Merry Christmas!  I had to get a little creative since I’d blown through the explicitly Christmas movies on this list back in 2021.

• Where the Heart Is
• About a Boy
• Sense and Sensibility
• Pride and Prejudice
• Music and Lyrics
• Under the Tuscan Sun
• Moonstruck
• Waitress
• Pitch Perfect
• Gentleman Prefer Blondes

Their mid-tier notoriety has allowed Lorelei to attract a wealthy beau, the precious Gus Esmond Jr. (Tommy Noonan).  His father, who bankrolls his behavior, doesn’t approve of the match, which is why Lorelei has concocted a plan – They will set sail on a boat to Paris and get married in Europe, far away from his father’s influence.  If Gus gets cold feet about the marriage and bails last minute, Lorelei and Dorothy will disembark regardless, only to return to the states when Gus comes to his senses and makes a commitment that matches the massive piece of ice on her finger.

As Lorelei predicted, her and Dorothy are soon escorted on the boat to Europe, France for their non-romantic voyage.  Gus has funded this entire endeavor of course and is counting on Dorothy to wrangle Lorelei and prevent her from getting in trouble.  Dorothy takes her responsibilities to Lorelei incredibly seriously, but immediately befriends the entire USA Olympic team to entertain herself.

It takes everything within Gus to leave Lorelei on that boat, bribing her with gifts while pleading for her to be a good sport.  She responds by placating his anxieties, “Daddy! Sometimes I think there’s only one of you in the whole wide world!” This only proves that Marilyn was the only person who is allowed to say “Daddy” without us all collectively cringing.

Malone, figuring it would be easier and less conspicuous to move in on the obviously single Dorothy to gather information, makes a pass at her by pretending to be rich.  When Dorothy sends him a look that would melt the flesh of his bones he changes his strategy by suggesting that someone told him that Dorothy was interested in men with stuffed pockets and instead it must have been Lorelei they were talking about.  Dorothy concedes, especially after Malone witnesses Lorelei making fast friends with Sir Frances Beekman, affectionately referred to as “Piggy”.  He’s an elderly man who owns a diamond mine in South Africa, so clearly he’s a morally great dude who certainly doesn’t deserve to be robbed blind by Lorelei.  It isn’t until Lady Beekman, wearing more jewels than a magpie can horde, reveals she owns a diamond tiara that Lorelei officially makes her mark.

Later that night with their sights set on glory, the girls arrive at their very expensive dinner table while attracting absolutely no attention at all in their hideous gowns.

While we all know Marilyn as a sex symbol, Jane Russell also was pigeon-holed into “the girl” roles as well.  Discovered by Howard Hughes, Jane was never able to escape how he marketed her.  Even well into her 80s, Jane was asked by interviewers about her large breasts and the “special bra” Hughes designed for her to wear while shooting The Outlaw to hide her corseting (that she subsequently threw under her bed and he never noticed).  She’s also inevitably asked about her and Hughes “romantic” relationship because much like Ann-Margret with Elvis and Rita Moreno with Marlon Brando, a woman can’t just talk about her career without some dumb dude taking part of the spotlight away from her.  Similarly, Jane would always be asked about her and Marilyn’s friendship with questions about how she acted on set, if she committed suicide, if she would have survived if she had a better support system… it’s pretty disgusting, really.  While the public is neverendingly fascinated by the circumstances of Marilyn’s death, her persona and likeness was continually marketed after she died, picking her body apart like a vulture and selling each of her belongings to anybody who wanted to own a piece of her (including proximity to her literal corpse which is so violating and gross it makes me physically ill to think about). Both of these women, while beautiful, were also incredibly talented, and it’s disheartening that their careers are remembered either by their scandals, their fate, or their cup size.

Once seated, Dorothy is amused that Malone is conveniently placed at their table, incorrectly assuming he’s there for her and not her friend.  The dinner continues to devolve in Malone’s favor after it’s revealed that Dorothy’s blind date, Mr. Henry Spofford the Third, is barely older than a toddler.

Funny Girl: How Feminism Killed My Marriage!

It was only coincidence I decided to watch Funny Girl after completing my review of A Star is Born, as it hits several of the same plot points.  I honestly thought the only reason they were strikingly similar to me was because I viewed them back-to-back, but then two videos I watched about the Broadway production noted this as well, so I didn’t feel entirely unjustified.  Man with lots of money discovers woman before she becomes a star.  They start a obviously doomed relationship and get married right as the wife’s career starts to take off.  The husband struggles with his own vices to the detriment of his wife’s career, and ultimately their relationship ends because the husband is too proud and can’t handle the fact their spouse makes more money than them.  The end.

