Well, I’ve found the audio equivalent of terrorism.  I’ve been singing this for literal days.  Thanks, Philip Balsam.

Being a younger brother is tough.  Bean wants to assist his older siblings Twitch and Lugsy with decorating the glade for the much anticipated yearly bunny picnic, but they are dismissive of his potential contributions.  Lugsy is a big strong bunny, see, and he can’t be bothered by some palooka who can’t reach the top of the bushes when it’s only a few hours before the storyteller rolls up in his bucket to kick off this wingding.  Whether the assumption is warranted or not, Bean’s very vivid imagination has given him the reputation of a liar, with his other siblings constantly doubting the validity of his statements.  This becomes particularly problematic when Bean is later accosted by a real-life dog.

Up close he’s so stinkin’ cute, but these wide shots where you can tell the dog and the farmer are humans in costumes is somehow incredibly unsettling to me.

Bean, separated from his family on the way back from 4GG’s, falls asleep in the bushes because his weird grandma, who is a bit of a scientist in her spare time, was making a sleeping potion in her house and Bean got a killer contact high.  The dog stumbles upon Bean again and this time is clever enough to know that tracking the bunny to where all the bunnies live instead of scaring a singular bunny off is a better long-term strategy.  When Bean Bunny stalls out, however, it doesn’t take the patient dog long before he succumbs to a similar fate, leaving Bean to scurry off once he wakes up.  But much like Cinderella, Bean leaves his scarf behind and the dog, once he’s alert again, uses it to track Bean’s scent the rest of the way to the bunny glen.

Meanwhile, the storyteller arrives for the picnic and Twitch and Lugsy are immediately distracted from finding out where the fuck their brother went.  The storyteller is a wise head, see, wearing glad rags and dropping darbs of knowledge.  You’d think they wouldn’t revere the storyteller much with the way Bean’s imagination seems to personally offend them.

There’s something delightfully meta about the puppets sitting around watching a puppet show.

The bunnies are able to scatter and hide in their holes, and while Bean is fantasizing about being another shrewd animal, he comes up with a scheme to scare away the dog for good and enlists his bunny buddies to enact his plan.  Even though Bean had this brilliant idea, his brother Lugsy automatically takes over the preparation activities assuming Bean incompetent.  Wanting to be perceived as the high pillow he is, Lugsy takes the perilous trek to 4GG’s house to grab her weird sleeping potion to drug the dog – A task that is eggs in the coffee for Lugsy while Bean is behind the eight-ball.  Bean is so frustrated with Lugsy he initially tells him to go climb up his thumb, but in Lugsy’s absence Bean starts to regret the horrible things he said to his brother and decides to climb up a tree to watch for Lugsy’s return.  On Lugsy’s way back, however, Bean is so excited when he spots Lugsy unharmed that he balls up and alerts the dog of his approaching brother.  Lugsy is then nailed by the pup.

“I’ve got a bunny! I’ve got a bunny!”

My dog Chloe had a similar reaction when she found a nest of baby bunnies in the backyard, which traumatized me and the high-pitched squealing furball she was trying to play with.

With Lugsy out of commission, Bean is forced to play Lugsy’s role in their plan, reluctantly and ominously stating, “I’ll be on top and I’ll do the talking.”  Mood.

Throughout the story, when Bean is scared he disassociates and pretends he’s something bigger that will protect him – A fire breathing dragon, a weasel, a nasty old owl, a clever giant hedgehog, a giant tree…

These are truly cursed amalgamations of Bean on other bodies, but I would take either of these over This Giant Bunny costume they cooked up.

Whoops, sorry, that’s another big bunny and delicious dog.

Cursed.  This is cursed.  If I were the dog I wouldn’t stick around to talk to it.

The dog, being a terrified captive audience, is receptive when Mr. Giant Bunny tells him he won’t hurt him because “those who hurt others hurt themselves”.  The dog frees Lugsy, but only moments before Bean unravels at the word “stew” like it’s part of his sleeper cell activation sequence.  The Giant Bunny falls apart and while the rest of the bunnies disperse the dog nabs Bean.

It’s at this moment the farmer shows up and Bean realizes the farmer is the dog’s giant hedgehog and this little bunny’s unending empathy leads him to protect the pup.  When the dog tells Bean the farmer is allergic to bunnies, Bean bravely approaches the farmer to scare him away with sneezes.

Bean’s bravery finally earns Lugsy’s respect and they mend fences.  After introductions between all the relieved and united parties, the dog regrettably admits he doesn’t have a name.  Be-Bop the bunny suggests De-Dop-De-Diddly-Dog-Bop, which, y’know, they could’ve workshopped a bit… But everyone loves it.  De-Dop agrees to stay in the glade permanently, and I dunno what this dog is going to eat living on the land with a bunch of bunnies, but I’m choosing not to be horrified by this or imagine a world where a bunny gets sacrificed every week so they can keep De-Diddly-Dog-Bop on as a furry protector.

Flash forward to the future, we see Grandpa Bean assume his perfect vocation as the town storyteller and oh my god, I’m not getting teary-eyed at this…

“And so, the bunnies lived happily ever after with their friend Mr. De-Dop-De-Diddly-Dog-Bop.”
“Ohhhhh, I just love that story.”

 JESUS CHRIST COLLEEN STOP CRYING.

The Tale of the Bunny Picnic is a delightful story of the contentious relationship we can have with our siblings.  You may rag on your little brother, but if someone else tries to shove him in a sack and put him in a stew they’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes, see.  Little brothers can also be brave even if they’re small in stature, and while you may not understand their Pan’s Labrynth-esque coping mechnisms, their imagination makes life more colorful and interesting.  So, give your little brother a break sometimes.  He may be forced to carry a goose 20x his size down several streets for an old man on Christmas and that will be punishment enough.

The post Movie Minute: The Tale of the Bunny Picnic (1986) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

Merry Christmas!  Since 2024 was and continues to be an absolute clusterfuck by every measurable standard, I’m going off-book and covering something short, sweet, and uncomplicated – a Muppet TV special from 1977 that is based on a children’s book written by Russell and Lillian Hoban that is basically a singing woodland critter reskin of O Henry’s “The Gift of the Magi”.

