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#12 Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)

coll2mitts — Mon, 25 Dec 2023 05:05:51 +0000

Merry Christmas! I had to get a little creative since I’d blown through the explicitly Christmas movies on this list back in 2021.

A few years ago Leena Norms released a Non-Christmas Christmas movies video which highlight movies that are not set during Christmastime, but give you that same cozy feeling when you watch them. I came up with my own list and lo and behold amongst the three Hugh Grant movies sits one excellent musical:

Where the Heart Is
About a Boy
Sense and Sensibility
Pride and Prejudice
Music and Lyrics
Under the Tuscan Sun
Moonstruck
Waitress
Pitch Perfect
Gentleman Prefer Blondes

I’m a child of the 90s; I don’t have to defend why Mr. Grant’s awkward blinking is comforting to me.

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes is a yearly Non-Holiday Christmas staple in my household. It’s fashionable, uncomplicated, catchy, and hilarious. I first sought out this movie somewhere around my 50th time of watching Moulin Rouge and I was overwhelmed with the instant love I felt for Jane Russell and Marilyn Monroe. They’re both incredibly funny, with Jane’s quick wit and biting comebacks and Marilyn’s smooth talking manipulation. And oh my god, not to beat a dead horse, but I couldn’t help but notice they’re absolutely gorgeous. If it weren’t for Ernie Malone being the dumbest person for Dorothy Shaw to fall for, this film would be perfect. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Fair warning that every single song is a certified banger. It’s no wonder – Jule Styne, who wrote the music for the original musical, also worked on Funny Girl. Hoagy Carmichael and Harold Adamson, the two who wrote the movie-originals, “Ain’t There Anyone Here for Love” and “When Love Goes Wrong (Nothin’ Goes Right)” similarly had prolific writing careers. You will be humming these tunes in your head for days, sorry not sorry.

Meet Dorothy Shaw (Jane Russell) and Lorelei Lee (Marilyn Monroe), two stage performers the studio executives didn’t dare try to pass off as sisters. Each are guided by one thing – Lorelei is trying to marry her way into security and Dorothy just wants to get laid a lot. Big mood.

Their mid-tier notoriety has allowed Lorelei to attract a wealthy beau, the precious Gus Esmond Jr. (Tommy Noonan). His father, who bankrolls his behavior, doesn’t approve of the match, which is why Lorelei has concocted a plan – They will set sail on a boat to Paris and get married in Europe, far away from his father’s influence. If Gus gets cold feet about the marriage and bails last minute, Lorelei and Dorothy will disembark regardless, only to return to the states when Gus comes to his senses and makes a commitment that matches the massive piece of ice on her finger.

As Lorelei predicted, her and Dorothy are soon escorted on the boat to Europe, France for their non-romantic voyage. Gus has funded this entire endeavor of course and is counting on Dorothy to wrangle Lorelei and prevent her from getting in trouble. Dorothy takes her responsibilities to Lorelei incredibly seriously, but immediately befriends the entire USA Olympic team to entertain herself.

It takes everything within Gus to leave Lorelei on that boat, bribing her with gifts while pleading for her to be a good sport. She responds by placating his anxieties, “Daddy! Sometimes I think there’s only one of you in the whole wide world!” This only proves that Marilyn was the only person who is allowed to say “Daddy” without us all collectively cringing.

I would absolutely lose my mind if Marilyn looked at me like that. The syrup in her voice kills me.

Marilyn had an acting coach, Natascha Lytess, that annoyed the director Howard Hawks because Marilyn constantly deferred to Lytess instead of him. It got to the point where he booted Lytess from set because clearly Marilyn didn’t need the coach since she had perfectly crafted her image and executes on it flawlessly. Lytess eventually returned after a one-week hiatus after Hawks determined it wasn’t worth the fight and humored Marilyn by letting her do extra takes without telling her there wasn’t film in the camera.