Although I don’t think the plot is necessarily the reason to watch this movie (the reason is to watch Barbra Streisand be the most Barbra Streisand she can be), it is a fictionalized retelling of the rise of real-life burlesque star Fanny Brice and her relationship with her first husband Nick Arnstein.  From all accounts this leans pretty heavy on the fictionalized, as Nicky was married when he and Fanny began their affair, it took him 6 years to get divorced from his previous wife to marry Fanny, and Fanny eventually divorced him because she was sick of him fucking around on her.  Even though her love life was tumultuous, Fanny’s career is what made her special, which is why it’s a bit annoying that in the majority of this movie it takes a backseat to her fascination with a useless pretty boy.  Although real-life Fanny’s character was a Jewish characture, she helped in revising the criteria of what kinds of women could be famous performers.  Beyond a good body and a pretty face, personality and talent were enough to gain notoriety.  Although let’s be real, it’s not like Fanny was hideous or anything.

Barbra originated this role on Broadway, and it was tailor made to her talents.  Check out the videos linked from Staged Right for a great summary of how the show was created, how Barbra was cast against the wishes of Fanny’s non-fictional daughter, and what a seemingly contentious run the Broadway musical had.  When Columbia bought the rights to the show, it was with the understanding Barbra would reprise the role on film. And oh boy, guys, this is probably one of the best love letters to a leading actress I’ve ever seen committed to celluloid.

Picture it: New York, 1920s. Fanny Brice, with her name in lights on the Ziegfeld Follies marquis, soberly enters backstage and greets herself in a sound clip I used as a log-in alert on AIM for like 6 years. Giving off “I’m going to retire” energy, Fanny wanders the stage and loiters in the empty theater until her assistant Emma finds her and cryptically asks “This is the day, isn’t it?”. Fanny confirms, and free of context I have no idea if this woman is making a comeback, or leaving showbusiness, or running away to join the circus. When Emma mentions that Ziegfeld is waiting for her, Fanny disassociates and we’re treated to a flashback a few years earlier…

Picture it: New York, 1910s. A young Fanny Brice’s neighbors are reading her for filth on her appearance and mocking her for having dreams of singing stardom.

I think this is the only ensemble number that doesn’t take place on stage.  Any solo or duet numbers with any character that aren’t Fanny, like Eddie, Mrs. Brice, and Nick, have been cut so Barbra is on screen almost 100% of the time.  I was genuinely shocked later on when Omar Sharif started singing because I forgot this was something someone other than Barbra was allowed to do.

Fanny heads to her new gig as a beautiful Arabian lady and is immediately fired for not knowing the routine and hamming it up the entire fucking time. The theater owner Mr. Keeney scolds the director Eddie Ryan for even casting such a goof while Fanny refuses to be dismissed and sings and dances her way around until they’re forced to physically escort her out of the theater.

Mid-rant, and after accosting a few children, she breaks back in only to find everyone gone except Eddie, who after hearing her pipes asks why she even considered auditioning for a chorus girl when clearly she’s a belter. I giggled uncontrollably when Fanny answered, “If you were looking for a juggler, I’d have been a juggler”, cause girl, same. When I was a kid I legitimately auditioned for a part in Harlequin that required juggling skills full-well knowing I couldn’t, and when asked to prove I could after the singing portion was acceptable, the ensuing display of athletic prowess cemented the fact I would absolutely not be chosen.

I tried googling this musical and I can’t find evidence it ever existed. Maybe it was some public school choir teacher’s passion project they only got to see kids perform once a year after a 3 week summer camp? Or maybe I had a fever dream when I was 10 and hallucinated being in it? IDK, help me out here.

Eddie decides to give Fanny a second chance at the chorus after she assures him she can roller skate, even though it was a bold-faced lie. After falling on her ass 20 times, which froths the audience into a frenzy, Eddie allows Fanny to sing a solo. Her unique blend of comedy, talent, and the sudden ability to skate once she’s getting sole attention from everyone, wins over Mr. Kenney and Fanny is tentatively offered a permanent position.

“Honey hurry up, hurry up, hurry up…” is Barbra’s signature slurry phrasing at its peak.

Fanny’s shenanigans also catch the eye of a ridiculously attractive gambler Nicky Arnstein, who successfully hustles Mr. Kenney to hire Fanny for $50 a week, but is unsuccessful in asking Fanny out. She shrugs off his advances after surmising she is well out of his league, but oh my god, how the hell would anyone turn down Omar Sharif? I am not that strong willed.