Emmet and Ma are down-on-their-luck otters struggling to make ends meet after Pa Otter’s death.  Ma runs a laundry business by washing other people’s clothes in her washtub and Emmet does odd jobs around town using his Pa’s old tools to repair things like broken-down steps and fences.  With Christmas soon approaching, they prepare for yet another disappointing holiday season devoid of presents and feasts of food.  They instead make-do with what they have, decorating a sole Christmas branch that gives the Charlie Brown tree a run for its money.

This isn’t to say they don’t have dreams of what could be.  Emmet Otter wistfully yearns for a new guitar with real mother-of-pearl inlays, and Ma reminisces about Christmases before they had to sell her piano to keep afloat.  It’s a good thing Waterville is holding a conveniently-timed Talent Contest with the winner earning a whole $50.  That kind of money could buy some bitchin’ X-mas gifts.

Emmet’s friends convince him to join a jug band, forcing Emmet to begrudgingly put a hole in his mother’s washtub to make a washtub bass and maybe win $13 to put a down payment on a used piano.  Ma Otter, upon hearing of the contest, decides to hock Emmet’s tools to buy fabric to make a costume so she can win $50 and get Emmet that guitar.  ‘Cause you can’t sing on stage without a costume for some reason??  While it was a tough decision for them both, Emmet and Ma are comforted by the fact Pa Otter, a snake oil salesman, would have made the same decision and uh…

Not to poor-shame these otters, but they are not fiscally responsible at all and I’m starting to understand why they’re in the position they’re in.

Conversely, the characters in “The Gift of the Magi” selflessly sell something valuable of their own in order to buy their loved one a present on Christmas, showing that the gift of giving is more important than receiving regardless of how little you have.  Instead, Ma and Emmet both sacrifice something of the other’s, that is actively how they’re putting food on the table, in order to maybe, possibly, have enough money to purchase the frivolous thing.  It’s unspeakably dumb in every version of this scenario because they’re giving up something that allows them to continue to eat in order to get something to feed their soul.  But like, you can’t play the guitar or piano if you’re hungry.

…Is this where Jonathan Larson got the idea for Rent?

With Emmet’s Frogtown Hollow Jubilee Jug Band all set to play Barbecue, and Ma Otter’s costume all sewn up, the pair, ignorant of each other’s plans, head to Waterville to win money in order to have the Best. Christmas. Ever. And also to, y’know, repurchase a washtub and tools so they don’t have to starve to death.

Ma Otter sings the most Carpenters-ass song, which shouldn’t surprise me since Paul Williams contributed to a few of those as well.  Emmet and his buddies are thrown for a loop when someone else decides to butcher BBQ before them, so they quickly pivot to a stinkin’ cute song about brothers.  Pleased with their odds, Emmet and Ma think they have the competition in the bag… That is until The Riverbottom Nightmare Band performs and blows both their songs out of the water.

So the risks paid off!  Emmet and Ma no longer need to replace the things they hocked, they get to make regular money pursuing their real passion of playing music, AND THEY GET FREE MASHED POTATOES FROM RIVERSIDE REST WHICH IS THE REAL DREAM.  To thank Pa Otter for his guidance from beyond the grave, the newly formed group reprise his favorite song after their first shift.

“When the River Meets the Sea” nestles nicely among the peaceful afterlife songs that are comforting and simultaneously make me cry like a little baby.  It’s perfect, no notes.  The End.

While the TV special struggled to find a distributor or an audience when it was first released, it feels like in the last several years it has started to work its way into the public holiday consciousness.  In 2008 the special was adapted for the stage, with a revival as recently as 2023 in Chicago.  It honestly looks equal parts adorable and cursed, but it’s intended for kids, so maybe the furry adjacent-aspect of it doesn’t read as unsettling when you’re 5.

While Emmet Otter wasn’t something I grew up watching, I found myself gravitating toward it this year more than others.  I’m now the age where I’ve started to seriously consider what life will look like without parents, and how their legacy will shape how I move forward without them.  Maybe this happens earlier for people who have children and are forced to reconcile with their upbringing and decide what parts they would like to impart in their own kid’s lives.  But I guess I’ve been more delayed on that front since I’m only now sizing up how my parents would want to be remembered and what aspects of their part in raising me would they be proud of seeing me continue.

Pa Otter, while not the most financially secure, seemed like a fun and loving dude.  He built the ice slide in the backyard, created the tradition of the Christmas branch, and encouraged Ma to play her piano.  His family is now struggling to get by, but both Emmet and Ma are so comforted by thought they were following in his footsteps that they didn’t even question their decisions when they worked out poorly.  Injecting his joy back into their lives was so valuable it made the fallout inconsequential in comparison.  Not to mention pursuing their passions lead them to a much more fulfilling and secure life.  Because what is the purpose of life without happiness? 

We can only survive on crumbs for so long.  Maybe the dumb thing is the right thing in the end.

The post Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas (1977) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

“We’re sorry, Kermit.  We’re sorry we didn’t notice you were missing.  We’re sorry we didn’t tell you often enough how much you mean to all of us.  We’re sorry we ever took you for granted.  But, that’s never going to happen again…  Kermit, we convinced ourselves that evil frog was you because he gave us what we thought we wanted.  When what we really wanted… What we really needed… Was you, Kermit.  The actual, real you.”

After The Muppets, I was fully prepared to eat my own shoes instead of watch this movie. My only motivation was the light at the end of the tunnel.  Much like the Genie at the end of Aladdin, I would have fulfilled my end of the bargain and finally be freed from having to watch any more Muppet movies ever again.  But something unlikely happened… They began The Muppets Most Wanted admitting their fans at the end of The Muppets were paid extras.  They were transparent about a sequel being a not-as-good cash grab.  The opening number was referential to the original sequel, The Great Muppet Caper, but the lyrics were self-aware, self-deprecating and peak Muppet.

I’ll even go on record as liking this movie a great deal.  I was able to forgive the product placement, the obligatory Disney references, the pop songs, and the 7000 cameos because this movie felt like… an apology?  Like they had watched the last movie and realized it was hollow, and the spirit of Kermit was steamrolled by their desperation to emotionally connect to the audience.  

