It took me until The Year of our Lord 2022 to realize that Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra filmed SEVERAL movies together.  There’s Anchors Aweigh, On the Town AND Take Me Out to the Ball Game.  How?  HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!  While I was booting up On The Town and casually wondering who would pull my attention more, I discovered ANN FUCKING MILLER and VERA ELLEN were also in this film and I about died.  Just a bunch of super hot and super talented people all in one movie, like, sure, I’ll be fine.  EVERYTHING IS FINE.

On the Town, or as I like to call it Anchors Aweigh: NYC, is Gene Kelly and Stanley Donan’s directorial debut.  Gene claims it is one of his favorite pictures, and it hits a lot of the same beats as An American in Paris, which I think says more about Gene’s directing style than it does Stanley’s.  But the reason films from this dynamic duo succeed is because they are both choreographers and know how to frame dance numbers in order to showcase the talent of the performers.  Dancing is a priority and not an afterthought like in SOME OTHER MUSICALS.  This film is also regarded as the first musical to ever be shot on location, which Gene Kelly insisted upon to correctly get the look and feel of New York City.  You wouldn’t entirely realize this because of the awkward utilization of green screens in the majority of it, and also because it’s not true.

Gabey (Gene Kelly), Chip (Frank Sinatra), and Ozzie (Jules Munshin) are three sailors on 24-hour shore leave in New York City.  While Chip is interested in seeing the sights, Gabey and Ozzie have other things on their mind… mainly women and sleeping with one or seven or eight of them.

While on the subway to their next destination, Gabey falls in love with a picture of Miss Turnstiles, Ivy Smith (Vera Ellen), and makes a bunch of assumptions about her character based on only a photo which proves Gene Kelly has learned nothing about how accurate Henri’s description of Lise was in An American in Paris.

Gabey steals the poster for his collection, and then immediately runs into Ivy during an impromptu photo opportunity in which he reveals he’s pocketed her photo for alone-time festivities.  She responds appropriately with a trepidatious, “I’m terribly flattered you liked it well enough to take it with you,” before scurrying away from him as quickly as possible into the nearest subway car.

As the train pulls away, Gabey decides he must hunt Ivy down, and the only way to do that is to hail a cab to head her off at the next station.  They run into Brunhilde Esterhazy (Betty Garrett), a female cab driver, who instantly swoons the second she hears Frankie’s voice.  When Chip asks her why she’s driving a cab after all the men returned from war, she responds, “I never give up anything I like”, with obvious heart eyes and so much syrup in her voice that I think I fell in love with her at that moment.  She agrees to help them on their quest to find Miss Turnstyles only if Chip keeps close to her, and immediately propositions him for sex, which like, yep, I like a girl who knows what she wants.

After missing Ivy at the next station, the boys decide to follow the clues on the Miss Turnstyle’s poster that lists Ivy’s interests and schedule, I guess?  Their first stop is The Museum of Anthropological History, where anthropology student Claire Huddesen (Ann Miller) happens to run into Ozzie, who resembles a textbook caveman so closely she immediately decides to jump his bones.

If I were Jules Munshin, and the props department told me I wasn’t allowed to take this statue home with me, I would riot.

What follows is an interesting musical number that features thirsty AF Ann Miller and all kinds of problematic choreography and costume choices.  I’m not going to defend this, but if you can overlook how fucking cringe it is, it features a tap solo that only proves how fucking dynamic Ann Miller is with, as she says, the world’s most expensive chorus behind her.  The group gets so frothy by her exhibition of sexual prowess that Ozzie knocks over a dinosaur and they’re all forced to flee the building to avoid being arrested.

With the addition of Claire to their party, Hilde pulls a Fred Jones and suggests everyone split up, against the advice of every D&D DM.  She rationalizes this will increase the odds of finding Ivy because they will be searching more places at the same time.  Claire and Ozzie agree because they want to go back to her place to “check the social register”, and Gabey reluctantly accepts that he may be on his own in his quest to get his dick wet.

Immediately, once the two of them are alone, Hilde attempts to put the moves on Chip, and he rebuffs her advances until they’re up in her apartment, cock blocked by her sick roommate Lucy Shmeeler.  When Hilde makes a thinly veiled threat on Lucy’s life, Lucy bolts and Chip ultimately succumbs to Hilde’s charms.

Meanwhile, Gabey miraculously discovers Ivy at her dance school, which is a weird thing to list on a public poster in the off chance that some sex-starved sailor wants to stalk you.  She lies and confirms his assumptions she’s a famous, native New Yorker, which only sets him soaring when she agrees to meet him for a date later that evening.

When the gang reunites on the top of an Empire State Building so unencumbered it allows people to throw guide books and bodies off the side of it, they realize the cops are still trailing them because of their bone-related vandalism and theft of a taxi cab Hilde never returned to the garage.  After tricking the oblivious officers, the pairs are overcome with the endless possibilities the night holds for them.

