Happy Halloween!  Let’s show these industry music phonies what a REAL artist looks and sounds like by murdering everyone that goes against our vision!

I will admit, I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into watching Phantom of the Paradise, and how intense its Phans are.  Its production is probably one of the most well documented out of all the movies I’ve written about on this list so far… so much so I had to cut off my research phase before the materials ran out because I never would have released this on time otherwise.  Conventions, and interviews, and painstakingly written breakdowns of every scene in the movie, oh my!

I’m going to have to release a redux version of this next year, aren’t I?

I thought this would be a weird 70s rock version of The Phantom of the Opera, which it is, but it is also Faust, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and like 3 decades worth of musical genres.  Phantom of the Paradise is directed by Brian De Palma, who is probably more well-known for his work on Carrie and Scarface.  I’ve never seen a single one of his movies, but that’s OK, everything I need to know about him is succinctly outlined in this review of The Black Dahlia, and while you could prolly watch the entire movie in the time it takes you to watch Willie’s recap of it, why would you want to?  

Apparently Mr. De Palma wrote Phantom of the Paradise after hearing a muzak version of The Beatles in an elevator and was so salty about it he had to make an entire movie about the music industry bastardizing creative genius and like, sure.  This isn’t the first movie on this list to bitch about how exploitative the music and film industries can be, but this is the only one where the dude wears a metal bird helmet and murders people.

Phantom begins like any other Twilight Zone episode, with narration from Rod Serling warning us a monster may live in the opera house, but it might not appear as one in the beginning.  We’re then introduced to The Juicy Fruits, Death Records’ latest retro musical act, put together by their President and first bird-related character name, Swan.  They sing a song about how some dude killed himself to sell more records, which isn’t at all foreshadowing the events that happen later in the film.  After they’re done recording, some Ben Folds motherfucker who was acting as their pianist starts playing exerts from his original cantata Faust.  

Swan likes what he hears and asks his lackey Arnold Philbin to get a few songs from the ironically named Winslow Leach so The Juicy Fruits can record them.  When the doo-wop band is mentioned, Winslow loses his absolute shit and insists “Faust” can only be sung by him and him alone.  Arnold is like, “Cool, dude, that’s chill, just give me a few of the songs from your weirdly long 300 page sonata and Swan will think about producing your new album.”  Winslow gives up the goods and Swan *surprisingly* never contacts him again.

About a month later, Winslow tries to approach Swan at Death Records, and immediately I’m reminded of greasy pop-punk kids wearing Atticus t-shirts roaming the halls of my high school.  In Phantom, this logo was awkwardly plastered over building signs, podiums, television sets, tape recorders, cameras, and whole mess of other things in post-production, and it uhhh, stood out.  

I thought perhaps this was to cut costs on props, but turns out these signs originally read “Swan Song Records”, which is morbidly poetic.  Unfortunately for everyone involved, Led Zeppelin formed Swan Song Records in the time between the film finished shooting and the release of the film.  To avoid a lawsuit, 20th Century Fox forced the team to edit out any references to Swan Song, and it is super noticeable and several years later people are still screaming about releasing the Swan Song cut.

Winslow gets booted from the building, and tracks Swan down at his home compound, Swanage.  TURNS OUT, Swan is holding auditions for his latest rock opera, Faust!  Winslow meets Phoenix while she’s rehearsing his song while waiting and instantly falls in love.  He reveals he wrote the song, and she fawns over him in an attempt to get cast in the background chorus.  He takes her kindness as a sign of affection, and spends the rest of the movie obsessed with her.  

After Philbin tries to casting-couch Phoenix and she runs off, Winslow disguises himself as a hot chick in order to gain access to Swan.  He politely inquires what the fuck is up with Swan yanking Faust out from under him, and the confrontation goes about as well as expected.  Winslow gets physically removed, framed for possession of heroin, and lugged off to do time in the aptly named Sing Sing.

Swan, played by Paul Williams, is also the composer of this film.  He wrote songs for the Muppet-based movies that appear on this list, including “The Rainbow Connection”, “Movin’ Right Along”, and “When Love is Gone”, but also found success writing for pop acts like Daft Punk, David Bowie and The Carpenters.  While Phantom of the Paradise pretty much bombed upon release, the soundtrack went gold in Canada because 20k copies of it were sold in my motherland of Winnipeg, Manitoba.  For context, that’s 40% of its total record sales.  The movie had a 18-week run in the city, and had a brief resurgence later that summer when Paul Williams played a concert there.  There have been a few retrospectives conducted to understand why exactly Winnipeg, of all places, clung to this story, including an entire feature-length documentary that I couldn’t watch because you can’t stream it anywhere.  There’s been several Phantompaloozas hosted there for fuck’s sake.  But best I can tell, it really caught on with the kids in Winnipeg because it was marketed toward children on television.  The author of this article regaled a time where him and his other school-aged buddies would reenact scenes from it at recess, which is equal measures delightful as it is disturbing.

