Only a good woman can save a man from the dangers of gambling, or Peaky Blinders: The Musical.

Gonna to be honest, for as iconic as Guys and Dolls is, my only exposure to it up until now was Frank Sinatra’s buttery voice belting out “Luck Be a Lady”, and Robert’s desire to play Sky Masterson on Grace and Frankie.  When my friend Claire and I took a road trip this past October, we spent 9 hours in the car listening to showtunes like two totally normal people with great tastes in music.  That was the first time I had actually listened to this show and sonically fell in love with Adelaide.  Much like Leslie Ann Warren in Victor/Victoria and Ellen Greene in Little Shop of Horrors, if a blonde does a baby voice it’s absolutely over for me.

Seriously, stick a fork in me, I’m done.

Nathan Detroit (Frank Sinatra), New York City’s most infamous bookkeeper, is trying to arrange a saucy getaway with him and 20-30 of his greatest pals so they trade funds in a fun way.  Because some mouthy brunette has been carting a marching band all over town singing “gambling is evil”, the police have picked up their pursuit of any illegal gambling practices putting Nathan’s operation further underground.  The one place that will even consider housing Mr. Detroit’s shenanigans is asking for $1k up front to mitigate the risk of being caught, which of course Nathan doesn’t have.  Thankfully for him, notorious gambler Sky Masterson (Marlon Brando) is in town, and Nathan gets the bright idea to make Sky take a bet he can’t possibly win to earn the start-up cash.

When Nathan’s initial attempt to turn donuts into dollars fails (in the most literal sense), Mr. Detroit suddenly gets the same idea Paul Walker did in She’s All That – Make a bet that Sky can’t convince the ugly girl who hates everything go to a trip to Havana with him.  In 24 hours.  Dick-swinging Sky can’t back down from the ultimate test of his romantic prowess and takes the bet. Nathan starts congratulating himself prematurely because the woman he’s chosen as a victim to this particular scheme is Howl’s own Grandma Sophie Sarah Brown (Jean Simmons), the uptight broad whose puritan values has been sticking a wrench in his well-oiled money making machine.  Two birds, one stone.

Mr. Masterson is off to the races, immediately introducing his smarmy attractive face to Miss Brown at her place of employment.  Brother Sky says he wants Sarah to reform him, and she’s smart enough to know that he’s fucking with her.  Her colleagues are not as hip to his scheme, however, and go out of their way to try and snag a date for their sex-deprived leader.  His proposal to eat dinner with him in Cuba immediately rings sex trafficking bells all down the street, and she rebuffs his advances by slapping him one good.

High off his apparent genius, Nathan rides his good feelings to visit his perpetual fiancé Adelaide (Vivian Blaine) at her place of employment, the Hot Box.  Adelaide is as keen on Nathan’s gambling as Sarah Brown is, which causes Nathan to hide his extracurricular activities from her since since he’s seriously gun-shy about marrying her, stringing her along the last 14 fucking years.  Adelaide copes with this in a totally normal way, by sneezing incessantly and inventing an entirely different life with 5 children, writing fanfiction to send to her mother every few months about her and Nathan’s happy marriage. When she finds out from her co-worker that Nathan’s crap game is still happening that weekend, she kicks that deadbeat out and reevaluates wasting all her time on a dude who’s constantly back on his bullshit.

Seriously, how do you betray a woman in cat ears that asks you to pet her poppa, pet her good? Nathan, you’re a moron.

Nathan tries to justify his heartbreak to his fellas by stating the entire world is pussy-whipped, and Sky does his best to disprove this theory by blackmailing Sarah Brown into going to dinner with him for Nathan’s money. Once Sky discovers the mission will close without some gen-u-wine sinners at the next midnight meeting, he reiterates his offer to trade dinner in exchange for delivering a roomful of repentant men Sarah can save for Jesus. With her feet against the fire, she reluctantly agrees to his terms. Nathan is sickened to hear his plan for quick cash is foiled because he just agreed to marry Adelaide in front of a cop in order to cover up the reason all his “best buddies” were loitering in a diner waiting to hear the location for his crap game.

Sky takes Sarah to Cuba and gets her drunk on milkshakes, which sounds TERRIBLE to someone whose drink of choice used to be white russians and has since learned to treat their stomach better. After they get into a bar fight cause Sky can’t keep his hands to himself, Sarah comes on strong to him, and instead of fucking the shit out of her, Sky admits the reason he dragged her there. Sarah is completely unfazed by this, probably because she has enough rum in her system to kill a race horse, and they fly back to New York where they confess their insta-love to each other.

