Picture it – Baltimore, 1954 (this will not get old): A square, Allison, runs into a drape named Wade. She decides she’s soooooooo tired of being good because she wants Johnny Depp to lick her face.
Wade picks up on Allison’s thirst, and because he has a hard-on for prude chicks, he rescues her from the lamest square-attended talent show and takes her to Turkey Point – a swimming hole deep in drape territory. The squares aren’t happy about Allison ditching them, so they instigate a rumble. The police show up and Wade and his friends are arrested and brought before a judge. Because his friends have parents to take them home they are let go, but since Wade is an orphan, he gets thrown into a juvenile delinquent facility. The drapes band together to break Wade out of prison, Allison’s grandmother gives the judge bedroom eyes, Wade is freed, and Wade and Allison presumably start dating for real.
That’s it. That’s the whole plot.
This is a John Waters joint, so everything in Cry-Baby is campy as fuck. The kids get vaccines with turkey baster sized needles, Wade lights a match in his mouth and then eats it, Allison’s grandmother refers to slang as jazz words and slacks as hysterectomy pants, Pepper is a teenage mom with 2 kids and gives birth to a third in the back of a car currently barreling toward the front of another car – it’s all delicious.
But this, right here, is my favorite scene, by a mile:
When they started listing off the bombing sites in alphabetical order I completely lost it. This bit is spectacular and I will now quote it constantly.
Also, this woman smoking at Turkey Point was legitimately me in college:
There is no difference, because I am a classy bitch.
The aesthetic of this movie is also 10/10. The sets were perfect (with the exception of the confederate flags, cause… oof). Wade’s grandparents revealed his brand new motorcycle from behind a rotating Price is Right door, I mean, come on….
The costumes are also on-point. The transition of Allison being in virginal white when she’s a square, and then dressed as a tacky pirate when she’s with Wade does a good job at showing where her heart is at. Also, anything that Traci Lords wears is incredibly hot.
Traci Lords can get it. It took everything inside of me not to make this a Traci Lords appreciation post.
The music is mostly on-stage performances, with a few great numbers in-between of Johnny Depp lip-syncing his emotions with everybody dancing around him. The songs are decent, but it’s hard for me to judge them because they’re not exactly my cup of tea. I’ve gone on record before stating Doo-wop, the music of the squares, makes my vagina close up so tight. There is nothing less sexy to me on the planet.
In contrast, the music of the drapes, Rockabilly, is more tolerable. My problem really isn’t with the songs themselves, but more with the actors who are pretending to sing them (except for Wanda playing the triangle, because seriously, Traci Lords is perfect).
This is the first of like 4 Johnny Depp movies on this list, and man, this is not a good start. This boy cannot dance, and he does not sing. The few scenes he talks, he’s basically doing a poor man’s Elvis impression. I do not find his bad boy shtick believable in the least.
The same goes for Allison, too. Having her sing on top of a car and flail around in front of a piece of glass just makes me feel uncomfortable. The biggest question I have regarding the casting of these two is… why exactly? If you’re going to have the two leads of your movie lip sync to someone else’s vocals, at least cast people who can give you the acting range you’re looking for. All I get from the two of them is 15-year-old theater kids trying their best vibes.
Overall, the aesthetic is glorious, everyone except Wade and Allison are a delight to watch, the songs are OK, and the plot is boring. Can’t wait to relive it again several movies later with Grease.
Next is the 1927 movie The Jazz Singer. I have no idea how I’m going to stream that.
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