Merry Christmas!  I had to get a little creative since I’d blown through the explicitly Christmas movies on this list back in 2021.

• Where the Heart Is
• About a Boy
• Sense and Sensibility
• Pride and Prejudice
• Music and Lyrics
• Under the Tuscan Sun
• Moonstruck
• Waitress
• Pitch Perfect
• Gentleman Prefer Blondes

Their mid-tier notoriety has allowed Lorelei to attract a wealthy beau, the precious Gus Esmond Jr. (Tommy Noonan).  His father, who bankrolls his behavior, doesn’t approve of the match, which is why Lorelei has concocted a plan – They will set sail on a boat to Paris and get married in Europe, far away from his father’s influence.  If Gus gets cold feet about the marriage and bails last minute, Lorelei and Dorothy will disembark regardless, only to return to the states when Gus comes to his senses and makes a commitment that matches the massive piece of ice on her finger.

As Lorelei predicted, her and Dorothy are soon escorted on the boat to Europe, France for their non-romantic voyage.  Gus has funded this entire endeavor of course and is counting on Dorothy to wrangle Lorelei and prevent her from getting in trouble.  Dorothy takes her responsibilities to Lorelei incredibly seriously, but immediately befriends the entire USA Olympic team to entertain herself.

It takes everything within Gus to leave Lorelei on that boat, bribing her with gifts while pleading for her to be a good sport.  She responds by placating his anxieties, “Daddy! Sometimes I think there’s only one of you in the whole wide world!” This only proves that Marilyn was the only person who is allowed to say “Daddy” without us all collectively cringing.

Malone, figuring it would be easier and less conspicuous to move in on the obviously single Dorothy to gather information, makes a pass at her by pretending to be rich.  When Dorothy sends him a look that would melt the flesh of his bones he changes his strategy by suggesting that someone told him that Dorothy was interested in men with stuffed pockets and instead it must have been Lorelei they were talking about.  Dorothy concedes, especially after Malone witnesses Lorelei making fast friends with Sir Frances Beekman, affectionately referred to as “Piggy”.  He’s an elderly man who owns a diamond mine in South Africa, so clearly he’s a morally great dude who certainly doesn’t deserve to be robbed blind by Lorelei.  It isn’t until Lady Beekman, wearing more jewels than a magpie can horde, reveals she owns a diamond tiara that Lorelei officially makes her mark.

Later that night with their sights set on glory, the girls arrive at their very expensive dinner table while attracting absolutely no attention at all in their hideous gowns.

While we all know Marilyn as a sex symbol, Jane Russell also was pigeon-holed into “the girl” roles as well.  Discovered by Howard Hughes, Jane was never able to escape how he marketed her.  Even well into her 80s, Jane was asked by interviewers about her large breasts and the “special bra” Hughes designed for her to wear while shooting The Outlaw to hide her corseting (that she subsequently threw under her bed and he never noticed).  She’s also inevitably asked about her and Hughes “romantic” relationship because much like Ann-Margret with Elvis and Rita Moreno with Marlon Brando, a woman can’t just talk about her career without some dumb dude taking part of the spotlight away from her.  Similarly, Jane would always be asked about her and Marilyn’s friendship with questions about how she acted on set, if she committed suicide, if she would have survived if she had a better support system… it’s pretty disgusting, really.  While the public is neverendingly fascinated by the circumstances of Marilyn’s death, her persona and likeness was continually marketed after she died, picking her body apart like a vulture and selling each of her belongings to anybody who wanted to own a piece of her (including proximity to her literal corpse which is so violating and gross it makes me physically ill to think about). Both of these women, while beautiful, were also incredibly talented, and it’s disheartening that their careers are remembered either by their scandals, their fate, or their cup size.

Once seated, Dorothy is amused that Malone is conveniently placed at their table, incorrectly assuming he’s there for her and not her friend.  The dinner continues to devolve in Malone’s favor after it’s revealed that Dorothy’s blind date, Mr. Henry Spofford the Third, is barely older than a toddler.

Welcome to the little-known Irving Berlin classic film White Christmas, starring a bunch of people you’ve never heard of singing a bunch of songs that never really caught on.

I’m joking.  You have to know I’m joking.