According to Wikipedia, this is the fourth movie on this list that almost cast Frank Sinatra (previous ones including A Star is Born, The Music Man, and Easter Parade). For as much as y’all know I love Frankie, whoever suggested him over Omar should be well and truly slapped.

Several months later, there’s a commotion on Henry street when the Brice’s receive a telegram, and once the shock that someone hadn’t died worn off, they’re left in the wake of Ziegfeld’s request for Fanny to come by his theater and audition. She reacts in a completely reasonable way.

Unsurprisingly, she aces the audition, and after fighting with Ziegfeld over how beautiful he thinks she is verses how she thinks she’s not, she turns his new finale number from a bizarre ode to seasonal brides into a comedy act about a shotgun wedding in order to deflect anticipated criticism away from her face.

Peek a small cameo from Anne Francis, whose part was cut down so much she tried to get herself removed from the credits altogether. It’s fine, instead she’ll forever be known as the woman who pranked Dorothy Zbornak by pretending to die while beating her at tennis.

Fanny averts termination even though she deliberately ignored the directions of the director, again, because she’s too much of a hit. She rides the high of bossing around Ziegfeld right into the arms of Nicky, who just so happens to be there on her opening night. This time she takes him back to her mother’s saloon and he politely allows her friends and family to clean out his pockets at poker even though he’s a bit of a professional gambler.

After charming the entire block, Nicky convinces Fanny to follow him to a second location out into the alley so they can be alone, and like, sure, this is a colossally bad idea, but how do you say no to that smile? After establishing both of them are single, Nicky adds more red flags to the parade of them by saying he’s been with thousands of women because he likes to feel free and never has definite plans. Fanny reacts to this information by babbling incoherently about how some people kinda like being in relationships and Nicky kisses her to shut her up before riding off into the night.

I would die. Just drop dead right there, thank you and good night, it’s been a good life.

Flash forward AN ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR and Fanny randomly runs into Nick again at a train station in Baltimore while the Follies are on their national tour. He invites her to dinner in a private dining room at their hotel, and while she momentarily pretends to be aloof, once inside she does exactly what I would do immediately if left alone in a room with Omar Sharif in 1967.

Fanny asks why Nicky never called on her a year and two weeks ago and he explicitly says he could smell the virgin all over her and didn’t think she could hang. When asked what has changed his mind, he replies, “If you don’t, it’s time you learned.”

So… they bone, and continue to bone the entire week the Follies are in town. Unfortunately after 7 days Nicky’s racehorse turned into a pumpkin and he has to leave Fanny behind to board a boat to Europe to scam a bunch of bored dudes out of money since he doesn’t have any anymore. Of course Nicky confesses to Fanny he’s suddenly in love, so instead of going their separate ways after a brief sexcapade, Fanny abandons the show and makes a big romantic gesture by taking a tugboat to Nicky’s waterborne casino to surprise him. Her coworkers try to convince Fanny this is a colossally bad idea and you could anger a million bulls with all the red flags Nicky’s waving, but she simply. cannot say no. to that smile. I would make a joke that his dick must be legendary but she wouldn’t know any better if it wasn’t.

Oh look, another helicopter shot from the 1960s that’s a million times better than the one in A Hard Day’s Night.

Sidenote: Every time I hear “the sun’s a ball of butter” I first cringe because I hate that line, and secondly think of this skit.

This was Barbra’s first film role, by the way.  Not that she wasn’t well-known at this point – her voice was already acknowledged as one of the greats before she even turned 30.  But she steals the camera in every freaking scene, especially this one when Fanny’s clearly making the dumbest mistake ever.  You root for Fanny; you want her to succeed in both life and love because Barbra is so charming.  She won a Best Actress Oscar for this performance, and it’s incredibly easy to see why.

To the surprise of everyone (even Fanny), Nick is ecstatic to see her – so ecstatic he only giggles when the porter calls him “Mr. Brice” instead of going on a several-day bender that ends with him crashing Fanny’s Oscar acceptance speech.  Of course Fanny plays the “please pick me, I’ll never tie you down” card, only to THIRTY SECONDS LATER suggest to Nick that usually when two people love each other, they get married.  Instead of jumping off of the boat and swimming toward the shore, Nick informs Fanny if he can win his huge payday, she’ll get a husband.  After much distress on Fanny’s part, Nick later returns to the room with a big wad of cash, and they immediately return home to play house for a while.

