A scheme to put food on the table becomes one woman’s journey of exploring her own gender expression.

Victor/Victoria is one of several collaborations between Dame Julie Andrews and her late husband, director Blake Edwards.  Blake based his screenplay on the 1933 German film Viktor und Viktoria and it contains the same premise.  This version, however, is injected with music written by Henry Mancini, who is probably most well-known for composing the Pink Panther theme song (at least that’s what IMDB would lead you to believe, since he’s credited for it like 150 times).  Incidentally, this is yet another movie musical that was translated from the screen to the stage, as Julie Andrews reprised this role on Broadway over a decade later when it opened in 1995.  Liza Minnelli took over the role of Victoria after Julie Andrews departed the show (unfortunately because of a tragically botched vocal chord surgery) which is one of the many reasons I’m convinced Cabaret is this musical’s spiritual sister.

Picture it: Paris, 1934.  We’re introduced to club singer Carole “Toddy” Todd, played by Robert Preston, whose snarky quips to his audience devolve into fist fights, causing his place of business, Chez Lui, to close for a week.  Down on his luck after getting shitcanned for this stunt, he heads to a restaurant for some café to drown his sorrows into.  He serendipitously runs into Victoria Grant, played by Julie Andrews, who unsuccessfully auditioned for role at Toddy’s former place of business earlier that morning.  Victoria had cooked up a scheme to allow them to eat dinner for free by hiding a cockroach she found in her hotel room in her salad.  This only goes *slightly* awry by instigating a riot in the restaurant, and while the waiter is distracted, the two of them book it in the rain to run out on the check.

Toddy and Victoria retreat to Toddy’s place to warm up and dry out their wet clothes.  They become fast friends, bonding over their failed relationships and their lackluster singing careers.  When Victoria realizes her clothes have shrank, leaving her with nothing to wear to sneak back into her hotel, Toddy offers his place to stay for the night.  He also commits to paying Victoria’s hotel bill, even though it’s the last of the little money he’s saved up.  

The next morning, money in hand, Victoria dresses in Toddy’s ex boyfriend Richard’s clothes in order to head back to the hotel, and is surprised when Toddy’s ex shows up unannounced to take them from her.  When she hears how Richard talks to Toddy, Victoria slugs Richard in the face and forces him to leave the apartment.  

Toddy, watching this entire scene unfold, gets the brilliant idea that will score them some funds – Victoria should pose as a man pretending to be a woman, and with her vocal range, their novelty vaudeville act would, for sure, be a smash hit.  Toddy introduces his new “boyfriend” Count Victor Grazinski/Victoria to talent agent Andre Cassell, played by motherfucking Gimli himself, John Rhys-Davies.  He gets them a gig at a famous club, and 6 weeks later, Polish Count Victor Grazinski blows everyone out of the water with his debut performance.

A rich American gangster, King Marchand, played by James Garner, happens to be in the audience and is immediately smitten with Victoria… that is until it’s revealed on-stage that Victoria is really Julie Andrews sporting a short haircut.  King’s girlfriend, Norma Cassady, is relieved by this revelation, as she noticed King’s boner through his pants when Victor was on stage.  Immediately rejecting questioning his sexuality, King confronts Victor after his performance, accusing him of being a real woman because King wants to fuck him.  Victor blows him off in a non-sexual way, even though King’s got her all hot and bothered, and Victor leaves with Toddy to spend the night in their new penthouse.

Norma harasses King about being attracted to a man, nevertheless a gay man impersonating a woman, which annoys him enough that he can’t get it up to fuck her anymore.  King then gets his bodyguard, former Detroit Lion Alex Karras, to ship Norma back home, leaving him free to attend every subsequent performance of Victor’s because this straight boy can’t get enough of this drag queen.  Not only that, he goes the extra mile to sneak into Victor and Toddy’s hotel room and watch Victor while he’s bathing, which just like… why?  Why would someone do this?  To see their genitals?  This is played for comedy, but this creepy – King is creepy. 

Meanwhile, back in Chicago, Norma is leaning into her new gig.

