Welcome to My Fair Lady’s little sister Gigi – a movie about training a female ingénue to ensnare the attention of a man of good breeding in order to prove their teacher’s techniques effective.

Age gaps in Hollywood castings have always been common, but thankfully, *I think*, we’re starting to outgrow the trope of a young child becoming some old man’s romantic love interest.  At least until someone misinterprets and remakes Lolita for the 100th time, then we’re all fucked.  Leslie Caron rallied for this role – MGM approached her for ideas for her next project, and she chose this.  Audrey Hepburn was playing Gigi in the Broadway show at the time, and you can see Audrey’s influence all over Leslie’s performance, down to her suspiciously similar accent.

Picture it: Paris in the 1900s.  Honoré Lachaille is a geriatric serial dater with simple tastes – in his spare time he likes to ogle little girls in the park while fantasizing about which ones will marry or remain unmarried, as those are the only two roles woman can assume.  His former lover’s granddaughter, Gigi, is quickly coming “of age”, even though she is dressed exactly like Madeline in the first few scenes of this movie.  She attends weekly lessons conducted by her Great-Aunt Alicia on how to get a man to chuck money in her direction.  Gigi doesn’t take much of an interest in the whole affair of becoming a courtesan, as she finds what her Aunt calls “love” ridiculous.  Possibly because Gigi’s a literal child, or because she doesn’t find a future of being a mistress all that particularly safe or meaningful.  Her Aunt shows her things like how to appraise jewelry, light a cigar, and how to choke down a small bird without picking out the bones, which I can’t decide is a purposeful metaphor for swallowing or not.

“Instead of getting married at once, we get married at last,” is kind of empowering if you don’t think about the fact these women were auctioned off to some dude who “didn’t mind” buying the equivalent of what they viewed as a used car with 200k miles on it.

Meanwhile, Honoré’s nephew Gaston complains to his uncle that the constant string of parties he’s been attending with his new mistress have him bored and exhausted.  Honoré tries to convince Gaston to attend a luncheon by talking through a song like the Henry Higgins surrogate that he is.  Gaston abandons this plan and laments he’d rather visit Gigi’s grandmother Madame Alvarez, as he enjoys slumming it with the commoners instead of having to pretend he enjoys conversation with rich folk.

NO ONE COMPLAINS LIKE GASTON, LIKES YOUNG DAMES LIKE GASTON; IN A CARRIAGE RIDE NO ONE CAN BE TAMED LIKE GASTON.

After abandoning his uncle, Gaston runs into Gigi, who is feeling defiant and similarly disinterested in her family’s expectations for her future.  They go out to the Ice Palace to commiserate over drinks while Gaston muses if he had a little girl, he’d make sure she was more respectful than Gigi, and threatens to spank her.  After Gigi spots Gaston’s current mistress Liane with a dashing ice skating instructor, she scatters off to leave the two of them alone.

Gaston couldn’t act more disinterested in his mistress’ daytime activities.  Later that night, however, he realizes Liane’s good mood has nothing to do with his company, and instead is the result of thinking about her other, less connected boyfriend.  This bothers Gaston for some unknown reason, perhaps because of wounded pride and not because he actually cares for this woman.  Instead of breaking up with Liane over a letter or the phone like a coward, he’s coerced by his uncle to punish Liane by paying her lover to abandon her while simultaneously humiliating her in public by revealing the affair.  She attempts to take her own life shortly afterwards, and Honoré revels in Gaston’s first assisted suicide attempt like a fucking psycho.  He also talks Gaston out of hiding in the country to lick his wounds and convinces his nephew to hit the social scene even harder to show everyone how insensitive and unbothered Gaston is.

Gaston is quickly exhausted by his now unrelenting schedule as the weight of the world lies on the shoulders of a powerful, rich white man.  Instead of attending a party held in his honor, he hides out at Madame Alvarez’s to drink and play cards with Gigi.  After losing a bet, Gaston spanks Gigi and agrees to take both Gigi and her grandmother to the beach, much to the delight of them both.

During the vacation, Gaston humors Gigi by throwing her around in the ocean and showing how poorly he rides asses.  His uncle, after an entire weekend of racking up rejections, barks up an old tree by hitting on Madame Alvarez.  He pays her a compliment every woman wants to hear, by confessing he cheated on her because he wanted to marry her.  She reminds him he has almost no recollection of their love affair and blows him off figuratively and not literally.

When the rumor of Gigi and Gaston’s familiar relationship reaches Great-Aunt Alicia, she insists Gigi should be set-up as Gaston’s mistress.  Gaston is, at first, disgusted by the prospect, as he treats Gigi like a daughter and is hesitant to force her to grow up.  After having a Clueless-level epiphany, he realizes he may be in love with his budding step-daughter and decides to accept Aunt Alicia and Madame Alvarez’s proposition.  When Gaston asks Gigi to “go steady”, she reacts in horror and refuses his proposal, as she can’t imagine sleeping with her surrogate father until he decides to get sick of her and leave her for some other woman.