Winslow is having a terrible time in prison, as the Swan Foundation pulled all his teeth as part of what they called “Dental Health Research”.  6 months later, while Winslow is assembling board games as part of the government’s legalized slavery program, he overhears his worse nightmare – The Juicy Fruits are going to be opening Swan’s new venue, The Paradise, with Faust!  Winslow is so incensed by this, he hulks out of prison and attempts to destroy the recordings at Death Records.  He instead gets his head caught in a record press, becoming horribly disfigured with a copy of his bastardized work.

When Winslow reappears, he is sporting a lovely metal beak and an appetite for revenge!  During rehearsals for the new 60s surf-rock branded Juicy Fruits, the Phantom starts the kill counter by blowing up a car on stage.

The fact there are not one, but two uncut shots on the screen at one time is bananas.

Swan seems generally unaffected by this, and tries to appease Winslow by offering him a job.  Swan invites Winslow to attend auditions so his vision for Faust can be realized properly.  Phoenix is there, and after agreeing to sell her voice to Swan, Winslow also agrees to rewrite the cantata with Phoenix’s performance in mind.  Winslow then signs a contract in blood without a lawyer present after Swan fucked him over once before, because it seems Winslow is incapable of learning anything from the story of Faust, even when he’s currently living the plot.  

Swan begins to conduct his own secret auditions to replace Phoenix as a lead, seated at a desk that Ron Swanson would be disgusted by.

Swan settles on a showy glam-rock star named Meatloaf Beef, which presumably is the opposite of what Winslow wants.  Beef is from Transylvania, so of course they introduce him by having him emerge from a coffin growling.  On the day of the show’s opening, Swan drugs Winslow, grabs his latest version of the Cantata, and Cask of Amontillado’s him into his recording studio.

Winslow hulks himself out of that, as well, and decides to threaten Beef’s life in the shower, psycho-style.

For a second, Beef forgot about Winslow’s whole thinly-veiled death threat thing, and he wondered how clean the plunger was.

Beef tries to leave the production, but is convinced to stay when Arnold offers him drugs.  This was the wrong call, because moments later, after the newly 70s-updated Juicy Fruits build a Franken-Beef on stage, Winslow makes good on his threat and electrocutes him.

Then, out of the flames of Beef’s corpse, Phoenix arises to sing a Karen Carpenter-esque ballad to calm the crowd down.

Winslow is comforted by Phoenix’s performance, but so is Swan.  He goes into her dressing room and propositions her for sex, and she’s so excited by her future career as a recording artist she goes back to Swanage and fucks him.  Winslow watches this uncomfortably long love scene through a skylight and decides to stab himself out of grief.  The wound doesn’t kill him, however, as Swan informs Winslow that because he signed a contract, he can’t die until Swan does.  And also, just for funsies, Swan is immortal because he is under a mysterious contract as well.

Winslow discovers a tape in Swan’s recording studio that reveals the secret of his success.  Swan, during a suicide attempt, makes a deal with the devil to stay young forever.  As long as the recording of the deal stays intact, Swan will never age, much like The Picture of Dorian Gray.  It’s also revealed that all Swan learned from the Beef debacle is that crowds love murder, so he arranges to marry Phoenix on television at the end of Faust, and have her assassinated on stage shortly afterward to boost the ratings for sweeps week.  Winslow decides he needs to stop this immediately and destroys the videotape, damning himself and Swan to die.

While the records room burns, the Paradise is hoppin’ in anticipation for Swan and Phoenix’s wedding.  Winslow shoots the priest, which causes a mild frenzy, but not enough to keep people from partying.  He then stabs and kills Swan, which reopens his own stab wound, and The Phantom dies splayed out on the carpet with his one milky eyeball hanging out.  Phoenix can only look on in horror with the knowledge she’ll need years and years of therapy to process the last 2 minutes of her life.