During the opening credits, when they showed Leslie Ann Warren’s name, I was like, she sounds familiar, how do I know her?  An hour and a half later, when she started singing this number, I almost had a heart attack.  I stumbled upon this dumb Chicago bit like 15 years ago not realizing what it was from, and it has stuck in my head since then.  I love everything about this, and no shade to Julie Andrews (y’all know how much I fucking worship her), but this is my favorite number of the movie.

Norma, still salty about getting kicked to the curb, rats out King to his business partner, letting him know dude is gay for a drag queen.  His business partner hires a private eye to confirm that Victor is a dude (which is also super invasive and not funny) so there’s evidence King is dating a Polish fairy.  King, on the other hand, has leaned hard into courting Victor, and offers him a job singing at the same club back in Chicago.  To toast the new future gig, Toddy, Victor, King, Gimli and Alex Karras head to Chez Lui.  An impromptu performance with Toddy and Victor again devolves into chaos when Victor spots Toddy’s ex Richard and trips the shit out of him.  After their getaway from the police, King and Victor start making out in an alley, as King has decided he doesn’t care what Victor/Victoria’s gender expression is, he wants in those nicely tailored pants.  

When King’s bodyguard walks in on the two of them getting nasty, Alex has the bravery to come out to his boss as gay, which brings reality to King’s situation.  He doesn’t want to be gay bashed without actually being gay, and Victoria doesn’t want to give up her job as a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman to make him feel more comfortable.  They decide to part, but this only lasts about a day, because King can’t stay away from Victoria and decides he’ll take the beating in order to be with her.  This also works out for Toddy, as him and Mr. King’s bodyguard quickly begin their own relationship.

Things between Victoria and King don’t go as smoothly as they’d hope, as King gradually becomes sick of parading around as a same-sex couple, and restricting their activities to venues that are accepting of that sort of thing.  Victoria sees the writing on the wall and talks to Toddy about ending their charade, as she doesn’t want to lose King.  This all comes to a head when King’s business partner and Norma show up, insisting King sell his share of the club as the mob doesn’t want to be involved with a homosexual.  Victoria shows up and outs herself to Norma, and King is let off the hook.  Next, the police show up at the club insisting Victor isn’t a man, which means the club is perpetuating a fraud.  Toddy reveals himself to the officer, letting Victoria off the hook, and Victoria and King live happily ever after as a man and a woman in a boring ‘ol cishet relationship.  The end.

In terms of sexuality and gender expression, I’m very surprised to find the attitudes of this movie fairly progressive for its time.  Not to give Blake Edwards too much credit, though, since he’s the wonderful brainchild behind how Mr. Yunioshi was depicted in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, an absolute masterclass in racist depictions of Asians.  It’s a great reminder that while people may be open-minded allies to some minority groups, they can still be woefully and harmfully behind the times with others.

The movie states outright that men can act traditionally feminine, or masculine, or anywhere in-between and be attracted to any sort of gender, or certain people regardless of their gender – it all exists on a squishy spectrum and there’s no need to feel shame about who you are and who you want to love.  Even with King, you see his progression from telling Victor he couldn’t possibly be a man because he was attracted to him, to him gradually realizing he didn’t care about Victor’s gender, he just wanted to be with him.  Even his initial hesitation to be perceived as gay evolved as the movie went on, as by the end of it he was ready to sign away his club because he didn’t want to out Victor as Victoria.  I loved seeing King evolve from someone who seemed ambivalent and uncomfortable to becoming a true ally.

I also loved Victoria and Toddy’s story.  All the scenes Julie Andrews shares with Robert Preston are precious and funny, especially at the restaurant when they first become partners-in-crime.  The movie does an excellent job developing their friendship, and I took great comfort in witnessing how much they cared and supported each other, quickly becoming not only important to one another, but imperative.  Victoria defends Toddy’s honor from his ex every time she could, and agreed to Toddy’s scheme (even though it complicated her love life) because she wanted to elevate them both.  Toddy supported Victoria emotionally (and monetarily, even when he had almost nothing to give) while she conducted her relationship with King.  At the end, Toddy comes to Victoria’s rescue by concealing her identity from the cops, as well as satirizing her act on stage.  They are ultimate friend goals, and I wish more of the movie focused on them, because honestly, I didn’t care much about King.