True to Muppet fashion, their opening number states the stakes of the movie, Ricky Gervais (…ugh) approaches The Muppets with the idea of managing them during a World Tour.  Kermit, being a level-headed frog, is hesitant to sign with someone named Dominic Badguy, and doesn’t want to rush into something new without establishing a proper show beforehand.  Striking while the iron is hot with your new IP is not enough of a reason to rush out a project.

Kermit is eventually persuaded to hire Dominic, but books a series of smaller venues to ease them into the swing of things.

The Muppets are disappointed by this, and are easily swayed by Dominic to bet big and rent extremely large venues under the assumption they will sell out their shows and make the money back.  Kermit is against this at first (voting for “just giving up” instead of “believing in themselves”), but he goes along with the group because he was outnumbered.  The content of the show is also a point of contention, as Kermit suggests they play to their strengths, because if the show isn’t successful, they might not have jobs after the tour.  This concern is also brushed off, as Dominic tells Gonzo sure, bulls running around the stage sounds like a great idea, the magnetic bomb-attractor vest will be a useful invention, and Miss Piggy should be singing 4 or 5 Celine Dion classics a night. 

While Kermit is disappointed, Dominic tells him to take a walk in East Berlin to clear his mind.  We soon discover this is a setup to kidnap Kermit and send him to a Siberian Gulag so Dominic and the The Most Dangerous Frog in the World can schedule The Muppets to perform in venues directly next to museums that hold clues and trinkets that will assist them in stealing the Crown Jewels.

Much like The Great Muppet Caper, this movie revolves around case of mistaken identity between bad frog Constantine and good frog Kermit, with their only differentiating feature being a mole on Constantine’s face.  After Kermit is kidnapped, Constantine assumes his identity, and although Constantine has a Russian accent and speaks in Muppet one-liners, he’s covered his mole in green grease paint, so the cast has no idea anything is amiss.  

As artifacts go missing, Sam Eagle from the CIA and Jean Pierre Napoleon from Interpol are on the case!  They dislike each other at first, as everything Sam Eagle does is comically overstated and American, while everything Jean Pierre does is comically understated and European.  They gradually come to respect each other, connect the dots, and determine The Muppets… are too stupid to perform a series of heists.

Meanwhile, Kermit is having a hard time acclimating to prison life.  Nadja, the prison warden, played Tina Fey (with a really terrible accent, which I can’t tell is supposed to be terrible as a gag, or it just is?) thwarts all his attempts to escape.  Kermit grows to accept he is stuck in the Gulag and his friends are not going to come and rescue him.  To distract him, Nadja puts him in charge of the annual lighthearted “Gulag Review”, and Kermit’s practice with wrangling the Muppets make him perfect for the job of wrangling hardened criminals, like The Prison King (Jemaine Clement), Big Papa (Ray Liotta) and Danny Trejo (Danny Trejo).

Walter is suspicious something strange is going on with their tour, because he seems to be the only Muppet with critical thinking skills.  He shadows Dominic and finds him bribing Robert Crawley to post good reviews of “The Muppet Show” and pay people to put butts in seats.  When Walter informs Fozzie, he laments they didn’t think of doing that before, but when Walter suggests that Constantine may have replaced Kermit…

They strike out to find Kermit so he can restore order to this entire debacle, but he’s now neck deep in “Gulag Review” rehearsals.  Even when his friends show up and convince him he needs to leave, Nadja is hesitant to let him go because she’s formed a mild attachment to him.

They stage a breakout during one of the “Gulag Review” musical numbers, which just happens to be about working in a coal mine, equip with pick axes that dig everyone out of the prison and to safety.

While they were gone, Miss Piggy begins to suspect something is off with “Kermit”, especially since he seemed OK with Fozzie and Walter leaving the show.  In an attempt to pacify her, “Kermit” escalates his affection toward her until it, of course, all culminates in a wedding between Bad Frog and Miss Piggy, even though the last time the Real Kermit spoke with her, they got in a massive fight about her obsession with planning a wedding when he hadn’t even proposed yet.  “Kermit” also books The Tower of London as the wedding venue, so Dominic can use the artifacts they’ve stolen to steal the Crown Jewels while everyone else is distracted.

The wedding does not go as planned, though, as Good Frog Kermit shows up and prevents Miss Piggy from marrying the wrong guy.  Upon being found out, Constantine decides to drop one more Muppet one-liner before blowing the place to smithereens.  Much like Chekhov’s gun, Professor Honeydew’s magnetic bomb-attractor vest aids the Muppets in discovering that Miss Piggy’s engagement ring IS the bomb, and Beaker, who is wearing the vest, is launched out the window, saving The Muppets and all their wedding guests.

Dominic and Constantine try to get away in a helicopter, but Piggy kicks the shit out of Constantine, because again, Piggy’s violence solves every problem in the Muppet universe.  With the bad guys captured, the Muppets apologize to Kermit for ignoring his concerns about the tour, and not noticing he was gone.  The decide to continue the tour, but first, they will play the Siberian Gulag as a favor to Nadja.

And the big climax at the end… fireworks.  In the shape of the Muppets.

The original songs are excellent again, because Bret McKenzie is excellent.  They do have a few non-original songs, but they aid the plot this time instead of just being included for whatever fucking reason (with one notable exception, as there is no excuse for “Moves like Jagger”).  The Gulag review auditions used these the best, because seeing a prison full of men sing “End of the Road” is fairly comical, and is only topped by a complete reenactment of A Chorus Line’s “I Hope I Get It”, including a costume change that involves “Gulag” crop-tops.

The best hybrid of pop references and original jams is “Something So Right”, which actually made me cry, until Celine Dion appeared and hammed it up.  Her diva energy in this movie was just perfect – I loved seeing her and Miss Piggy belt out a song while Rowlf was playing a grand piano.

Speaking of cameos, I feel like they service the movie a lot better than The Muppets.  Everyone outside of the celebrity guests on the tour were playing some sort of part, instead of just showing up and answering a phone and talking about how famous they are.  Josh Groban sang from inside a metal box several times, and you only see his face for maybe 2 seconds at the end of the movie, which make it clear he just wanted to be involved.  Seeing Ray Liotta and Danny Trejo singing and dancing so earnestly made me roll my eyes again at the thought of Sarah Silverman handing Amy Adams a menu and Selena Gomez telling Kermit doesn’t even know who the Muppets are.

