a diamond tiara and resigned to the fact her thinly-veiled plan to make Dorothy Mrs. Pennsylvania was a bust (If he were 16 or 17 you could marry him in Tennessee), Lorelei leaves Dorothy to get closer to Mr. Malone. Every and all attempts Malone makes to bash Lorelei to his new pseudo-girlfriend are quickly and thoroughly rebuffed because Dorothy is a good friend, but not good enough not to make out with Ernie’s face when the opportunity presents itself.
Dorothy’s romance with Mr. PI is short lived, however, when she catches Malone conspicuously taking pictures of Lorelei and Piggy through the porthole of their state room. Instead of decking the dude on site, Dorothy immediately confides in Lorelei they have been duped. When Lorelei’s first attempt at stealing the pictures by breaking into Malone’s room (and subsequently getting stuck in a porthole trying to escape it) doesn’t prove to be fruitful, they hatch a scheme to steal the film from Malone’s pants by getting him incredibly drunk and drugged up on sleeping pills.
Once developed, Lorelei innocently uses the photos as leverage with Piggy to gift her Lady Beekman’s tiara. After obtaining the goods Lorelei and Dorothy are confronted by Malone, now armed with a tape recorder, who comes clean about his scheme and his intentions to ruin Lorelei. Unfortunately he also reveals to Dorothy that he is, in fact, in love with her. Barf emoji.
Once docked in France, Dorothy and Lorelei use Mr. Esmond’s line of credit to go on a shopping spree. When they arrive at the hotel they encounter Lady Beekman, an insurance agent, and Mr. Malone. Mrs. Beekman is under the impression Lorelei stole her tiara since Mr. Beekman is a coward who lied about the gift and absconded to Africa to avoid the inevitable fight with his wife. Lorelei refuses to return the tiara on principle, which gets her and Dorothy kicked out of the hotel. Adding salt to the wound, Mr. Malone also reveals Mr. Esmond has cut off Lorelei’s financial support leaving her out on the street. He then tells Dorothy what hotel he’s staying at because he’s a horrible person who seems to be on a personal mission to separate her from her loyal best friend.
Instead of rolling over and admitting defeat, the girls quickly get a gig at a local bar. As if on cue, Gus travels by airplane to reunite with Lorelei, only to get the cold shoulder in return. While money is important, trust is more valuable to Lorelei. Mr. Esmond has only revealed himself to be like any other man in Lorelei’s life – showering her in gifts when times are good, but the second things get hard, they sell her out or drop her flat.
This scene is by far the most famous in the movie, if not the most famous of Marilyn’s career. Countless musical artists, movies, and even playmates have referenced “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend” with varying levels of media literacy about what its ultimate message is. Most of the time it is used as shorthand for love of materialism, but in this context it is Lorelei’s way of getting under Mr. Esmond’s skin. If this is all you think I am, this is all I will be to you.
I love Marilyn’s distinctive vibrato (beautifully showcased in “Bye, Bye Baby”), but she was not the only one to sing on this song. Howard Hawks credited Gloria Wood for the more operatic parts in the beginning, and the ghost singer to end all ghost singers Marni Nixon has also claimed she dubbed over some of the lines. I honestly don’t even mind – the majority of what you’re getting is Monroe herself with the others giving her a boost where it went a little beyond her skills.
Also according to Hawks’ biography “The Grey Fox of Hollywood”, the test run of this number Mr. Cole staged was with Marilyn “wearing nothing but diamonds with a little horse’s tail coming out of her ass with a little diamond horsefly on the tail”, which like… I’m sure this is somebody’s fetish, but how the fuck does that fit in this movie? Could you imagine if they would have asked Carol Channing to do that??
ANYWAY, after Lorelei finishes the number, the cops show up to arrest her and take back the tiara. She quickly discovers it has been stolen out of her room leaving her with only one option – getting Mr. Esmond to pony up the funds and get her out of a jam. The end of The Saga of the Tiara is pretty convoluted, but here’s the short of it:
- Dorothy poses as Lorelei and gets arrested by the cops to give Lorelei some time to wrangle 15k dollars
- Malone meets up with Mr. Esmond Senior at the airport as he’s travelled there to fish his son out of a French nightclub
- Malone also bumps into Piggy at the airport, giving the game away that he is not, in fact, in Africa, while also pretty much admitting he’s the one who ratted out Lorelei
- Malone and Mr. Esmond Sr. head to the courthouse to watch Lorelei get stomped on, only to be confronted with Dorothy in a wig
- Malone decides not to expose Dorothy because she admits she loves him and resigns from working with Mr. Esmond Sr. while relinquishing his salary
- When Dorothy/Lorelei tells the judge the tiara has been stolen Malone knows where it is and hauls Piggy to court to play hot potato with the headpiece
- With the tiara “returned” to Piggy, the girls are off the hook.
After Lorelei is informed everything has been resolved she tells Gus to take a hike. Instead of accepting Lorelei’s rejection, Gus confronts his father and goes to bat for their relationship. Lorelei, finally getting some reassurance from Gus, convinces Daddy to let her marry Sonny for his money.
Of course, this film made in the 1950s ends with a double marriage – Dorothy to Ernie and Lorelei to Gus – proving that wedding rings really are a girl’s best friend. Whomp whomp.
Lorelei and Gus seem like a good match. He loves doting on her and she loves feeling appreciated. His timid disposition is partially what attracted Lorelei to him, but his willingness to fight for her and prove he won’t be a complete jellyfish when it comes to important matters really sealed the deal in her eyes. Ernie and Dorothy, however… what is the appeal? I feel like she settled for another useless pretty boy. He lied to her the majority of the time they were together in order to make money off her friend’s personal business. While he began to earn some good faith by resolving the problem he took part in creating, he seems quick to judge and has proven he can’t be trusted. How exhausting will it be for Dorothy to live with a man who never has anything nice to say about the people she loves? I give it a year. Dorothy’s animal magnetism cannot be tamed.
I am absolutely smitten with Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. It’s fluffy without being frivolous, good-natured, entertaining, and fun as hell. I giggle incessantly at every Dorothy comeback and every statement Lorelei makes with sincere severity. Not to give the game away too early, but it is going to be incredibly hard to top this movie on my own Best Movie Musicals of All Time list.