I saw this movie compared with Rocky Horror Picture Show several times while diving into this, and there are some parallels.  Both are rock horror musicals, both have a flashy frankenstein’s monster, and they were released within a year of each other.  Other than those surface level items, I don’t think it’s a fair comparison.  Watching Phantom of the Paradise is a weirdly unique experience, as the film acknowledges its campy nature, but still works hard to drive home the overlying message that creative industries care nothing for artistic endeavors and only want to make money.

I’m reminded of a statement former Disney CEO Michael Eisner used in a memo once, which yeah.. I know, hear me out.  He was the head of the company during the Disney Renaissance, and for all the questionable decisions he did make, those movies saved the company.  In an internal memo sent out during his time at Paramount, he riffed on a Don Simpson quote, “We have no obligation to make art. We have no obligation to make history. We have no obligation to make a statement. But to make money, it is often important to make history, to make art, or to make some significant statement… In order to make money, we must always make entertaining movies, and if we make entertaining movies, at times we will reliably make history, art, a statement, or all three. We may even win awards… We cannot expect numerous hits, but if every film has an original and imaginative concept, then we can be confident that something will break through.”

Now, this quote was taken from Disney War, and I couldn’t get a copy of the book to verify it, but I see it floating around in Disney forums constantly to justify why Eisner was the worst CEO ever because he said money was the primary goal of movie making.  But this statement is an insightful peek behind the curtain.  Disney is a business.  20th Century Fox is a business, and if they made a ton of movies that had artistic merit, but didn’t make them money, they’d have to stop making movies.  The goal of businesses is to make money so you can stay in business.

All this to say, yes, being exploited by a huge machine who has more power and money than God is absolutely wrong.  Swan isn’t justified in stealing Winslow’s work and murdering people to make The Paradise more successful.  But hearing a Muzak rendition of “A Day in the Life” isn’t quite the horror Brian De Palma made it out to be.  The Beatles have always been making that bag, so tone it down a bit.

The post #58 Phantom of the Paradise (1974) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

The Muppet Christmas Carol is a true to form Muppets movie, starting with a panoramic landscape view, following-up with 4th wall breaking gags, physical comedy, jaunty songs, and sincere emotional moments.  The Great Gonzo plays Charles Dickens, an omniscient narrator of the redemption story of Ebenezer Scrooge.  He and his sidekick Rizzo provide the needed levity throughout the entire movie, while we watch Michael Caine make every version of a sad and distraught face he can muster in an hour and 30 minutes.

The opening number, “Scrooge”, is reminiscent of “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast – the entire town is singing about the fact Scrooge is the literal worst, and they wouldn’t waste spit on his grave.  The cast is a good mix of Muppets and humans, but my favorite part of this song are the singing vegetables that also don’t like him.  I was having intense Making Fiends flashbacks, and I couldn’t stop giggling.

“Eat vegetables for every meal, or your lips will start to peel, and your eyeballs will fall out, and your feet will smell like trout.”

Once Scrooge makes it to work, he lashes out at his employees.  He first complains that millennials are buying avocado toast instead of paying their mortgage, and if they keep it up, he plans on evicting tenants left and right like he were an American landlord in the middle of a pandemic.  Kermit, our Bob Cratchit of the film, advocates for workers rights, and while he succeeds in convincing Scrooge to close the next day for Christmas, he fails at preventing his colleagues from dressing up like… whatever this is and dancing around like it’s August and they’ve eaten their weight in watermelon fruit bars.

Deciding he’s had enough of the general public and they’re cheery, caring ways, Scrooge heads home to brood in peace and work on his night cheese.  The rest of the Muppets, free of his tyranny, decide to celebrate by singing something that suspiciously sounds like the Christmas Vacation song.

Once Scrooge returns home, the real crux of the story begins.  For a children’s’ movie, I was impressed at the detail given to set the ambiance for each ghost.  There is a true sense of suspense before his former business partners arrive, starting with the excessive ringing of the bells and the extinguishing of the fire.  The camera sweeps around the room, and seemingly nothing is amiss, but then you notice the fog rising from the stairwell.  The shaky camera focuses on Scrooge’s face, sweating, in a panic, as the room around him is distorted.  For a second you think it may be all in his head, until Statler and Waldorf, playing the ghosts of Jacob and Robert Marley, appear, and start ripping into Scrooge in true heckler fashion. 