Everyone freaks out, including Gaston, who confides in his oblivious uncle.  Honoré tells Gaston he’ll find someone else and then pretends he is relieved he doesn’t have to deal with heartache because he’s old.

Eventually Gigi reluctantly accepts the agreement because she’d rather be miserable with Gaston than miserable without him.  She legitimately says this, I’m not joking for once.  This is grim.

The night before her first outing with Gaston, Gigi prays to god to protect her heart and I just want to vomit.  Much like Audrey Hepburn in My Fair Lady, Leslie Caron’s voice was clearly dubbed by Betty Wand for this particular song (even though Leslie recorded it) and it is glaringly obvious and distracting.

Eliza Doolittle plays her part perfectly during their dinner, and as the night progresses, Gaston becomes more and more irritated at the thought of Gigi having to play the part of the perfect courtesan to him while receiving judgement from his society friends.  He throws a tantrum and drags Gigi out of the building, leaving her to wonder what she did wrong and lament about her fate as a failed mistress.  After huffing around about town, Gaston returns to Gigi’s home to propose marriage, as he wants to protect her from the life of a hooker.  How romantic.

It’s very interesting that not *once* in this movie is it explicitly stated that Gigi is training to be a courtesan-for-hire, or that her grandmother and aunt were former courtesans. The first time I watched this movie as a young, naïve girl, I was so perplexed as to why marrying Gigi was called a “business matter”, why it involved contract negotiations with lawyers, and why Gigi was so afraid Gaston would eventually leave her.  Watching this an adult, it made a lot more sense why Gigi was fairly terrified to “date” Gaston because she was losing a friend and being forced to enter into a stigmatized life she had no interest in.

It causes me equal parts disgust and relief to realize Gigi and Gaston are victims of their circumstances and have to be coerced into dating each other.  Gaston, while being a dumb playboy, seems to be a decent dude who treated Gigi like a daughter because he genuinely had that sort of affection for her, and not because he intended on grooming her into being his child bride.  Gigi has almost no options and is extremely reluctant to take Gaston as her lover because she’s embarrassed to be in the position of being sold to her friend.  They married each other as protection against society, and in my head canon, they remained lifelong friends while doing whatever the fuck they wanted outside of the marriage with other people they actually consider as romantic prospects.

As for the musical numbers, I find them fairly forgettable.  A lot of them only harken to their My Fair Lady counterparts and don’t add a whole lot to the story in general.  And let me tell you, by the end I was wholly annoyed that not one man in this film could get through a number without sing-talking through it.  It’s manly to sing, I promise you, try it sometime.  

The acting performances from this excellent cast was the only thing that got me through this.  Simple looks from Madame Alvarez made me giggle.  But for what is lauded as the last “good” movie musical made by MGM, to me, it left a lot to be desired.

Guys, I’m tired of old love stories.  The age gaps are exhausting and I don’t understand why the two romantic leads have any interest in one another other than they’re attractive and the plot demands it.  Subsequently, I’m going to torture myself by watching the two Leslie Caron movies on this list that have *dubious* at best relationships in them.  An American in Paris is one of Gene Kelly and Vincente Minnelli’s collaborations set to Gershwin’s excellent music, and if you can get past the inherent grossness of the plot, there are a few charming moments.

Bienvenue à Paris!  Jerry, played by Gene Kelly, is a franc-less painter trying to strike it out after the war, but instead has become a master at living in small spaces.  He is friends with Adam, an similarly unsuccessful concert pianist, who is friends with Henri, an extremely successful club singer that has no problems throwing his wealth around.  See, Henri has decided to marry his ward, Lise, WHO HE MET WHEN SHE WAS 14 AND HID HER FROM THE NAZIS FOR 5 YEARS.  She feels obligated to date him because she owes him her life.  When Henri describes Lise’s personality to Adam, the viewer gets the impression that either 5 years was not enough time for him to fully understand the girl he’s dating and instead he’s fetishized the idea of marrying his budding captive female daughter much like the judge in Sweeney Todd, or she contains multitudes.

Ballerinas are superheroes, that’s all I’m going to say.  Also, Leslie Caron is legit 18-years-old in this movie, which makes me want to die.  Gene Kelly wanted her for this role after watching her perform in a ballet she opened because the original principal cast member had fallen ill, and he took her under his wing on set.  She is precocious and charming and holds her own against her veteran co-stars, even though she filmed the movie while suffering with mono, which is insane.

Jerry doesn’t hear this colorful description of Henri’s new girlfriend, however, as he rendezvous with the pair on his way to Montmartre to sell paintings.  Their conversation devolves into a debate between jazz and Strauss, and I quickly forget the terrible premise of this movie once Gene Kelly begins singing and dancing with some charming older ladies.  I’m simple – I see a cute Irish boy dancing and I swoon.