The guests on stage were utilized well, with Christoph Waltz dancing the waltz in Berlin, Saoirse Ronan dancing a ballet in Dublin, and Salma Hayek, who is famously Mexican, getting run over by bulls in Madrid.  At least the Macarena is from Spain… lord help them.  

The Muppet spirit of Muppets Most Wanted is so drastically different than The Muppets to me, and I’m trying to pinpoint why that is.  Perhaps it was shifting the focus to the Muppets themselves in the story instead of attention being pulled to Walter and his brother and his brother’s girlfriend’s story arc.  Or maybe it was because the plot of this movie was referential to the previous Muppet movies, instead of reusing sections of the plot of the older movies to fill out the runtime.  Or maybe it was because this movie was fun, instead of the miserable time everyone in The Muppets was having, feeling crushed under the weight of their potential failure.  Or maybe it was because they didn’t end this movie hoisting the Walt Disney puppet over their shoulders while an entire street of people cheer on their new corporate overlord.  Whatever it is, this movie is leaps and bounds better than the other.

This concludes Muppet Week!  I have consumed more Muppet content in the last few months than I have in my entire life.  The Muppets are cherished for a reason, with their ability to ride the line between comedy and emotional sincerity.  Their film catalog has increasingly skewed more family-friendly as time has gone on, and they certainly have leaned more toward comedy instead of Gonzo quietly singing about dreams on the side of the road.  I haven’t watched either reboot television show yet, and I need a break from Muppet content for a while, so I’ll hold off on my opinions there.   But, I love The Muppets, and I hope Disney continues to honor Jim Henson’s legacy with their work.

And with that, I’ll leave you with Kermit and Dolly Parton singing “Everyday People” on The Dolly Show, because I so badly wanted to include this somewhere and didn’t have the opportunity. Also this.

The post #67 Muppets Most Wanted (2014) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

But how do you communicate that?  Well, you hire Jason Segel to help write the movie.  He loves The Muppets, and people love seeing him on that TV show every week because he’s fucking adorable!  Not to mention, Forgetting Sarah Marshall is one of the surprise hit comedies of the last few years.  Have him write a script that could have been a really touching story about a neurodivergent boy’s coming-of-age, and his older brother’s acceptance that he can thrive in a community of people like him, and BURY IT under Muppet references from the last 40 years.  Remember the super rich and famous contract?  The road trip to get The Muppets back together?  Jake being left at the car lot?  The Muppet Show theme?  THE RAINBOW CONNECTION?  The kids won’t, but their parents or grandparents might!

OK, story is done, time to cast this thing!  Amy Adams was beloved in Enchanted, sign her on!  And while you’re at it, scattershot a request to every celebrity to make a 20 second cameo for kicks!  The original Muppet properties used to do it, so it won’t be that strange.  You want every audience-goer to point at their screen every five minutes and exclaim, “Hey, I know that person!”  But no human will really do anything of importance in this movie.  75% of the time Amy Adams and Jason Segel will stand in the back of scenes and make reaction faces to whatever The Muppets are doing, making the audience wonder if they are really necessary at all to tell this story.

Next, you need music, so you hire one half of the 4th most popular folk duo in New Zealand.  He has a ton of experience in the parody genre, and is like, HBO famous, so he’s probably pretty reasonably priced.  He’s going to do a great job writing original songs, and original songs are a staple of Muppet movies.  His songs are going to rightfully win you an Academy Award.  The problem is, original songs don’t do anything to make The Muppets seem *hip*.  Again, making The Muppets seem relevant is the goal here, so pick a random smattering of pop songs over the last 3 decades for the Muppets to sing to, like the *classic* Jefferson Starship song “We Built This City on Rock and Roll”, and Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”.  Make a joke, though, that it’s weird that they’re doing it, because otherwise people are going to read it too seriously.

Speaking of comedy, you’re going to lean really heavily on physical gags to make the audience laugh.  Walter will get electrocuted!  Gonzo will somersault from a roof!  The Muppets will stand on each other to form one big Muppet Man!  They’re going to work together to ninja chop Jack Black and force him to host The Muppet Show!  But practical effects are expensive, so you’re going to add them all in post with the laziest CGI people have seen in a movie since 1996. This movie will also present The Muppets in high definition, which make the puppets themselves look… haggard and lifeless, because they’re sponge, and most of their eyes don’t blink.

Sidenote: The gag where they shove Jack Black in the trunk and Kermit flips out is the funniest scene in the entire movie .  If you skip the rest of this mess, please at least watch that, because I was rolling.

If you’re lucky, you’ve nostalgia-bated enough people into attending your movie, making it financially successful!  Now, you need the final scene of the movie to reiterate that the viewer, and the general public, do in fact love The Muppets.  The entire street is filled with people holding signs and cheering for more!  Don’t leave us again, Kermit!  We want to see your movies and watch your shows and buy your merch.  We’ll like, share, and subscribe!

Then, the big climax… fireworks.  In the shape of Mickey Mouse.

I still liked it better than The Muppets Take Manhattan.

The post #19 The Muppets (2011) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

OK, look.  I’m burnt out.  I was a different person when I started Muppet-palooza: I was on furlough, and I naively thought I could stream all of these during the 7-day free trial of Disney+.  The Muppet Movie was so glorious that my expectations of the other 6 movies were… I’m not going to say high, but I was fairly optimistic in the direction this was heading.  After all, I watched 7 Fast and Furious movies in 7 days, and while I thought that would be torture, I came out the other side an indoctrinated member of the Toretto family.

It’s been several months and 2 Disney+ payments under my belt and I just want to be free of this project.  But, I made a commitment and goddamn it, I’m going to follow through.  

This movie is not bad by any stretch, and it has a lot of redeeming qualities, including this melodramatic death scene like 5 minutes into the movie:

I’m not going to bore you with the plot of this, because I’m guessing most people know the basic touchstones of Treasure Island.  This is actually by design, because the team aimed to create another “classic” movie, riding on the coat tails of A Muppet Christmas Carol.  Orphan gets a treasure map, recruits a crew of pirates to go and find the treasure, and is swindled by the kindly cook to give up the map and lead the bad guys to the treasure.  A sword fight between the bad guys and the good guys ensues, and the good guys get the treasure in the end.