The second the boat leaves port, Lorelei gets right to work trying to find a “suitable escort” for her friend by casing the passenger list for those who are most likely loaded. Dorothy scoffs noting, “I like a man who can run faster than I can,” before Lorelei scolds her for not considering she may be destitute in the future if she settles for a man who is pretty and nothing else. Dorothy takes this advice to heart by wandering over to the gym to ogle the athletes in their swimsuits.

Is Dorothy really here for love? Because that boner in her pants really suggests she’s only here for a good time.

It actually was an accident that Jane was pushed into the pool by a low-flying dancer, but they left the mistake in the movie because it played so well. Neither Jane nor Marilyn had danced on film before Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Jack Cole (assisted by Gwen Verdon) was hired as the choreographer, and Jane reveals that while Mr. Cole was slightly terrifying to work for if you were a professional dancer (I can’t imagine the conversation that happened with that man after dunking Jane), Jack had enough patience to teach Jane and Marilyn how to dance. Furthermore, Jack took the lead in directing the musical numbers since Hawks realized his lack of experience in musical theater would hinder the film. This is most likely why they’re so flippin’ good, because if we’ve learned anything from Gene Kelly, choreographers tend to frame musical numbers in a way that features the talents of the performers.

While everything seems fine and dandy on the SS FindA~~Rich~~Man, there is a fella on board hell-bent on exposing Lorelei for the gold-digging hussy that she is. Ernie Malone (Elliott Reid) is a private investigator hired by Mr. Esmond’s father and is tasked with providing hard evidence that Lorelei is fucking around on Gus. Since Dorothy and Lorelei are easily the most attractive people on board Malone finds them immediately and even overhears Lorelei making grand plans of ensnaring the heir of a whole state – a large one, like Pennsylvania or something – but misunderstanding this task is for the benefit of Dorothy. His opinion of Lorelei is further tarnished after eavesdropping on her blackmail-adjacent conversation with the head waiter to get said state-heir Henry Spofford III seated at their dinner table.

Malone, figuring it would be easier and less conspicuous to move in on the obviously single Dorothy to gather information, makes a pass at her by pretending to be rich. When Dorothy sends him a look that would melt the flesh of his bones he changes his strategy by suggesting that someone told him that Dorothy was interested in men with stuffed pockets and instead it must have been Lorelei they were talking about. Dorothy concedes, especially after Malone witnesses Lorelei making fast friends with Sir Frances Beekman, affectionately referred to as “Piggy”. He’s an elderly man who owns a diamond mine in South Africa, so clearly he’s a morally great dude who certainly doesn’t deserve to be robbed blind by Lorelei. It isn’t until Lady Beekman, wearing more jewels than a magpie can horde, reveals she owns a diamond tiara that Lorelei officially makes her mark.

Later that night with their sights set on glory, the girls arrive at their very expensive dinner table while attracting absolutely no attention at all in their hideous gowns.

While we all know Marilyn as a sex symbol, Jane Russell also was pigeon-holed into “the girl” roles as well. Discovered by Howard Hughes, Jane was never able to escape how he marketed her. Even well into her 80s, Jane was asked by interviewers about her large breasts and the “special bra” Hughes designed for her to wear while shooting The Outlaw to hide her corseting (that she subsequently threw under her bed and he never noticed). She’s also inevitably asked about her and Hughes “romantic” relationship because much like Ann-Margret with Elvis and Rita Moreno with Marlon Brando, a woman can’t just talk about her career without some dumb dude taking part of the spotlight away from her. Similarly, Jane would always be asked about her and Marilyn’s friendship with questions about how she acted on set, if she committed suicide, if she would have survived if she had a better support system… it’s pretty disgusting, really. While the public is neverendingly fascinated by the circumstances of Marilyn’s death, her persona and likeness was continually marketed after she died, picking her body apart like a vulture and selling each of her belongings to anybody who wanted to own a piece of her (including proximity to her literal corpse which is so violating and gross it makes me physically ill to think about). Both of these women, while beautiful, were also incredibly talented, and it’s disheartening that their careers are remembered either by their scandals, their fate, or their cup size.