Frank Sinatra could murder me and I’d thank him.  His voice remains to be one of the best things I’ve ever heard, and no amount of Bubles or Uries will ever compare to it.  I will concede, however, that he does not dance as well as he sings.  This is, of course, in contrast to Ann Miller, Gene Kelly and Vera Ellen, and it’s completely unfair to put anybody on the same stage as these giants and assume they’d stand out.  Frank can hold his own (he did, after all, have Gene Kelly as his teacher), but he never looks comfortable with it.

Sidenote: I find it fairly hilarious that in On the Town and Anchors Aweigh they cast Francis Sinatra as a woman-oblivious cinnamon roll.  This dude fucked more broads than prolly the entire cast and crew combined, god bless him.

ANYWAY, the gang goes bar hopping, and Hilde and Claire decide to bribe the waiters in each club to treat Ivy as a celebrity in order to keep up the charade for Gabey (which is pretty sweet, honestly).  Come 11:30pm, however, Ivy bolts like Cinderella to her night gig as a cabaret dancer, lest her dance instructor write her parents in Bumfuck, Indiana and inform them she’s been slumming.  Gabey takes it as well as expected for a sailor who has only known a girl for a handful of hours and throws himself a pity party to end all pity parties.  Hilde feels so bad she offers up her eccentric roommate Lucy, which everyone seems to hate for some reason?  When he ditches her to drink his woes away at the bar, everyone attempts to cheer him up, including Lucy, because she’s an angel who is a streetcar named impulsive.

Gabey, after realizing how bad of a sport he’s been, walks Lucy home and apologizes for being a judgmental dick.  He then hallucinates an entire ballet that sums up the entire movie so far, as Gene Kelly is wont to do.  

When Gabey’s friends finally find him blissed out, they return him to the bar to truly drown him.  BUT WAIT, Ivy’s dance teacher is randomly there and reveals Ivy’s less-than-socialite status.  Mme points Gabey in the direction of Ivy’s peep show and a car chase between Hilde and the cops ensues as they rush to Ivy’s place of employment.  Although the group evades the police temporarily, everyone is eventually arrested for being a general nuisance and the boys are shipped back to the boat.

Claire and Hilde save the moment with a Droz-style monologue, and the cops are so moved by the girls’ display of emotion that they decide not to pursue charges against our group of delinquents.  Additionally, they transport the girls up to the ship in order to say goodbye to their men before they leave.  As Gabey, Chip and Ozzie return to serving their country, the next group of horny soldiers depart to cause havoc on the city that never sleeps.  The end.

And if you’re curious out of Frankie and Gene who ultimately pulled my attention, it was the inventor of pantyhose herself, Ann Miller, who I couldn’t take my eyes off of.  NOBODY can compete with her.

Guys, I’m tired of old love stories.  The age gaps are exhausting and I don’t understand why the two romantic leads have any interest in one another other than they’re attractive and the plot demands it.  Subsequently, I’m going to torture myself by watching the two Leslie Caron movies on this list that have *dubious* at best relationships in them.  An American in Paris is one of Gene Kelly and Vincente Minnelli’s collaborations set to Gershwin’s excellent music, and if you can get past the inherent grossness of the plot, there are a few charming moments.

Bienvenue à Paris!  Jerry, played by Gene Kelly, is a franc-less painter trying to strike it out after the war, but instead has become a master at living in small spaces.  He is friends with Adam, an similarly unsuccessful concert pianist, who is friends with Henri, an extremely successful club singer that has no problems throwing his wealth around.  See, Henri has decided to marry his ward, Lise, WHO HE MET WHEN SHE WAS 14 AND HID HER FROM THE NAZIS FOR 5 YEARS.  She feels obligated to date him because she owes him her life.  When Henri describes Lise’s personality to Adam, the viewer gets the impression that either 5 years was not enough time for him to fully understand the girl he’s dating and instead he’s fetishized the idea of marrying his budding captive female daughter much like the judge in Sweeney Todd, or she contains multitudes.

Ballerinas are superheroes, that’s all I’m going to say.  Also, Leslie Caron is legit 18-years-old in this movie, which makes me want to die.  Gene Kelly wanted her for this role after watching her perform in a ballet she opened because the original principal cast member had fallen ill, and he took her under his wing on set.  She is precocious and charming and holds her own against her veteran co-stars, even though she filmed the movie while suffering with mono, which is insane.

Jerry doesn’t hear this colorful description of Henri’s new girlfriend, however, as he rendezvous with the pair on his way to Montmartre to sell paintings.  Their conversation devolves into a debate between jazz and Strauss, and I quickly forget the terrible premise of this movie once Gene Kelly begins singing and dancing with some charming older ladies.  I’m simple – I see a cute Irish boy dancing and I swoon.