Let’s dive into what works about this movie:

• My first thought during the opening credits scene was oh wow, this sounds like Pirates of the Caribbean.  I shortly discovered this is because Hans Zimmer composed this.  It is canon that Muppet Treasure Island walked so Pirates of the Caribbean could run.  There are few more iconic movie scores than Pirates.  Blah blah Star Wars blah blah Harry Potter blah blah Jaws Indiana Jones blahhhhh…  Pirates is better than anything John Williams ever did, don’t @ me.

OK, I’m clearly kidding about John Williams, but you can’t tell me that 17 years after Pirates came out that this isn’t still a bop.

Sorry, I got distracted, what was I talking about?  Right.  Muppets.

• The songs are fairly good, but this is the obvious standout:

The costumes, the choreography, and the humor – it’s the perfect Muppet movie song.  This song is why The Muppets Take Manhattan makes me so mad, because it illustrates the kind of excellence the team is capable of.

• The cast is pretty great.  Tim Curry is doing his best Tim Curry impression, and has enough makeup in his eyebrows that it’d make a drag queen blush.  NOT TO MENTION FUCKING EDINA MONSOON IS IN THIS FOR A HOT MINUTE KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES.  Also, the kid who plays Jim looks like he’s thrilled to be there, which showcases what happens when you cast someone who wants to be in a movie, as opposed to the sad children they forced in front of the camera emotionally dragging down Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

• The sets are truly impressive, as always.  The scene where they burn down the tavern after shoving a bunch of bad guys through broken windows and walls was a joy to watch.

The ship is also pretty cool, which they show in more detail in this behind-the-scenes clip.  There is also a fairly amusing story where the director admits to drugging Tim Curry with Dramamine so he wouldn’t get seasick, which had the side effect of making him almost comatose. 

• The running gag with Rizzo and the cruise ship rats.  Stupid stuff like that is my aesthetic, but the line about the midnight margaritas sent me.

• Sam Eagle.  I feel like I haven’t adequately expressed my love for Sam Eagle in any of the other movie reviews.  He is perfect – the side eye, his curt and earnest statements, and his inability to get caught up in the silliness of the Muppets…  We should protect him at all costs.

I am 100% certain when they cast Jack Davenport as Norrington in Pirates, it was because he did the best Sam Eagle impression.

…I had no idea that this review would just lead to me gushing about another, slightly unrelated movie.  Damn you, Hans Zimmer!

• Miss Piggy’s costume on the island is fabulous.  I’m not joking when I affirm that Miss Piggy is a fashion icon and we should bow down to her.

I also enjoyed she had relationships with almost all the men in this movie, leading her to utter, “I’m beginning to see a pattern in the men I date.”

Also, Kermit has an embroidered Miss Piggy tattoo, which made me giggle.

Things that didn’t work for me:

• The movie is extremely predictable, so there aren’t any stakes, which is probably why I found it hard to keep my attention.  Jim is a kid, so even if his house burns down, or he’s being threatened by pirates, no harm was ever going to come to him.  There was a 0% chance Kermit and the crew wouldn’t end up with the treasure, excited to embark on their next adventure.  I recognize this movie, more than any other Muppet movie, was targeted toward kids, so while this might not have been captivating for me, it very well could be exciting for a younger audience.
• Green screen flipping Kermit.  Physical effects always play better with the Muppets, and the CGI just looked strange.
• There was this terrible trend in the 90s where a pop rendition of the big emotional ballad would play during the ending credits of a movie.  The most famous ones are probably from Beauty and the Beast and Titanic (Thank you, Celine Dion), but we get “Love Led Us Here”, covered by two country stars I’ve never heard of.  It’s so of-its-time, and it has not aged well.  The song in the movie is passable, mostly because it’s cut between scenes of the pirates throwing treasure all over themselves. 

This movie is perfect if you know a kid who loves pirates.  If you’re looking for a Muppet movie filled with more adult-ish humor and touching emotional moments, maybe skip this one. 

Now, we jump forward 15 years to The Muppets.  Jason Segel, here I come…

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The Muppet Christmas Carol is a true to form Muppets movie, starting with a panoramic landscape view, following-up with 4th wall breaking gags, physical comedy, jaunty songs, and sincere emotional moments.  The Great Gonzo plays Charles Dickens, an omniscient narrator of the redemption story of Ebenezer Scrooge.  He and his sidekick Rizzo provide the needed levity throughout the entire movie, while we watch Michael Caine make every version of a sad and distraught face he can muster in an hour and 30 minutes.

The opening number, “Scrooge”, is reminiscent of “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast – the entire town is singing about the fact Scrooge is the literal worst, and they wouldn’t waste spit on his grave.  The cast is a good mix of Muppets and humans, but my favorite part of this song are the singing vegetables that also don’t like him.  I was having intense Making Fiends flashbacks, and I couldn’t stop giggling.

“Eat vegetables for every meal, or your lips will start to peel, and your eyeballs will fall out, and your feet will smell like trout.”

Once Scrooge makes it to work, he lashes out at his employees.  He first complains that millennials are buying avocado toast instead of paying their mortgage, and if they keep it up, he plans on evicting tenants left and right like he were an American landlord in the middle of a pandemic.  Kermit, our Bob Cratchit of the film, advocates for workers rights, and while he succeeds in convincing Scrooge to close the next day for Christmas, he fails at preventing his colleagues from dressing up like… whatever this is and dancing around like it’s August and they’ve eaten their weight in watermelon fruit bars.

Deciding he’s had enough of the general public and they’re cheery, caring ways, Scrooge heads home to brood in peace and work on his night cheese.  The rest of the Muppets, free of his tyranny, decide to celebrate by singing something that suspiciously sounds like the Christmas Vacation song.