Once seated, Dorothy is amused that Malone is conveniently placed at their table, incorrectly assuming he’s there for her and not her friend. The dinner continues to devolve in Malone’s favor after it’s revealed that Dorothy’s blind date, Mr. Henry Spofford the Third, is barely older than a toddler.

“How am I doin’?”

Newly distracted by a diamond tiara and resigned to the fact her thinly-veiled plan to make Dorothy Mrs. Pennsylvania was a bust (If he were 16 or 17 you could marry him in Tennessee), Lorelei leaves Dorothy to get closer to Mr. Malone. Every and all attempts Malone makes to bash Lorelei to his new pseudo-girlfriend are quickly and thoroughly rebuffed because Dorothy is a good friend, but not good enough not to make out with Ernie’s face when the opportunity presents itself.

Dorothy’s romance with Mr. PI is short lived, however, when she catches Malone conspicuously taking pictures of Lorelei and Piggy through the porthole of their state room. Instead of decking the dude on site, Dorothy immediately confides in Lorelei they have been duped. When Lorelei’s first attempt at stealing the pictures by breaking into Malone’s room (and subsequently getting stuck in a porthole trying to escape it) doesn’t prove to be fruitful, they hatch a scheme to steal the film from Malone’s pants by getting him incredibly drunk and drugged up on sleeping pills.

Once developed, Lorelei innocently uses the photos as leverage with Piggy to gift her Lady Beekman’s tiara. After obtaining the goods Lorelei and Dorothy are confronted by Malone, now armed with a tape recorder, who comes clean about his scheme and his intentions to ruin Lorelei. Unfortunately he also reveals to Dorothy that he is, in fact, in love with her. Barf emoji.

Once docked in France, Dorothy and Lorelei use Mr. Esmond’s line of credit to go on a shopping spree. When they arrive at the hotel they encounter Lady Beekman, an insurance agent, and Mr. Malone. Mrs. Beekman is under the impression Lorelei stole her tiara since Mr. Beekman is a coward who lied about the gift and absconded to Africa to avoid the inevitable fight with his wife. Lorelei refuses to return the tiara on principle, which gets her and Dorothy kicked out of the hotel. Adding salt to the wound, Mr. Malone also reveals Mr. Esmond has cut off Lorelei’s financial support leaving her out on the street. He then tells Dorothy what hotel he’s staying at because he’s a horrible person who seems to be on a personal mission to separate her from her loyal best friend.

Instead of rolling over and admitting defeat, the girls quickly get a gig at a local bar. As if on cue, Gus travels by airplane to reunite with Lorelei, only to get the cold shoulder in return. While money is important, trust is more valuable to Lorelei. Mr. Esmond has only revealed himself to be like any other man in Lorelei’s life – showering her in gifts when times are good, but the second things get hard, they sell her out or drop her flat.

This scene is by far the most famous in the movie, if not the most famous of Marilyn’s career. Countless musical artists, movies, and even playmates have referenced “Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend” with varying levels of media literacy about what its ultimate message is. Most of the time it is used as shorthand for love of materialism, but in this context it is Lorelei’s way of getting under Mr. Esmond’s skin. If this is all you think I am, this is all I will be to you.

I love Marilyn’s distinctive vibrato (beautifully showcased in “Bye, Bye Baby”), but she was not the only one to sing on this song. Howard Hawks credited Gloria Wood for the more operatic parts in the beginning, and the ghost singer to end all ghost singers Marni Nixon has also claimed she dubbed over some of the lines. I honestly don’t even mind – the majority of what you’re getting is Monroe herself with the others giving her a boost where it went a little beyond her skills.

Also according to Hawks’ biography “The Grey Fox of Hollywood”, the test run of this number Mr. Cole staged was with Marilyn “wearing nothing but diamonds with a little horse’s tail coming out of her ass with a little diamond horsefly on the tail”, which like… I’m sure this is somebody’s fetish, but how the fuck does that fit in this movie? Could you imagine if they would have asked Carol Channing to do that??