Anyway, Jerry tries to sell his wares on the street and is picked up by a wealthy suntan oil heiress named Milo that has terrible taste in art.  She invites him back to her hotel room as she doesn’t have enough money to pay for the two paintings she wants to purchase from him in her pocketbook.  His manhood is threatened at every moment once he finds out she’s loaded, but she tries to convince him to look past that by appealing to his ego and assuring him of his painting’s quality.  She suggests he return to her room later that night for a party, and he agrees under the assumption she will be hooking him up with a friend of hers.  He’s so excited about his change of luck that he celebrates by dancing with a bunch of French children.

This shit is adorable, I caaaaaan’t.

Gene Kelly is fascinating to me.  He studied ballet and became a dance teacher to try and make dance seem more accessible to all people.  On wiki it details how Gene would dance in street clothes instead of a suit (like other contemporaries) to make dance seem less intimidating, asserting, “If Fred Astaire is the Cary Grant of dance, I’m the Marlon Brando.”  Also, he accepted the role for Xanadu because he lived close to the set, and turned down directing The Sound of Music by telling the screenwriter, “Go find someone else to direct this piece of shit,” so he’s kind of my hero.

When Jerry returns to Milo’s he is surprised the party of many he thought he was attending was really just a party-for-two.  Milo tries to convince Jerry she’d make a wonderful manager while simultaneously attempting to get into his pants.  He’s offended at first, so she acquiesces to his paying for their night out to help appease his manly pride.  They’re having a swell ‘ol time until Jerry makes heart eyes at 19-year-old Lise from across the club. Jerry approaches her table, pretends to know her, and holds her hostage on the dance floor while he tries to woo her.  All of this is creepy as fuck, only compounded by the fact that Gene Kelly is literally twice the age of this actress.  Lise gets out of his grasp, Milo throws a fit in the cab on the way home, and Jerry has the nerve to act all indignant about being called out for hitting on another girl while he was out on a date.

The next morning, Milo, who clearly doesn’t love herself enough, drops by Jerry’s place and apologizes for having a completely rational reaction to his antics the night before.  She informs him she’s arranged a series of meetings with some wealthy benefactors, and Jerry agrees to attend lunch with her in order to further his career.  In the meantime, he finds out where Lise works and berates her into going on a date with him.  She’s hesitant to agree since she is already in a relationship, but something about Jerry’s unrelenting persistence is appealing to her and the two of them meet after dinner.  They fall in love or whatever, and Lise and Jerry begin to conduct an affair under the nose of The Groomer and the Sugar Mommy.

Henri is too distracted by an offer for a gig in the US to notice Lise’s indifference toward him and proposes marriage to her.  Milo is too distracted by getting Jerry a gallery gig to notice he’s paling around with an engaged teenager.  While Henri and Jerry are both head over heels in love with the same gal, Adam (subsequently my favorite character in this movie as he’s not a creepy predator) is instead fantasizing about being a concert pianist.  Is it bad it took me until this number to realize this entire movie was scored by Gershwin?  Once you hear it, it’s the most obvious thing in the world.  Also, watch “Nodame Cantabile”, it’s so flippin’ good.

Jerry confides in Adam that his woman is acting all hot and cold toward him and bemoans how utterly in love with her he is.  When Adam causally asks what her name is, he loses his mind when he finds out it’s Henri’s girlfriend Lise because shit between his friends is about to GO DOWN.  Adam can only watch in horror when Henri shows up and unknowingly provides advice to Jerry on how to win over his fiancé by telling her he loves her.

This goes over like a lead balloon as Lise breaks up with Jerry when he confesses his love.  She feels obligated to marry Henri since, you know, the grooming.  Jerry handles this in a very mature way by running over to Milo’s apartment and making out with her, because his career is *so important* to him now.  He accompanies Milo to an artists party and I cannot begin to describe how bananas it looks.  Adam tries to be a homie to Milo by warning her that Jerry is not on the up-and-up, and Jerry has a very awkward encounter with Henri and Lise that immediately reveals Jerry’s charade.  Milo doesn’t deserve this, goddamn.

Jerry and Lise confront each other on the balcony and bid each other farewell before Lise leaves with Henri.  Then the musical ends with a 20-minute ballet sequence that takes place in a series of paintings in Jerry’s head.  I’m not joking.  It was Gene Kelly’s idea – he hired a ballet company to perform it, it took 6 weeks to learn it, and it cost ~500k to film it.  Leslie Caron also revealed the on pointe portions were performed on CONCRETE and I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how painful that must have been, holy shit.  Wood has give; concrete does not.  Every movement would have been absorbed in the body’s joints instead of being shared with the floor and this would absolutely destroy a dancer.  Again, ballerinas are superheroes.

Gene Kelly used to have America’s ass.

Back in reality, Henri overhears the exchange and decides to break up with Lise.  He drives them back to the party and Jerry and Lise walk off together so presumably Lise can get married before she turns vingt ans.  I hate everything.  The end.

The musical numbers were barely enough motivation to get me through this film – I’m just completely turned off by a love triangle between a teenager, a singer who groomed a child, and a 30-something ex-GI.  I can’t wait to consume literally anything else with Gene Kelly in it, because this movie is gross.