Welcome to Moulin Rouge week!  We’ve got two musicals on this list that center around the origins of the red windmill, so we might as well knock them both out at once.  We’ll start with the 1956 classic, French Cancan, a charming and competent film that is both beautiful and entertaining.

Danglard is a theater owner known for finding and fostering new talents.  His lover, Lola, is a belly dancer at his club, who loves getting attention from multiple men, but wants those men to only desire her.  Not that I can blame her, María Félix is a total dish.

After a show one night, Danglard, Lola, and their rich friends visit The White Queen, a bar in Montmartre, an area that is very quickly being gentrified.  The barkeep advises Danglard if he opened a business in the area, it would earn a fair amount of money, which peaks Danglard’s interest, since his current theater isn’t bringing in the funds like it used to.

While slumming with the locals, Danglard sets his eyes on Nini, a young, vivacious laundress.  Both Nini’s peacocking boyfriend Paulo and Danglard’s lover Lola aren’t pleased with this development, and both of them are very vocal about it.

Fucking queen.

Meanwhile, Alexandre, a literal fucking prince who looks like he belongs on the cover of a romance novel, notices Nini as well and falls instantly in love.  Who fucking knew that getting the attention of several men was so damn easy back then.

Danglard diminishes his attraction to Nini to calm Lola down and they leave the bar together.  The next morning, a jealous suitor of Lola’s and financer of Danglard’s club, Duke Walter, decides to collect payment from Danglard as punishment for cockblocking him.  I swear to Christ, everyone is having sex with everyone in this movie.

Not satisfied with the tiny amount of dough Danglard coughed up, Walter decides to repossess all of Danglard’s belongings.  Lola decides to intervene on Danglard’s behalf and convince Walter to calm his tits by causally flaunting hers.

Meanwhile, Danglard distracts himself from his misfortune by stalking Nini and offering her a job as a dancer in the club he’s impulsively decided to open in Montmartre.  He doesn’t have the money to purchase it, or the investors to back it up, but those are minor details that won’t dissuade him from using it as an excuse to prey on an innocent girl.  Her mother and coworkers are suspicious of Danglard’s intentions, rightfully so, but he throws some money around and they decide they’re fine with prostituting Nini out, if that’s what it comes to.

Nini is tentatively on board with this career change, but decides she can’t be a virgin when she sleeps with Danglard because she doesn’t want to embarrass herself.  In her infinite wisdom, she runs to Paulo’s place of business and fucks him.  He reacts in a totally reasonable and not at all possessive way.

Honesty, this screenshot is a renaissance painting, and if I liked either of these characters, I would print this out and put it on my wall.

Danglard picks Nini up to take her to dance class, and Nini is surprised to discover that “dance class” is not a euphemism for lifting her feet over her head for Danglard, but instead for a literal cancan dancer.  Her instructor determines Nini is flexible enough to whip into shape, and agrees to teach her the now-unpopular dance style.

Danglard returns to his furniture-sparse apartment and is visited by Lola and a newly reformed Walter, who apologizes for how rashly he acted.  He is intrigued by Danglard’s cancan club idea, and immediately decides cough up more money for this new investment.  Lola must have a golden cooter, that’s all I’m saying…

In order to keep the money flowing to Danglard’s club, Lola becomes Walter’s constant companion.  Even though she asserts several times this is of her own volition as she desires to perform on a more prestigious stage, it’s mainly for Danglard’s benefit.

Danglard takes the barkeep’s advice and purchases The White Queen in Montmartre, only to demolish it and build his new theatre, The Moulin Rouge.  He decides to hold a breaking ground ceremony with the dancers he’s amassed, as well as the wealthy financers of the project that Walter has recruited.  Lola arrives with Walter, immediately spots Nini, a girl Danglard told her not to worry about, and loses her absolute shit.

She physically attacks Nini, which incites a riot at the construction site between the dancers and the wealthy investors.  The construction workers drink wine and watch while the orchestra literally plays in the background as the ship goes down.

Danglard tries to intervene and calm Lola down with some bullshit about how they’re not friends, they’re a Moulin Rouge family.  Lola responds by kicking Nini in the shin in an attempt to destroy her dance career.  Paulo witnesses this and is so enraged Danglard let his girlfriend attack Nini that he yeets Danglard into a literal pit.