ANYWAY, after Lorelei finishes the number, the cops show up to arrest her and take back the tiara. She quickly discovers it has been stolen out of her room leaving her with only one option – getting Mr. Esmond to pony up the funds and get her out of a jam. The end of The Saga of the Tiara is pretty convoluted, but here’s the short of it:

Dorothy poses as Lorelei and gets arrested by the cops to give Lorelei some time to wrangle 15k dollars
Malone meets up with Mr. Esmond Senior at the airport as he’s travelled there to fish his son out of a French nightclub
Malone also bumps into Piggy at the airport, giving the game away that he is not, in fact, in Africa, while also pretty much admitting he’s the one who ratted out Lorelei
Malone and Mr. Esmond Sr. head to the courthouse to watch Lorelei get stomped on, only to be confronted with Dorothy in a wig

Malone decides not to expose Dorothy because she admits she loves him and resigns from working with Mr. Esmond Sr. while relinquishing his salary
When Dorothy/Lorelei tells the judge the tiara has been stolen Malone knows where it is and hauls Piggy to court to play hot potato with the headpiece
With the tiara “returned” to Piggy, the girls are off the hook.

After Lorelei is informed everything has been resolved she tells Gus to take a hike. Instead of accepting Lorelei’s rejection, Gus confronts his father and goes to bat for their relationship. Lorelei, finally getting some reassurance from Gus, convinces Daddy to let her marry Sonny for his money.

Of course, this film made in the 1950s ends with a double marriage – Dorothy to Ernie and Lorelei to Gus – proving that wedding rings really are a girl’s best friend. Whomp whomp.

Lorelei and Gus seem like a good match. He loves doting on her and she loves feeling appreciated. His timid disposition is partially what attracted Lorelei to him, but his willingness to fight for her and prove he won’t be a complete jellyfish when it comes to important matters really sealed the deal in her eyes. Ernie and Dorothy, however… what is the appeal? I feel like she settled for another useless pretty boy. He lied to her the majority of the time they were together in order to make money off her friend’s personal business. While he began to earn some good faith by resolving the problem he took part in creating, he seems quick to judge and has proven he can’t be trusted. How exhausting will it be for Dorothy to live with a man who never has anything nice to say about the people she loves? I give it a year. Dorothy’s animal magnetism cannot be tamed.

I am absolutely smitten with Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. It’s fluffy without being frivolous, good-natured, entertaining, and fun as hell. I giggle incessantly at every Dorothy comeback and every statement Lorelei makes with sincere severity. Not to give the game away too early, but it is going to be incredibly hard to top this movie on my own Best Movie Musicals of All Time list.

The post #12 Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

#43 The Sound of Music (1965)

coll2mitts — Sat, 06 Feb 2021 23:36:00 +0000

This has been living in my drafts page for months waiting for me to have progressed further down this list, but with the passing of Christopher Plummer, I felt like it was an appropriate time to publish and gush about a movie that is a huge part of his legacy.

When I was a young, awkward child, I adored Dame Julie Andrews. I cited her as my hero many, many times, and forced my poor classmates to listen to me talk about her in presentations. She is an icon that needs to be preserved at all costs.

Surprisingly, The Sound of Music’s favor, for whatever reason, had diminished in my brain as I’ve gotten older (probably because it’s very children-focused). I’m going to admit, I was not super stoked to watch this movie. That attitude was completely unfair, because honestly, this is the best you can get for family entertainment. It may be annoyingly “saccharine sweet”, but the quality of the film is so high, I wouldn’t mind one bit if my kids wanted to pop it in and enjoy. The great majority of the songs are catchy as hell (I mean, it’s Rogers and Hammerstein, of course…), the actors are all fantastic, and the film is ridiculously pretty. Just fucking gorgeous.

Going to admit, when they zoomed in and Dame Julie started singing, I shocked myself by starting to cry. Every time I hear her speak or sing I’m just a waterfall, I don’t know what it is about her that makes me like this?! Jesus, it’s almost as if I have a heart.

Sidenote: This is a wide, panning shot that was filmed from a helicopter and it doesn’t make me want to spew. So, it’s possible, A Hard Day’s Night.