Anyway, Jerry tries to sell his wares on the street and is picked up by a wealthy suntan oil heiress named Milo that has terrible taste in art.  She invites him back to her hotel room as she doesn’t have enough money to pay for the two paintings she wants to purchase from him in her pocketbook.  His manhood is threatened at every moment once he finds out she’s loaded, but she tries to convince him to look past that by appealing to his ego and assuring him of his painting’s quality.  She suggests he return to her room later that night for a party, and he agrees under the assumption she will be hooking him up with a friend of hers.  He’s so excited about his change of luck that he celebrates by dancing with a bunch of French children.

This shit is adorable, I caaaaaan’t.

Gene Kelly is fascinating to me.  He studied ballet and became a dance teacher to try and make dance seem more accessible to all people.  On wiki it details how Gene would dance in street clothes instead of a suit (like other contemporaries) to make dance seem less intimidating, asserting, “If Fred Astaire is the Cary Grant of dance, I’m the Marlon Brando.”  Also, he accepted the role for Xanadu because he lived close to the set, and turned down directing The Sound of Music by telling the screenwriter, “Go find someone else to direct this piece of shit,” so he’s kind of my hero.

When Jerry returns to Milo’s he is surprised the party of many he thought he was attending was really just a party-for-two.  Milo tries to convince Jerry she’d make a wonderful manager while simultaneously attempting to get into his pants.  He’s offended at first, so she acquiesces to his paying for their night out to help appease his manly pride.  They’re having a swell ‘ol time until Jerry makes heart eyes at 19-year-old Lise from across the club. Jerry approaches her table, pretends to know her, and holds her hostage on the dance floor while he tries to woo her.  All of this is creepy as fuck, only compounded by the fact that Gene Kelly is literally twice the age of this actress.  Lise gets out of his grasp, Milo throws a fit in the cab on the way home, and Jerry has the nerve to act all indignant about being called out for hitting on another girl while he was out on a date.

The next morning, Milo, who clearly doesn’t love herself enough, drops by Jerry’s place and apologizes for having a completely rational reaction to his antics the night before.  She informs him she’s arranged a series of meetings with some wealthy benefactors, and Jerry agrees to attend lunch with her in order to further his career.  In the meantime, he finds out where Lise works and berates her into going on a date with him.  She’s hesitant to agree since she is already in a relationship, but something about Jerry’s unrelenting persistence is appealing to her and the two of them meet after dinner.  They fall in love or whatever, and Lise and Jerry begin to conduct an affair under the nose of The Groomer and the Sugar Mommy.

Henri is too distracted by an offer for a gig in the US to notice Lise’s indifference toward him and proposes marriage to her.  Milo is too distracted by getting Jerry a gallery gig to notice he’s paling around with an engaged teenager.  While Henri and Jerry are both head over heels in love with the same gal, Adam (subsequently my favorite character in this movie as he’s not a creepy predator) is instead fantasizing about being a concert pianist.  Is it bad it took me until this number to realize this entire movie was scored by Gershwin?  Once you hear it, it’s the most obvious thing in the world.  Also, watch “Nodame Cantabile”, it’s so flippin’ good.

Jerry confides in Adam that his woman is acting all hot and cold toward him and bemoans how utterly in love with her he is.  When Adam causally asks what her name is, he loses his mind when he finds out it’s Henri’s girlfriend Lise because shit between his friends is about to GO DOWN.  Adam can only watch in horror when Henri shows up and unknowingly provides advice to Jerry on how to win over his fiancé by telling her he loves her.

This goes over like a lead balloon as Lise breaks up with Jerry when he confesses his love.  She feels obligated to marry Henri since, you know, the grooming.  Jerry handles this in a very mature way by running over to Milo’s apartment and making out with her, because his career is *so important* to him now.  He accompanies Milo to an artists party and I cannot begin to describe how bananas it looks.  Adam tries to be a homie to Milo by warning her that Jerry is not on the up-and-up, and Jerry has a very awkward encounter with Henri and Lise that immediately reveals Jerry’s charade.  Milo doesn’t deserve this, goddamn.

Jerry and Lise confront each other on the balcony and bid each other farewell before Lise leaves with Henri.  Then the musical ends with a 20-minute ballet sequence that takes place in a series of paintings in Jerry’s head.  I’m not joking.  It was Gene Kelly’s idea – he hired a ballet company to perform it, it took 6 weeks to learn it, and it cost ~500k to film it.  Leslie Caron also revealed the on pointe portions were performed on CONCRETE and I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how painful that must have been, holy shit.  Wood has give; concrete does not.  Every movement would have been absorbed in the body’s joints instead of being shared with the floor and this would absolutely destroy a dancer.  Again, ballerinas are superheroes.

Gene Kelly used to have America’s ass.

Back in reality, Henri overhears the exchange and decides to break up with Lise.  He drives them back to the party and Jerry and Lise walk off together so presumably Lise can get married before she turns vingt ans.  I hate everything.  The end.

The musical numbers were barely enough motivation to get me through this film – I’m just completely turned off by a love triangle between a teenager, a singer who groomed a child, and a 30-something ex-GI.  I can’t wait to consume literally anything else with Gene Kelly in it, because this movie is gross.