Fanny went from on the road living like a mouse to being blissfully happy with a husband, a mansion, servants and a baby.  But the other shoe finally starts to drop when Nicky’s hot streak turns cold.  While he’s losing the house on oil fields that produce no oil, Fanny is headlining in a show, putting Nicky’s ego in check.  With a famous wife, his more-frequent losses are being broadcast around both his gambling community and society at large.  When Fanny realizes Nick is drowning after he skips her show’s opening night for a poker game, she sets up a scheme where his buddy Tom would approach Nick with a legit job offer running a local casino.  After Tom informs Nick he wouldn’t have to pony up start-up cash to make him a partner because his experience conning wealthy gentlemen was valuable enough, Nick smells the deception from a mile away and refuses the position because apparently it’s incredibly embarrassing for your wife to network for you.

In an effort to get back on top, Nick decides to participate in an scammy bond scheme, gets caught, and pleads guilty to the crime so it doesn’t look like he’s stupid enough to agree to something without knowing how fucking illegal it is.  Fanny goes to court to see Nick before they ship him off to prison for a few years, and when he tries to end the relationship by telling Fanny he will never be able to support her, Fanny asks him to reconsider. If Nick feels the same way when he gets out, she won’t fight him on the divorce.

The absolute paranoia of a world where women could make more money than their husbands is fucking ridiculous to me.  In both A Star is Born and Funny Girl, the moment the universe takes away the man’s ability to monetarily provide for his family he suddenly feels as if he has nothing to contribute.  His masculinity and his ego get in the way of being truly proud of his wife.  The women are both willing to entirely give up their careers to take care of their deadbeat husbands (even asserting in public they should be referred to by their husband’s last name), which is baffling on its own, but they’ve already made the irreversibly irredeemable crime of perusing success, even when their husbands initially encouraged it.  All I learn from these stories is that men want strong women, strong enough where he can brag about them, but not strong enough to overshadow them.  If that starts to happen, the wife needs to intuitively shrink in order to give their husband the chance to catch up.

One thing you can’t fault Nicky for is hiding his true nature. He told Fanny exactly who he was when they first met.  He never had a set schedule because he wanted to feel free.  She was Woman and he was Man, and she should be smaller so he can be taller.  He might have cosplayed as a dependable dude for a few years, but ultimately he reverted back to his default.

Flash forward to the beginning of the movie, where we finally discover that Nick had been released from prison and Fanny would find out the state of their relationship before she went on stage.  She warns Ziegfeld that if Nick wants to give it another shot she’s going to quit the show, because being a housewife will be the only thing to placate Nick’s fragile masculinity.  Thankfully she doesn’t need to keep that promise, because when the pair are finally reunited she can tell by his behavior that this dude is about to drop the hammer.  Fanny preemptively ends things, and then goes on stage to sing about her heartbreak.

The end of the movie differs from the musical in a pretty significant way as Fanny belts a lament for the end of her marriage.  Barbra insisted singing the vocals at the end of the song live, and had Omar Sharif recite the line “You are beautiful” to her before each take to make her more emotional. It worked – I cry every time I watch the end of this movie.

“My Man” was a song the real-life Fanny Brice popularized in the Ziegfeld Follies Broadway show, which is the only reason it appears here, ending this depressing story on a weak downbeat that legitimately shocked me when the credits rolled.  In the Funny Girl musical, Fanny goes through a variety of emotions that reprise the songs in the show – bitter and sad, but ultimately victorious with a powerful rendition of “Don’t Rain on My Parade.”  I can only attribute this change as the beginning of the 1970s bummer parade of weird musicals that make you want to slit your wrists on the way out.

And if this wasn’t enough, several years later they filmed a sequel to this, Funny Lady, about Fanny Brice’s relationship with her second husband Billy Rose, who was just as shitty of a partner as Nick Arnstein was. Their marriage also ends in divorce, so if you want to watch the same movie as Funny Girl but with a clunkier script just to get 10 minutes of Omar Sharif reprising his role as Nicky being as sleezebaggy as ever, don’t bother. It’s not worth it.

Funny Girl is a show that will forever be associated with Barbra, to the point where its protagonist Fanny is more of a fictionalized character than a real-life previously-breathing human being. This movie is fairly entertaining, although it clearly reflects the ideals of its time. If you like Barbra, it’s a must-see. If not, avoid it at all costs, cause there’s nothing else here other than her.

Except a hunky Omar Sharif being stupidly charming. There is also that.