For those not acquainted with The Sound of Music (how did you manage that? I’m so curious), Maria is a nun-in-training who causes general chaos around the nunnery for things like… being late to mass or singing in the hallways. The other nuns are distracted by this behavior, so the Reverend Mother decides to send Maria on a Catholic Rumspringa to be a governess for a local sea captain’s seven motherless children, as a governess is the only thing that can fix this broken family. The way Maria sings “I Have Confidence”, you’d think she’s living an episode of Scared Straight.

The Captain himself is fairly terrifying, but he has whistle-trained his children pretty well. He warns Maria they’ve gone through 11 governesses before her, but, “There’s nothing wrong with the children, only the governesses.” This is an attitude a lot of parents have that probably shouldn’t. The children immediately try to scare Maria off, but she uses her Catholic guilt superpowers to make them all cry at dinner, so they decide to like her after that.

Meanwhile, the only child they bother to bake a personality into, Liesl, is making doe eyes at a Nazi telegram boy that constantly affirms she is a child before kissing her and running away. Maria keeps this on the DL, which wins Liesl’s favor as well.

The next morning, the Captain leaves to fetch the children’s future surrogate mother figure, the Baroness, who he’s been known to spend months away from the house banging while the children were being raised by a series of terrorized nannies. Maria takes this Captain-free opportunity to teach the children how to sing, because music is the only thing that can fix this broken family.

Sidenote: Did you know this song inspired the name choices of the leaders of the Heaven’s Gate cult? This movie has a very large area of effect, is what I’m saying.

When the Captain returns to find his children tipped over in a canoe and soaking wet, he scolds Maria, as he does not appreciate his kids spending their summer vacation climbing trees. Maria is the only person in a series of 12 nannies to ever stick up to him, which gets his panties all in a bunch. He almost sends her packing, until he hears his children singing, and somehow that reminds him they’re tiny human beings he should be viewing as blessings instead of burdens. Maria gets to stay and show off several other rehearsed musical numbers with The Captain’s children, leaving the Baroness to wonder…

The Captain also joins in and plays Wonderwall with an acoustic guitar, which makes Maria’s ovaries pop. In order to divert the Captain’s attention back to her, the Baroness suggests they throw a party for all her friends in the Captain’s huge mansion. He seems excited to show off his now non-parasitic children, and quickly arranges a formal affair with dinner and dancing. Things take a turn early in the evening, however, as he is more interested in feeling up his nanny instead of entertaining his guests.

The Baroness begins to suspect something may be going on with little-miss-perfect child raiser and her hunky boyfriend, so she politely asks Maria what the fuck her intentions are with her man. When Maria feigns shock at the Baroness’s accusations, the Baroness suggests she may want to reconsider her placement in the Von Trapp household if she intends on keeping her vow of celibacy. Maria leaves the house in the dead of night, because although she is a headstrong nuisance in the convent, she most certainly is not a homewrecker. The children are devastated, but the Captain looks pleased as punch because The Baroness has decided to marry him, and a new, emotionally-distant mother is the only thing that can fix this broken family. This also leaves him free to continue not to parent his children or be forced to find replacement governesses every few days.

The arrangement lasts all of an afternoon, as Maria is kicked out of the convent for being obviously in love with a man and his seven children. Mother Superior suggests maybe it’s God’s plan for Maria to parent them instead of annoy a bunch of nuns for her entire life. When she arrives back at Mansion Von Trapp, the Baroness sees the writing on the wall and graciously bows out of her engagement with the Captain to make way for Maria to take her place.

In the grand legacy of men banging their nannies, not 30 seconds after the Duchess departs, Maria and the Captain are making out in the gazebo. They decide to get married 30 seconds after that, because having a governess as the children’s new mother is the only thing that can fix this broken family. Marriage is also the solution to the nuns Maria problem, so they’re surprisingly cool with it.

Then, in the last 3rd of the movie, it gets all Nazi invasion-y and the family has to flee Austria ‘cause they’re understandably not down with Hitler. Rolf tries to turn them in because he’s an impotent cuck for the Third Reich, but they manage to get away and hike the alps for all eternity.