Once Scrooge returns home, the real crux of the story begins.  For a children’s’ movie, I was impressed at the detail given to set the ambiance for each ghost.  There is a true sense of suspense before his former business partners arrive, starting with the excessive ringing of the bells and the extinguishing of the fire.  The camera sweeps around the room, and seemingly nothing is amiss, but then you notice the fog rising from the stairwell.  The shaky camera focuses on Scrooge’s face, sweating, in a panic, as the room around him is distorted.  For a second you think it may be all in his head, until Statler and Waldorf, playing the ghosts of Jacob and Robert Marley, appear, and start ripping into Scrooge in true heckler fashion. 

This is where I confess that I dislike Charles Dickens.  I was forced to read Great Expectations, Oliver Twist, and A Tale of Two Cities in high school, as if there were a shortage of other white male authors we could read.  His writing style is extremely tedious to me – I think I finally lost it when there were 3 pages in Great Expectations describing how someone butters their bread, and how particularly they eat it.  Unfortunately, every other story written by him is guilty by association, including this Christmas classic that has been adapted 7000 times.

All this to say, I appreciated the Dickens burn when Scrooge utters, “There’s more of gravy than of grave about you.”

The Marley brothers warn Scrooge if he doesn’t alter his behavior, he’ll end up tortured and chained like the two of them and their several singing lock boxes.  They warn him 3 ghosts will visit: one of Christmas past, one of Christmas present, and one of Christmas yet to come.  The spirit of Christmas past reveals Scrooge’s value of money hindered his relationships, so his sweet girlfriend leaves him alone to stew like an incel for the next like 30 years.  Conversely, Gonzo continues to exhibit a healthy chicken-based sexuality.  

The ghost of Christmas present, while very large and jovial, counteracts any good-time feelings by allowing Fred to get in a few sweet burns against his uncle, and chases that with the knowledge Cratchie’s tiny son will die if he doesn’t get any money to treat his unknown, crutch-based disability.

The ghost of Christmas yet to come, who is a literal ring wraith, just points at shit to show Scrooge nobody is going to care when he dies.  And for someone who, up until this point in the movie, didn’t seem to care about what others thought about him, is really bothered by this for some reason.

After the ghosts complete their haunting, Scrooge wakes up in his own bed, and is so motivated by his new lease on life that he visits all the shops Kermit told him would certainly be closed on Christmas.  He buys everyone presents and gathers enough food to feed a feast for kings.  He even makes that tiny caroling bunny lug around a massive turkey all around town, as a treat.  As Scrooge’s new found-family sits around the table to celebrate the holiest of Christian holidays, the cast reprises “When Love is Found”.  Awwwww.

Honestly, this is the only adaptation of this story I can stomach, and dare I say, enjoy?  The Muppets are adorable, the songs are fairly good, the story is well paced, and Gonzo and Rizzo are the most adorable comedic relief throughout the entire movie.  I almost burst into pieces after Rizzo offered jelly beans to an exasperated Gonzo.  They’re so supportive of each other :cries:

Muppet Treasure Island is next, which is my brother-in-law’s favorite Muppet movie, so if this turns out to be garbage I’m holding him personally responsible.

The post #83 The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

The Muppets Take Manhattan has a tone problem.  And a story problem.  And the songs are pretty lackluster.  And there might have been a handful of jokes I laughed at?  I fell asleep during this movie… twice.  Why is it so high on the list?

The story revolves around the newly college-graduated Muppets, as they move to New York and try to sell their new musical, “Manhattan Melodies”, which has nothing to do with Manhattan, and instead focuses on the impending nuptials of Kermit and Miss Piggy.  They pitch their show for months (even though it is not complete because it is missing something) to all kinds of producers, but eventually run out of money and have to find alternate jobs.  Instead of staying in New York, the script does the dumbest thing ever by splitting up the Muppets, scattering them all across the country to secure jobs high school students would qualify for, even though it has already been established they all have college degrees (maybe this is commentary?  Because in its unbelievability, by today’s standards it felt too real).  Kermit stays behind to continue to search for a producer so he can lure all his friends back to the city with gainful employment.  He travels to the top of the Empire State Building to reminisce on what he lost, but in this scene I was mostly distracted by the fact the camera is pointed on the back of his eyeballs the entire time.  These bouncing white obs were increasingly disorienting to look at because my brain kept trying to fill in some eyelids.

This sad, motivational event happens 30 minutes into the movie, when usually it would be reserved for the end of the second act.  The audience then has to slog through 30 more minutes of the same plot, except with none of the other goofy Muppets to bounce jokes off of.  They are replaced with a boring human waitress named Jenny who has no personality and only exists to make Miss Piggy jealous.  There are some moments of levity, but they’re immediately followed by Kermit and Miss Piggy moping because they miss their friends.

Then, Kermit finally sells the show, and after calling Jenny and Miss Piggy to tell them the good news, is hit by a car and gets amnesia.  Jenny and Miss Piggy can’t find him, so they work without him to get all the other Muppets back to New York and rehearse the show for a premiere in two weeks.  After Kermit is discharged from the hospital, he starts his life over by working in advertising on Madison Ave.  Sidenote: I would have LOVED if Mad Men were a gritty remake of the last 10 minutes of The Muppets Take Manhattan, where instead of murdering someone and stealing their identity so he can leave Korea, Don is hit by a car and falls into advertising on accident.

Hours before the show’s opening, the Muppets find Kermit, but he doesn’t remember any of them.  It’s not until Miss Piggy hits him that his memory comes back, because Miss Piggy’s violence solves all the problems in the Muppet universe.  He realizes the thing that is missing from the musical is more Muppets, and they jump on stage, perform the show, and Miss Piggy and Kermit get married and presumably live happily ever after.

Ultimately, The Muppet Movie and The Muppets Take Manhattan are the same premise – a group of individuals want to pursue their dream of working in show business.  The strength of The Muppet Movie is the emotional core; Kermit travels the country and finds friends that believe in his vision, and together they work their way toward Hollywood to make millions of people happy.  The solidarity is what makes the movie work.  The Muppets Take Manhattan answers the question “What if the movie executive said no?” and the Muppets slummed around for months, bummed out they can’t sell their show.  They break up, and Kermit has to carry the dream on his own.  The core of the movie isn’t hope – it’s loneliness and despair.  The moment things start to look encouraging, Kermit – and I cannot stress this enough – is hit by a car, and ends up in the hospital, leading into the most ridiculous 15-minute subplot that was unneeded so close to the end, if at all.  The Muppets performing their show at the end does not feel like the same emotional payout that The Muppet Movie earns.  It’s because it’s rushed to its conclusion, and Kermit’s absence in its realization makes it feel hollow.