While Sky and Sarah are riding high off of dairy farts, Nathan gets the bright idea to um… repurpose the mission to host his gambling weekend/bachelor party.  This goes swimmingly until Sarah, Sky and the police find them, and they’re forced literally underground to continue their illegal activities. After breaking the news to Adelaide that Nathan isn’t going to marry her, again, Sky hunts down the scumbags to make good on his marker to Sarah. Two days on a gambling bender and these men are crawling in literal sewage to toss a few dollars on a dice game.

Sky makes the bet of a lifetime, 1k for each soul he needs to save repenting at the midnight meeting, on the outcome of one roll of the dice. We are then treated to Marlon Brando singing “Luck Be a Lady” and I feel cheated.

It’s not that I don’t like Marlon Brando – This movie was actually the first time I really experienced what I can assume is his charm. The only exposure I had to him before this was Don Juan DeMarco and Apocolypse Now, which I hate on principal because I was forced to read Heart of Darkness in high school. Sky Masterson is a real slimeball, but Marlon Brando’s expressive eyes make you forgive a laundry list of sins. But Marlon does the same shit that Rex Harrison does where he’s basically monologuing to a tune. And, y’know, Frank Sinatra is right there watching this whole thing go down.

I’m not saying Frank Sinatra should have been Sky Masterson, as I think his casting as Nathan Detroit was pretty spot-on. And without Marlon’s performance in Guys and Dolls Barbra Streisand might have never overcome her stage fright, so at least we got that out of whatever this is. On the other hand, it also sounds like he jerked Rita Moreno around for 8 years, so I’m not going to defend Marlon too much.

Sky ultimately is true to his word, funneling the entire sewer’s worth of rats into Sarah Brown’s School for Wayward Gamblers.

Y’all know how much I love Frankie, but Stubby Kaye delivers my favorite performance in the entire film with “Sit Down, You’re Rockin’ the Boat”. It comes out of nowhere and it’s executed perfectly – his voice is gorgeous and his facial expressions are so earnest they garner full belly laughs out of me. The way he picks up his hat so sheepishly and sits back down at the end of the song knocks me out every time.

Sarah is so turned on by Sky’s gesture she decides to marry him, and he presumably drags Nathan to the altar for Adelaide’s sake to make it a double wedding. While this is supposed to be read as redemption, I’m pretty sure Adelaide and Sarah are going to be in a world of hurt being chained to a couple of no-good gangsters for the rest of their lives. Adelaide, you deserved better.

Overall, I think Guys and Dolls is pretty entertaining and has some stellar performances from its featured cast. Vivian Blaine immediately grabbed my heart and I couldn’t help but feel for her every time Frank Sinatra let her down. But like, honestly, Sinatra plays embarrassment and guilt pretty well, and I hated myself every time I wanted her to forgive him.

Jean Simmons similarly does a great job at portraying Sarah, as she excellently tows the line between an ambitious religious zealot and a woman who wants to break free of the expectations placed on her and have a good time. While I didn’t exactly enjoy watching her profess her love to Marlon Brando, her performance of “If I Were a Bell” is the kind of infectious joy that gets stuck in your head.

And of course Stubby as Nicely-Nicely Johnson – GUYS SIT DOWN YOU’RE ROCKIN’ THE BOAT IS SO GOOD DON’T SKIP WATCHING IT.

Oh, and Marlon was fine, I guess, but I’m not super upset he didn’t pursue other musicals after this.

It took me until The Year of our Lord 2022 to realize that Gene Kelly and Frank Sinatra filmed SEVERAL movies together.  There’s Anchors Aweigh, On the Town AND Take Me Out to the Ball Game.  How?  HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!  While I was booting up On The Town and casually wondering who would pull my attention more, I discovered ANN FUCKING MILLER and VERA ELLEN were also in this film and I about died.  Just a bunch of super hot and super talented people all in one movie, like, sure, I’ll be fine.  EVERYTHING IS FINE.

On the Town, or as I like to call it Anchors Aweigh: NYC, is Gene Kelly and Stanley Donan’s directorial debut.  Gene claims it is one of his favorite pictures, and it hits a lot of the same beats as An American in Paris, which I think says more about Gene’s directing style than it does Stanley’s.  But the reason films from this dynamic duo succeed is because they are both choreographers and know how to frame dance numbers in order to showcase the talent of the performers.  Dancing is a priority and not an afterthought like in SOME OTHER MUSICALS.  This film is also regarded as the first musical to ever be shot on location, which Gene Kelly insisted upon to correctly get the look and feel of New York City.  You wouldn’t entirely realize this because of the awkward utilization of green screens in the majority of it, and also because it’s not true.

Gabey (Gene Kelly), Chip (Frank Sinatra), and Ozzie (Jules Munshin) are three sailors on 24-hour shore leave in New York City.  While Chip is interested in seeing the sights, Gabey and Ozzie have other things on their mind… mainly women and sleeping with one or seven or eight of them.