I was so amused by this I was wheezing.  I very much wish I could link a video, because the rapid fire unfolding of all these events is absolutely bananas.

The fall causes Danglard to break some bones, and he spend the next few months in the hospital recovering.  In his absence, Lola buys Walter’s shares of the club out of spite with plans to demolish the whole project.  When she approaches Danglard with this news, he refuses to reconcile and returns to his hotel with Nini, only to discover he is being kicked out for lack of payment.  Nini reacts to the news of Danglard’s eviction by ordering champagne and having sex with him.

Paulo gets out of jail and immediately hunts down Danglard with the intention of murdering him for boning his girlfriend.  After Danglard basically tells him to go ahead and do it since he has nothing to live for, Paulo feels pity and leaves, cause he’s dumb and easily manipulated.  Danglard celebrates his near-death experience by discovering a singer named Esther and starting an affair with her.

While Danglard is distracted, Prince Alexandre, literal romance novel protagonist, looks up Nini and confesses his undying love.  She immediately rejects him because of her love for “Paulo”, but he tries to convince her she will be unable to live on a baker’s salary and still pursue her love of dancing.  She informs him her dancing dream has been killed by Lola, and Alexandre, in an act of desperation, decides to approach Lola about purchasing The Moulin Rouge so he can reopen the club for Nini.

Just look at this shot, I can’t get over it.  This is my first Jean Renoir film, and I had no idea he was the son of Pierre-Auguste Renoir.  The artistry of this film is apparent everywhere – there are so many scenes exquisitely framed like this.  If I liked either of these characters, I would print this out and put it on my wall.

Lola decides to sell the club to Alexandre, but not before starting shit with Nini by outing her affair with Danglard.

While he thought he could feasibly steal Nini from Paulo, Alexandre is so devastated by the news that Nini and Danglard are together that he literally attempts suicide, really proving Marilyn Monroe’s assertion the French are glad to die for love.

Alexandre miraculously survives this somehow and leverages Nini’s newfound sympathy as a ploy to get her to go out on one date with him.  He takes her barhopping and he showers her with gifts, but she acts bored and disinterested.  Alexandre takes the hint and fucks off forever to his country of tobacco, sheep and roses.

While Alexandre ultimately recovered, Lola feels so guilty about what she had instigated that she makes amends with Nini and Danglard, wishing them well in their relationship.  She also decides to bestow upon them the great honor of committing to performing her act once The Moulin Rouge opens.  Walter witnesses Lola’s change of heart and decides to reinvest his money and push full steam ahead with opening the club.  Paulo finds out that Nini is again going to become a cancan dancer, and warns her if she puts herself out on display, he will have nothing to do with her anymore.  She bids him good riddance, as she is free to do whatever the fuck she wants.

Opening night arrives, and Danglard decides to debut his newest protégé, Esther, which immediately raises Nini’s suspicion to Danglard’s loyalty to her.

Nini’s fears are confirmed when she discovers Danglard and Esther making out backstage, proving that if you gain a man by cheating with him, he’ll eventually leave you for another woman.

Nini throws a fit and refuses to perform, gaining the ire of Lola, her dance teacher, all the dancers of the Moulin Rouge, and the mother that sold her off to that creep.  Danglard responds by spitting facts about his wandering nature that Nini should have absolutely realized before this point.  He tries to impart the importance of the art, and that their mission to open the club and showcase everyone’s talents is bigger than their brief fling.

Look at this renaissance painting – there is so much going on here I could stare at this frame forever.  If I cared about any of these characters other than The Goddess Lola, I would print this out and put it on my wall.

Nini decides to suck it up and perform, leading into the most iconic closing number of a musical movie that used to be available on YouTube 6 months ago, but unfortunately isn’t anymore so I can’t show you :cries:.  She finds purpose and joy in performing the cancan and presumably decides she don’t need no man to be in love.  The end.

Animaniacs has ruined this song for me forever – my brain automatically sings Grade A milk emulsified, malto-dextrin alkalide, silicon deoxylite, lots of sugar, hey alright!

But hold on to your ruffle skirts, because next we’ll explore a grittier and certainly more tragic love story with Baz Luhrmann’s absinthe-fueled fever dream, Moulin Rouge.