This is where I confess that I dislike Charles Dickens.  I was forced to read Great Expectations, Oliver Twist, and A Tale of Two Cities in high school, as if there were a shortage of other white male authors we could read.  His writing style is extremely tedious to me – I think I finally lost it when there were 3 pages in Great Expectations describing how someone butters their bread, and how particularly they eat it.  Unfortunately, every other story written by him is guilty by association, including this Christmas classic that has been adapted 7000 times.

All this to say, I appreciated the Dickens burn when Scrooge utters, “There’s more of gravy than of grave about you.”

The Marley brothers warn Scrooge if he doesn’t alter his behavior, he’ll end up tortured and chained like the two of them and their several singing lock boxes.  They warn him 3 ghosts will visit: one of Christmas past, one of Christmas present, and one of Christmas yet to come.  The spirit of Christmas past reveals Scrooge’s value of money hindered his relationships, so his sweet girlfriend leaves him alone to stew like an incel for the next like 30 years.  Conversely, Gonzo continues to exhibit a healthy chicken-based sexuality.  

The ghost of Christmas present, while very large and jovial, counteracts any good-time feelings by allowing Fred to get in a few sweet burns against his uncle, and chases that with the knowledge Cratchie’s tiny son will die if he doesn’t get any money to treat his unknown, crutch-based disability.

The ghost of Christmas yet to come, who is a literal ring wraith, just points at shit to show Scrooge nobody is going to care when he dies.  And for someone who, up until this point in the movie, didn’t seem to care about what others thought about him, is really bothered by this for some reason.

After the ghosts complete their haunting, Scrooge wakes up in his own bed, and is so motivated by his new lease on life that he visits all the shops Kermit told him would certainly be closed on Christmas.  He buys everyone presents and gathers enough food to feed a feast for kings.  He even makes that tiny caroling bunny lug around a massive turkey all around town, as a treat.  As Scrooge’s new found-family sits around the table to celebrate the holiest of Christian holidays, the cast reprises “When Love is Found”.  Awwwww.

Honestly, this is the only adaptation of this story I can stomach, and dare I say, enjoy?  The Muppets are adorable, the songs are fairly good, the story is well paced, and Gonzo and Rizzo are the most adorable comedic relief throughout the entire movie.  I almost burst into pieces after Rizzo offered jelly beans to an exasperated Gonzo.  They’re so supportive of each other :cries:

Muppet Treasure Island is next, which is my brother-in-law’s favorite Muppet movie, so if this turns out to be garbage I’m holding him personally responsible.

The post #83 The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

For watching my fair share of The Muppet Show as a kid, I’ve never had the privilege of watching The Muppet Movie.  Let me tell you straight off – it is a gem.  The first scene shows the Muppets attending a screening of the movie you’re about to watch.  Statler and Waldorf call the movie studio a dump, Professor Honeydew comes at Fozzie with a great burn (Well, then you’ll have to get another apartment, won’t you?), Sam Eagle displays his stoic patriotism (Does this film have socially redeeming value?), Gozno cuddles with a chicken – it’s all there.  When the movie finally starts, we are treated to Kermit singing the iconic “Rainbow Connection”.

The first 5 minutes of this movie are a great indication of what the rest of it holds in store.  It balances slapstick humor, puns, social commentary, 4th wall breaking gags, and emotional beats that catch the viewer off-guard in their earnestness.  I lost my shit laughing one moment, only to tear up in the next.

The story is an approximate retelling of how The Muppets were formed.  After serendipitously running into an agent in his swamp home, Kermit decides to travel to Hollywood and audition for a casting call looking for a talented frog.  On the way, he runs into Fozzie, who Kermit tries to save from some unruly patrons of the El Sleezo Cafe by distracting them with a snazzy dance.  Fozzie pulls the ‘ol “drinks on the house” gag, which sends the mob up to the roof so Kermit and him can sneak out.  They decide to drive Fozzie’s Uncle’s Studebaker (his natural habitat) on a cross country road trip adventure so they can pursue their dreams of making millions of people happy.

We are then treated to the most jaunty song – I was literally bopping to it the minute it started.  Kermit and Fozzie perform their best comedy duo gags, and it is intensely joyful.

But, of course, Kermit and Fozzie’s trip is immediately derailed by the pursuit of Doc Hopper, who wants Kermit to be the mascot for his frog leg restaurant chain.  This is disturbing for a wide variety of reasons, of which Kermit vocalizes in the best line of the movie…

Kermit reiterates to Doc that his request is heinous, but Doc will not take no for an answer.  This leads Fozzie and Kermit to employ unconventional means to try and evade him, including having Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem paint the Studebaker to blend in exactly with a billboard advertising a soda.