I’m kind of lukewarm on Victor/Victoria in general because King is fairly unlikable in a large portion of it, and I wasn’t really invested in his and Victoria’s relationship.  I was disappointed she gave up her career for him after making a point about how fulfilling it was to her.  While she wasn’t presenting as her true gender expression, I wish the subtext of her giving up her career to make a man more comfortable wasn’t there.  But it does stay true to the theme of living your authentic self, so I can’t balk at it too much.

I’m still mentally processing The Saddest Music in the World, so instead let’s spend the week with flying nannies, shall we?

Keeping up the long tradition of adoring Dame Julie Andrews, let’s enjoy her debut role in Mary Poppins, in which she is practically perfect in every way.

Dick Van Dyke and his cringe-worthy accent introduce us to the two Banks children, Jane and Michael.  They have a mother distracted by smashing the patriarchy, and a father who revels in doing his best Henry Higgins impression.  The children are instead raised by a series of nannies that somehow are dumb enough to get consistently bamboozled by two children under the age of 8.

When a opening for a new nanny arises, Mrs. Banks delegates posting the position to her husband, since he insists he can take a break from talking about how much he loves his country and his routine long enough to handle something as simple as hiring a nanny.  Mary Poppins applies for the job, fast talks her way into the Banks’ lives, and immediately heads upstairs to win the children over with a series of parlor tricks.

FUN FACT: Julie Andrews did all of that whistling, because she is a queen.

After knowing the children for about thirty minutes, she abandons them in a chalk painting so she can watch her boyfriend dance around with penguins.

Also, this is what happens when you talk about your many, many sexual conquests in front of your current girlfriend.

When they do meet up with the children again, Mary inadvertently joins the pursuit of an aggressively Irish fox, and then enters a horse race, which she wins, because of course she does.  She celebrates by singing a bunch of nonsense that will be stuck in our heads for the next 50 years.

FUN FACT: Julie Andrews used to impress the children actors on The Sound of Music set by saying supercalifragilisticexpialidocious backwards.

While Mary Poppins takes the children on a series of interesting errands, their father is increasingly annoyed that someone other than him is making their household pleasant.  Mary casually hints that maybe parenting would be a good way to get into his kids good graces, and manipulates him into taking Jane and Michael to work, because banks are super interesting to children.  Unsurprisingly, the children are more concerned with feeding the birds because Mary brainwashed them by singing a little ditty.  Instead they are forced to listen to their father and his coworkers wax poetic about imperialism and slavery.

In response, Jane and Michael start a riot, and flee the bank in order to avoid their father’s wrath. They get lost and run head-first into Bert on his way to his 7th or 8th part-time gig.  They communicate what happened, and Bert surprisingly takes Mr. Banks side, because he’s just a cog in *the system*.

“Hey kids, did you know your father is a victim of capitalism?  You think it’s easy having your household pander to your every whim?  It’s not all stealing money from your children, wearing a carnation boutonniere and acting all holier-than-thou – Mr. Banks has it tough.  Some white men yelled at him once!  Have a heart!”

When Bert returns the children to their home, their mother, in her infinite wisdom, thinks he looks legit enough to watch her offspring until Mary Poppins returns.  He takes them on an excursion to the roof, which is all fun and games until their elderly ship captain neighbor shoots cannonballs at them because he thinks they’re black.  I’m not kidding.

When Mr. Banks and his bizarre mustache come home after spending his day not nearly concerned enough with where his children wandered off to, Bert kindly suggests that maybe Mr. Banks should pay attention more to his family.  Mr. Banks takes this advice to heart even though Bert is an unrelated chimney sweep, and presumably because he’s a dude.

Mr. Banks tackles this issue head-on by traveling to his place of employment and murdering his boss by telling him a bad joke.  He then returns to his family and manically dances and sings his way into their hearts again because he’s so happy he’s been fired.  He gets rehired not 2 minutes later, but that’s fine because his boss is dead.  The end.

Now to prepare myself for another famous Disney remake sequel, Mary Poppins Returns…