Actually, I’m in the minority of people that didn’t see this movie until I was well into adulthood.  Netflix put it up on their streaming service, and I thought, “Sure.  I’d love to know what Clark Griswold’s barometer of cheer is.”  I wasn’t blown away by it, but it worked its way into my yearly yuletide viewing because of two things:

• Bing Crosby’s buttery soft voice that reminds me of when they would dub birds on Looney Tunes with crooners and chickens would lose their shit.
• Vera Ellen’s dancing.  No elaboration needed.

The actual plot of Wallace and Davis saving their former Army General’s inn from going out of business is touching.  I’m going to put a pin in this tangent for later, but I find it really interesting the amount of media released centered around WW2.  We still release WW2-centered movies on a regular basis.  In contrast, events I’ve lived through in my life, like 9/11, the conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan, even the pandemic we’re in right now – we haven’t seen depictions of those events reflected in media on that kind of scale.  Holiday movies that were filmed this year have gone out of their way to avoid referencing that we’re in a pandemic at all.  The lack of extras, overuse of sound stage sets, green-screened Dolly Parton awkwardly floating over dance numbers… it’s almost weirder to avoid the post-apocalyptic-like emptiness completely than it would be to casually reference it.  I understand that media is supposed to be a form of escapism, but ignoring massive touchstones of humanity like they aren’t affecting the entire goddamn planet is almost more eerie.

The romanticism of WW2 may be a way to justify a very dark time in history, and provide comfort to soldiers by looking at the camaraderie through rose-colored glasses.  While White Christmas touches on the adjustment soldiers felt after returning home, other movies on this list like Cabaret and The Sound of Music address the war head-on, so I’ll defer my deep dive and try to keep this review light.  Because (Linda Belcher voice) it’s *Christmas*.

So, right… Wallace and Davis, a couple of showmen stationed overseas during the war, stage a Christmas concert for the troops.  General Waverly, who is injured and soon to be replaced, says goodbye to his soldiers after everyone is already crying at Bing Crosby’s rendition of “White Christmas”.  At the end of the performance, the regiment is attacked, and Wallace saves Davis from a falling building.  Wallace uses the guilt as leverage to convince Davis to join him in a travelling double act after the war is over.

They become wildly successful, but Davis is a bit of a workaholic.  In an attempt to get any semblance of free time away from his friend, Wallace repeatedly sets Davis up with some hot showbiz girlz.   Davis makes a lot of assumptions about their literary accomplishments and blows them off.

Wallace basically reams him a new one, advising Davis that he’s aging quickly and it won’t be long before women won’t find him sexually attractive.  Bob accurately identifies that the age of the women he’s being introduced to is probably inappropriate because they’re at different stages of their lives, but he concedes and promises the next time he finds a lady who wants to pop out kids, he’d consider settling down.

After this heart to heart, they head to a club in Florida to check out the musical act of the relatives of an old army buddy.  Conveniently, the army buddy’s sisters are really hot, so Wallace and Davis are captivated by their performance.  

“Sisters” will get stuck in my head for days after I watch this movie.  It makes me ignore the hilarious fact that these two women are supposed to be related.

Wallace quickly finds out that Judy and him are in a similar situations – Betty is overprotective of her younger sister, and Judy is desperate to get her sister laid so she can have some freedom herself.  They brainstorm ways to force Betty and Bob together, even though there is no reason on earth for them to even like each other.  In fact, Betty and Bobby’s first interaction is a disagreement about how motivations can drive a person’s actions… which seems obvious, but Betty is so offended that Bob might think she has an “angle” that she ices him out.  Even though The Haynes Sisters conned them into viewing their act.  Sheesh.

The romantic subplot between Betty and Bob is EXHAUSTING.  It makes zero sense, they have no chemistry, and it is unbelievably repetitive and tedious.  If I could watch a supercut of this movie that omitted this entirely, I think my enjoyment of this film would skyrocket.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Some convoluted shit happens that results in the sisters climbing out a back window while Wallace and Davis create a distraction for them by performing their “Sisters” number.  It’s a choice.

The quartet is later reunited on a train to Vermont, as the Haynes Sisters have a gig there for the Christmas holiday.  Since Wallace gave away their sleeping car to the dames, Davis bitches about having to sit up in the club car, overselling how comfortable a train bed is every chance he’s provided.  They pass the time singing about how magical Vermont snow is, which is a sentiment expressed by people who haven’t had to shovel their driveway several times a day in negative temperatures so the mailman can reach their front door.