That being said, there are some cute moments, but they’re pretty spaced out:

• Miss Piggy chasing down a guy who stole her purse in the most fierce way.  
• Gonzo becomes a stunt performer in Michigan, and the dude pulling Gonzo on water skis is wearing a chicken suit and riding on the boat with a bunch of chickens.
• When Kermit gets amnesia, he’s unable to control his voice modulation and it sounds robotic and strange.

The “Manhattan Melodies” songs are mediocre, which makes the end fairly lackluster.  With one exception, “I’m Gonna Always Love You”, where the Muppets are imagined as babies.  It comes out of left field, as if they realized they needed to inject some fun in the movie, so they added this one-off number of the Muppets goofing around and looking adorably cute and ripe for merchandising opportunities and spin-offs.

I’m going on record now to express my distaste for Doo-Wop music, and man… this is a great embodiment of it.  But I do acknowledge this is the only scene in the hour and 40 minutes that stands out.  Even then, it doesn’t instill desire enough in me to relive this movie in any capacity.

Next is The Muppet Christmas Carol, which I’m fairly certain I’ve seen before and enjoyed, so it can only go up from here.

The post #72 The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

The film starts with a great, true to Muppet form, 4th wall breaking bit where Kermit, Fozzie, and Gonzo are floating across the sky in a hot air balloon watching the opening credits, and complaining how long they are taking.  Gonzo debates falling from the hot air balloon, because it looks like it would be fun, but Kermit reminds him he may only be able to do that once.

The opening musical number, “Hey, a Movie!”, tells the audience exactly what they should expect – The gang are reporters and they are investigating a jewel heist overseas.  The Great Muppet Caper is much closer to a standard Old Hollywood-type musical, with large dance numbers filled with humans on a soundstage, but with the same ridiculous physical gags we expect from the Muppets, such as Gonzo getting hit by a car, Jake falling through an open manhole, and an dynamite-fueled explosion.

Fozzie and Kermit, identical twin reporters (they are mistaken for each other the entire movie, and it surprisingly did not get old), travel to London with their photographer, Gonzo, to interview Lady Holiday, a famous fashion designer whose jewels were ripped off of her in the opening number by her brother.  After enjoying 9th class seating, they are chucked out of the plane mid-flight, and land in a duck pond.  They ask a nearby fellow for the best recommendation for free lodging, and after deciding against a bus terminal, they head toward the Happiness Hotel, which serendipitously is housing all the other Muppets.

They decide to visit Lady Holiday at work and request an interview, and instead Kermit mistakes her new receptionist, Miss Piggy, as the lady herself, and is immediately smitten with her nice eyes and sturdy legs.  Miss Piggy does not correct him after he invites her on a date, and lies about where she lives when Kermit offers to pick her up.  Back at the hotel, Kermit starts to freshen himself up, while Fozzie makes the argument that he needs to accompany them on their date.  Kermit tries to politely explain that Fozzie would be a 3rd wheel, as he needs to make a good impression on Lady Holiday, in this charming get-ready number “Steppin’ Out with a Star”.

I really appreciated how much care they took to emulate the musicals of the 30s and 40s, not only in subject, but in how they were shot and choreographed.  Later on, there is even a synchronized swimming musical number, featuring a real goldfish, an underwater harpist, and a terrifying practical effect where air comes out of Miss Piggy’s nose.  Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem are the only exception to this aesthetic, as they sing a few atmospheric-type songs that are very on-brand for them, but not necessarily in the tone of the Golden Age.

In a 7-minute gag, Miss Piggy gains entry to a boujee house in order to pretend it is hers when Kermit comes calling.  While I was bored for most of this, I did love how it ended with Kermit and Miss Piggy caught in a closet receiving a restaurant recommendation by an unfazed elderly couple (half of which was John Cleese).  Kermit and everyone else who is staying at the Happiness Hotel make their way to this restaurant… which is more like a supper club.  After realizing the food is much more expensive than they can afford, Gonzo hustles the patrons for money while Kermit tries to distract Miss Piggy on the dance floor.  Miss Piggy gets her Marilyn Monroe moment in the restaurant, being surrounded by a gaggle of adoring men in suits and top hats, which is extremely on brand for her.  

We are then formally introduced to the real Lady Holiday’s brother, Nicky Holiday, the dad from Beethoven, who is doing his best Steve Martin impression.  After a power outage, he nabs his sister’s diamond necklace, and later frames her assistant, the newly outed Miss Piggy, for the crime, and she is arrested.  Although Miss Piggy lied about her identity, Kermit knows she did not steal the necklace, and decides to rope his friends into catching Nicky stealing a larger prize, the baseball diamond, from a nearby museum red-handed (but what color were his hands before?).

The gang stakes out the Mallory Gallery and Tom Cruises’ it though the skylight to attack Nicky while he was grabbing the diamond.  Meanwhile, Miss Piggy (sorry, I mean Hamhock), strong arms her way through the metal jail cell bars, hijacks a cement truck, and drives a motorcycle through a stained glass window to karate chop Nicky’s accomplices and save her new friends.  Having been proven innocent of her crimes, Miss Piggy and the gang head back to America, where they are pushed out of a plane 30,000 feet from their destination.

Honestly, I was expecting any subsequent Muppet movie to be underwhelming in comparison to the original, but this was a solid film, in concept, writing, and song.  The reoccurring gags were charming (I lost my shit every time that fucking lightbulb broke); the 4th wall breaking was :chefs kiss:, especially the fight between Kermit and Miss Piggy where he chides her for overacting; and the music was lovingly referential to a time period where musicals were at their height in popularity.

Next is The Muppets Take Manhattan, which I am expecting more Old Hollywood glam. 