They soon after run into, literally, “The Prince of Plumbers” Gonzo and his chicken Camilla, and the 4 of them head to the state fair.  With all those show chickens walking around, Gonzo gets a bit of a wandering eye, which triggers Camilla’s jealousy.  They observe a beauty pageant awards show where Miss Piggy is crowned (of course), and Kermit falls in love with her at first sight.

In order to appease Camilla after his previous digressions, Gonzo buys every balloon in the joint, which sets him aloft, sailing about 7 knots away from the fair.  The gang follows after him in a panic, but Gonzo can only appreciate the view from on high.

After a car chase scene between the newly formed gang and a shotgun-wielding Doc Hopper, Gonzo comes crashing down after a billboard pie hits the pursuing vehicle.  Miss Piggy (who doesn’t know what’s going on) convinces the car to stop somewhere for the night, and she puts the big moves on Kermit, exhibiting all the traits of her extra self.

Right when things are starting to get hot and heavy, Miss Piggy is called by her agent, abandoning Kermit at the table.  He commiserates with Rowlf, only to find out that Doc has kidnapped Miss Piggy and is holding her ransom. 

Much like The Muppet Show itself, this film is packed full of celebrity cameos, including (but not limited to) Lillian from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Reuben from Oceans 11, Bob Hope, Richard Pryor, and Steve Martin.  The most entertaining bit may be Mel Brooks’ portrayal of a mad German doctor who is only interested in lobotomizing Kermit for funsies.

After Kermit’s failed rescue attempt, Miss Piggy decides she’s had enough of this damsel in distress nonsense, and kicks the everliving shit out of her captors, with the craziest eyes I’ve seen on a puppet since Meet the Feebles.

After a brief patriotic interlude (presumably to appease Sam), a flat tire forces the gang to pull over and sleep by the side of the road around a campfire.  Without help, Kermit is disheartened that he and his friends will not be able to make the audition in time.  Gonzo, who is a little like a turkey, sings a song that perfectly articulates everyone’s feelings about finding other people who share the same dream, and their quest to live it.

“There’s not a word yet for old friends who’ve just met.
Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.
I’m going to go back there someday.”

The songs do a great job at illustrating the characters’ personality, and they change genres depending on who is singing it.  Gonzo is weird, but he’s a mushball at heart, which is reflected in the quiet sincerity of the song.

After Kermit’s very important introspective conversation, The Electric Mayhem show up, informing Kermit they were inspired by his journey, too, and they can give everyone a lift to Hollywood.  But not before heading into a ghost town to have one final showdown with Doc Hopper, who has now amassed a gang to take Kermit and his friends out.  Animal eats their new friend Honeydew’s conveniently presented growing potion and scares away Doc Hopper and his group of bandits. 

The Muppets successfully make their Hollywood audition, and the studio head takes one look at Kermit and decides to offer him the “standard rich and famous contract”.  Kermit and his friends immediately start shooting a movie, reveling in the fact they found each other, and now they are doing what they love.

The amount of love put into this movie shows in every aspect.  The story itself is referential to the feelings of Jim Henson and his team, and the end scene where all their puppet creations are singing a revised version of “Rainbow Connection” hit me straight in the feels.  The craft aspects of the movie, too, are just impressive, and there were several scenes I was amazed by:

• Kermit playing a banjo in the swamp
• The wide shot of Kermit riding a bicycle, and the adorable faces he makes
• Kermit and Fozzie dancing at the cafe (2-3 KICK!)
• When The Electric Mayhem play in the church, every shingle, floorboard, window, and plank of wood holding it together moves with the beat of the song.
• Gonzo sailing across the sky like the original Carl Frederickson
• The entire set recreation of the plot of the movie, only for it to be destroyed by a crazy light technician a minute later
• The costumes, of course, are amazing.  Miss Piggy’s constant wardrobe changes, especially in the romance montage, were stellar.  I appreciated they made Doc Hopper look like a discount Colonel Sanders.  Also, I want Gonzo’s hat with the tiny little faucet on it.

I really can’t chat up this movie enough.  This is my peak aesthetic, and I’m glad this project forced me to watch it.  This whole thing might be worth it for the mere fact this movie is now in my rotation.  

I have a feeling it can only go down from here.

The post #47 The Muppet Movie (1979) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.