Once they arrive in Vermont, Wallace and Davis quickly discover that their beloved General Waverly owns the Inn Betty and Judy are booked to perform at.  We’re treated to yet another rendition of “Sisters” because it’s the only song Betty and Judy know, and afterward the nosey housekeeper divulges all of the General’s financial woes to Wallace and Davis, which is just so rude, I can’t even start to explain how shitty it is. Turns out, the lack of snow is preventing guests from visiting, and causing the General’s business to slowly go under.  As expected from four people in the entertainment industry, they decide to put on a big show to attract guests.  Wallace and Davis call their entire crew to come to Vermont, even though the day before they had given them 10 days of paid leave off.  If I were their employee, I’d be pissed.

They start rehearsing the show in a barn the size of an airplane hanger.  The first number they rehearse waxes poetic about old minstrel shows, reciting a bunch of jokes about abusing and murdering dogs, and talking about how ‘ol Georgie Primrose was awesome.  How many times am I going to have to address that blackface was bad on this list?

“Mandy” is a weird and annoying song to me, and the stage and costume colors hurt my eyeballs.  But there is one person who saves this number, and it’s Vera Ellen dancing her ass off while being manhandled by a bunch of dudes.

Honestly, it’s my dream to be a part of a musical number where men are forced to pretend you’re the fucking best.

After the number concludes and the 3 people who were watching it applaud, Betty asks Judy if the tempo of the number worked for her in the part of the song that is literally repeated over and over and over… giving Bob the chance to sneak up and play the piano next to her, creating *a moment*.  This feels so tacked on and bizarre and their romance it’s so dummmmmbbbbb ughhhhhh

Later, Wallace and Judy conspire for Bob and Betty to have yet another meet cute where they eat romantic foods like liverwurst and buttermilk and talk about sheep and I just… sure.  Betty apologizes for jumping down Bob’s throat at the club, since he was only there out of the goodness of his own heart.  Bob warns Betty that holding people to impossible standards will ultimately disappoint her, and then a extremely awkward kiss happens between a 51-year-old Bing Crosby and a 26-year-old Rosemary Clooney.

The next morning, Bob has a very well written interaction with General Waverly, where the General expresses interest in joining the army again, only to have those dreams dashed 30 seconds later.  This gives Bob the idea to invite the old regiment to the performance as a way to emotionally validate the General, which is touching and freaking adorable.  He arranges to put the word out to the soldiers on a television program, which the housekeeper overhears incorrectly on the phone and believes that Wallace and Davis are going to parade the general in front of the nation and talk about how pitiful he is for clout and profit.  She communicates this to Betty, who is understandably put off by the idea, but instead of confronting Wallace and Davis about it, or confiding in her sister, or warning the General herself, she decides to commit a series of the most passive aggressive statements and actions that Bob and the crew cannot possibly begin to decipher, even though they point-blank ask her why she is upset multiple times and she declines to inform them.

Judy, who also loves to jump to conclusions, assumes Betty is pushing Bob away because she can’t get married until she does.  Judy then convinces Wallace to pretend they’re engaged so Betty can move forward with Bob guilt-free, except to the surprise of nobody, this completely backfires and Betty drops out of the show and leaves to perform at a club in New York.

Again, this whole fucking thing could have been avoided if the housekeeper or Betty asked Wallace and Davis about what their intentions were for the show.  Betty leaving and not saying a word is not only petty, but also sets up the General to be exploited anyway, which is the whole thing she was upset about in the first place!  Her reaction causes Wallace and Judy to come clean to Bob about their scheme, and he decides to look Betty up while he is in New York and set her straight on the whole situation.  When he finds her, she has the absolute nerve to sing a song about love doing her wrong, even though she’s created all these problems in her own head and OH MY GOD BETTY IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

She’s dismissive of Bob and the news her sister isn’t actually engaged, and he mentally curses himself for writing off the “easy” girls before.  Of course, Betty later discovers she’s been acting a fool, returns to Vermont, and performs in the show.  The regiment travels from all over the country to pay their respects to General Waverly in a scene that makes me tear up cause it’s so fucking precious, goddamn.

In the middle of the performance, Bob and Betty get back together, even though Betty is a toxic person who has not once expressed interest in settling down and popping out 9 children, which was Bob’s only requirement for a mate in the beginning of the movie. I’m sure their relationship will be long and functional.

All these happy maskless white people drinking booze in the same room together really triggers some covid conspiracy-related rage inside of me.  Merry fucking Christmas, everybody.  

Also, here are some more videos of Vera Ellen dancing, because really, that’s what saved this movie for me.