Now that we’re all up to speed, here are my Sound of Music hot takes:

The Captain is actually a swoon-worthy Antifa Daddy with a capital D? The last time I watched this movie I was a literal child, so clearly the love story was not appealing. Color me surprised that upon rewatch, the Captain was doing it for me.

He easily admits when he has been wrong, which is unbelievably sexy.
He is vocally against the invasion of Austria, and constantly throws shade at his friends who either show no political affiliation, or are simping for Hitler.
He’s brave as fuck and leads an Austrian solidarity sing-along in front of a bunch of Nazis. He also risks his life by confronting gun-toting Rolf so his family can get away.
Also, there is no way this dashing young Christopher Plummer fathered 7 children. I’m glad the movie aged him down, though, because there was a 25-year age difference between the real Captain and Maria, which would have been really rough to watch.

The Baroness is not a bad person. Look, I get it, the movie is set up so Maria and the Captain can live happily ever after, but is The Baroness really that bad?

She has an excellent understanding of the Captain, and acknowledges his behavior with her and his children is a direct result of the grief he felt after losing his wife.
She’s his economic equal, so she’s not marrying him to gain any sort of status or wealth. There is no power imbalance between the two of them.
She glamorous, witty, charming, and probably great in bed, considering the Captain would leave for months at a time to “court” her
She spoke with Maria about her behavior with the Captain in the most civilized way possible. She didn’t confront her in front of other people to embarrass her, she didn’t try to sour the Captain’s opinion of her, and she didn’t try to turn the children against her or make her look incompetent at her job. She identified a situation was unfolding, and correctly assumed that Maria, a literal nun, wasn’t aware of how her actions were being perceived. She wanted to remind Maria she came to the household to serve God, not get a husband, so unless her objective had changed, she needed to leave before it progressed further.
The minute the Captain admitted he was in love with Maria, she didn’t argue or get upset – she just left. She didn’t want or need a man that didn’t love her. She deserved better.
All of this is to say… Why the fuck did they pull out the “Well, boarding school exists!” card when she showed no previous malice to the children before then, and had expressed interest in getting to know them better and assuming the role as the mother? She didn’t have children, so it was natural she wouldn’t connect with them immediately, but to turn her into the villain who would separate the Captain from his newly formed connection with his kids came out of nowhere and it was dumb.

The last 3rd of the movie where it Nazis pretty hard could have been cut because it feels tacked on as an afterthought. Yeah, I know, this one is the hottest of all takes.

The main conflict of this movie, as defined in the first act, is Maria finding her main path in life. This is resolved when she marries the Captain. “Maria” literally bookends this storyline, first asking “How do you solve a problem like Maria?” and then answering, “You marry her off!”
There aren’t any new songs, they just reprise the other ones for a second, sometimes 3rd time.
The impending Nazi invasion is mentioned in the beginning of the movie, but it is dropped quickly every time it comes up. The doom isn’t felt, even though we all know it’s coming, because it’s covered up with raindrops on roses and puppet shows about goatherds. It’s a sharp left turn for the last 45 minutes of the movie, and it takes a good love story and ends it in an unsettling way.
The Von Trapp family are real fucking people, and them escaping out of Austria is a HUGE part of their story, and I do not want to diminish that part of their life experience at all because it must have been terrifying and heartbreaking. The movie could have done more to show their real opposition to the invasion, including the fact Captain von Trapp invested all his money in Austrian banks to prevent an economic collapse, and prevented his family from singing at Hitler’s birthday. If these things were included throughout the entire movie, it wouldn’t have felt so disjointed toward the end.
I’m just saying, I find it super curious that if this wasn’t based on a true story, the Nazi invasion could have easily been lifted out of the movie and it would still have been feature film length with the same songs.

The Sound of Music is a cultural juggernaut that few other films on this list can compete with. While it may not be my cup of tea, it doesn’t mean the tea isn’t refreshing, or excellent in its craftmanship. No doubt I will find myself absent-mindedly humming every musical number from this movie for the next several weeks, and honestly? I’m looking forward to those little injected moments of joy.

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