The post #87 The Great Muppet Caper (1981) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

For watching my fair share of The Muppet Show as a kid, I’ve never had the privilege of watching The Muppet Movie.  Let me tell you straight off – it is a gem.  The first scene shows the Muppets attending a screening of the movie you’re about to watch.  Statler and Waldorf call the movie studio a dump, Professor Honeydew comes at Fozzie with a great burn (Well, then you’ll have to get another apartment, won’t you?), Sam Eagle displays his stoic patriotism (Does this film have socially redeeming value?), Gozno cuddles with a chicken – it’s all there.  When the movie finally starts, we are treated to Kermit singing the iconic “Rainbow Connection”.

The first 5 minutes of this movie are a great indication of what the rest of it holds in store.  It balances slapstick humor, puns, social commentary, 4th wall breaking gags, and emotional beats that catch the viewer off-guard in their earnestness.  I lost my shit laughing one moment, only to tear up in the next.

The story is an approximate retelling of how The Muppets were formed.  After serendipitously running into an agent in his swamp home, Kermit decides to travel to Hollywood and audition for a casting call looking for a talented frog.  On the way, he runs into Fozzie, who Kermit tries to save from some unruly patrons of the El Sleezo Cafe by distracting them with a snazzy dance.  Fozzie pulls the ‘ol “drinks on the house” gag, which sends the mob up to the roof so Kermit and him can sneak out.  They decide to drive Fozzie’s Uncle’s Studebaker (his natural habitat) on a cross country road trip adventure so they can pursue their dreams of making millions of people happy.

We are then treated to the most jaunty song – I was literally bopping to it the minute it started.  Kermit and Fozzie perform their best comedy duo gags, and it is intensely joyful.

But, of course, Kermit and Fozzie’s trip is immediately derailed by the pursuit of Doc Hopper, who wants Kermit to be the mascot for his frog leg restaurant chain.  This is disturbing for a wide variety of reasons, of which Kermit vocalizes in the best line of the movie…

Kermit reiterates to Doc that his request is heinous, but Doc will not take no for an answer.  This leads Fozzie and Kermit to employ unconventional means to try and evade him, including having Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem paint the Studebaker to blend in exactly with a billboard advertising a soda.

They soon after run into, literally, “The Prince of Plumbers” Gonzo and his chicken Camilla, and the 4 of them head to the state fair.  With all those show chickens walking around, Gonzo gets a bit of a wandering eye, which triggers Camilla’s jealousy.  They observe a beauty pageant awards show where Miss Piggy is crowned (of course), and Kermit falls in love with her at first sight.

In order to appease Camilla after his previous digressions, Gonzo buys every balloon in the joint, which sets him aloft, sailing about 7 knots away from the fair.  The gang follows after him in a panic, but Gonzo can only appreciate the view from on high.

After a car chase scene between the newly formed gang and a shotgun-wielding Doc Hopper, Gonzo comes crashing down after a billboard pie hits the pursuing vehicle.  Miss Piggy (who doesn’t know what’s going on) convinces the car to stop somewhere for the night, and she puts the big moves on Kermit, exhibiting all the traits of her extra self.

Right when things are starting to get hot and heavy, Miss Piggy is called by her agent, abandoning Kermit at the table.  He commiserates with Rowlf, only to find out that Doc has kidnapped Miss Piggy and is holding her ransom. 

Much like The Muppet Show itself, this film is packed full of celebrity cameos, including (but not limited to) Lillian from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Reuben from Oceans 11, Bob Hope, Richard Pryor, and Steve Martin.  The most entertaining bit may be Mel Brooks’ portrayal of a mad German doctor who is only interested in lobotomizing Kermit for funsies.

After Kermit’s failed rescue attempt, Miss Piggy decides she’s had enough of this damsel in distress nonsense, and kicks the everliving shit out of her captors, with the craziest eyes I’ve seen on a puppet since Meet the Feebles.

After a brief patriotic interlude (presumably to appease Sam), a flat tire forces the gang to pull over and sleep by the side of the road around a campfire.  Without help, Kermit is disheartened that he and his friends will not be able to make the audition in time.  Gonzo, who is a little like a turkey, sings a song that perfectly articulates everyone’s feelings about finding other people who share the same dream, and their quest to live it.

“There’s not a word yet for old friends who’ve just met.
Part heaven, part space, or have I found my place?
You can just visit, but I plan to stay.
I’m going to go back there someday.”

The songs do a great job at illustrating the characters’ personality, and they change genres depending on who is singing it.  Gonzo is weird, but he’s a mushball at heart, which is reflected in the quiet sincerity of the song.

After Kermit’s very important introspective conversation, The Electric Mayhem show up, informing Kermit they were inspired by his journey, too, and they can give everyone a lift to Hollywood.  But not before heading into a ghost town to have one final showdown with Doc Hopper, who has now amassed a gang to take Kermit and his friends out.  Animal eats their new friend Honeydew’s conveniently presented growing potion and scares away Doc Hopper and his group of bandits. 

The Muppets successfully make their Hollywood audition, and the studio head takes one look at Kermit and decides to offer him the “standard rich and famous contract”.  Kermit and his friends immediately start shooting a movie, reveling in the fact they found each other, and now they are doing what they love.

The amount of love put into this movie shows in every aspect.  The story itself is referential to the feelings of Jim Henson and his team, and the end scene where all their puppet creations are singing a revised version of “Rainbow Connection” hit me straight in the feels.  The craft aspects of the movie, too, are just impressive, and there were several scenes I was amazed by:

• Kermit playing a banjo in the swamp
• The wide shot of Kermit riding a bicycle, and the adorable faces he makes
• Kermit and Fozzie dancing at the cafe (2-3 KICK!)
• When The Electric Mayhem play in the church, every shingle, floorboard, window, and plank of wood holding it together moves with the beat of the song.
• Gonzo sailing across the sky like the original Carl Frederickson
• The entire set recreation of the plot of the movie, only for it to be destroyed by a crazy light technician a minute later
• The costumes, of course, are amazing.  Miss Piggy’s constant wardrobe changes, especially in the romance montage, were stellar.  I appreciated they made Doc Hopper look like a discount Colonel Sanders.  Also, I want Gonzo’s hat with the tiny little faucet on it.

I really can’t chat up this movie enough.  This is my peak aesthetic, and I’m glad this project forced me to watch it.  This whole thing might be worth it for the mere fact this movie is now in my rotation.  

I have a feeling it can only go down from here.

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