While on the subway to their next destination, Gabey falls in love with a picture of Miss Turnstiles, Ivy Smith (Vera Ellen), and makes a bunch of assumptions about her character based on only a photo which proves Gene Kelly has learned nothing about how accurate Henri’s description of Lise was in An American in Paris.

Gabey steals the poster for his collection, and then immediately runs into Ivy during an impromptu photo opportunity in which he reveals he’s pocketed her photo for alone-time festivities.  She responds appropriately with a trepidatious, “I’m terribly flattered you liked it well enough to take it with you,” before scurrying away from him as quickly as possible into the nearest subway car.

As the train pulls away, Gabey decides he must hunt Ivy down, and the only way to do that is to hail a cab to head her off at the next station.  They run into Brunhilde Esterhazy (Betty Garrett), a female cab driver, who instantly swoons the second she hears Frankie’s voice.  When Chip asks her why she’s driving a cab after all the men returned from war, she responds, “I never give up anything I like”, with obvious heart eyes and so much syrup in her voice that I think I fell in love with her at that moment.  She agrees to help them on their quest to find Miss Turnstyles only if Chip keeps close to her, and immediately propositions him for sex, which like, yep, I like a girl who knows what she wants.

After missing Ivy at the next station, the boys decide to follow the clues on the Miss Turnstyle’s poster that lists Ivy’s interests and schedule, I guess?  Their first stop is The Museum of Anthropological History, where anthropology student Claire Huddesen (Ann Miller) happens to run into Ozzie, who resembles a textbook caveman so closely she immediately decides to jump his bones.

If I were Jules Munshin, and the props department told me I wasn’t allowed to take this statue home with me, I would riot.

What follows is an interesting musical number that features thirsty AF Ann Miller and all kinds of problematic choreography and costume choices.  I’m not going to defend this, but if you can overlook how fucking cringe it is, it features a tap solo that only proves how fucking dynamic Ann Miller is with, as she says, the world’s most expensive chorus behind her.  The group gets so frothy by her exhibition of sexual prowess that Ozzie knocks over a dinosaur and they’re all forced to flee the building to avoid being arrested.

With the addition of Claire to their party, Hilde pulls a Fred Jones and suggests everyone split up, against the advice of every D&D DM.  She rationalizes this will increase the odds of finding Ivy because they will be searching more places at the same time.  Claire and Ozzie agree because they want to go back to her place to “check the social register”, and Gabey reluctantly accepts that he may be on his own in his quest to get his dick wet.

Immediately, once the two of them are alone, Hilde attempts to put the moves on Chip, and he rebuffs her advances until they’re up in her apartment, cock blocked by her sick roommate Lucy Shmeeler.  When Hilde makes a thinly veiled threat on Lucy’s life, Lucy bolts and Chip ultimately succumbs to Hilde’s charms.

Meanwhile, Gabey miraculously discovers Ivy at her dance school, which is a weird thing to list on a public poster in the off chance that some sex-starved sailor wants to stalk you.  She lies and confirms his assumptions she’s a famous, native New Yorker, which only sets him soaring when she agrees to meet him for a date later that evening.

When the gang reunites on the top of an Empire State Building so unencumbered it allows people to throw guide books and bodies off the side of it, they realize the cops are still trailing them because of their bone-related vandalism and theft of a taxi cab Hilde never returned to the garage.  After tricking the oblivious officers, the pairs are overcome with the endless possibilities the night holds for them.

Frank Sinatra could murder me and I’d thank him.  His voice remains to be one of the best things I’ve ever heard, and no amount of Bubles or Uries will ever compare to it.  I will concede, however, that he does not dance as well as he sings.  This is, of course, in contrast to Ann Miller, Gene Kelly and Vera Ellen, and it’s completely unfair to put anybody on the same stage as these giants and assume they’d stand out.  Frank can hold his own (he did, after all, have Gene Kelly as his teacher), but he never looks comfortable with it.

Sidenote: I find it fairly hilarious that in On the Town and Anchors Aweigh they cast Francis Sinatra as a woman-oblivious cinnamon roll.  This dude fucked more broads than prolly the entire cast and crew combined, god bless him.

ANYWAY, the gang goes bar hopping, and Hilde and Claire decide to bribe the waiters in each club to treat Ivy as a celebrity in order to keep up the charade for Gabey (which is pretty sweet, honestly).  Come 11:30pm, however, Ivy bolts like Cinderella to her night gig as a cabaret dancer, lest her dance instructor write her parents in Bumfuck, Indiana and inform them she’s been slumming.  Gabey takes it as well as expected for a sailor who has only known a girl for a handful of hours and throws himself a pity party to end all pity parties.  Hilde feels so bad she offers up her eccentric roommate Lucy, which everyone seems to hate for some reason?  When he ditches her to drink his woes away at the bar, everyone attempts to cheer him up, including Lucy, because she’s an angel who is a streetcar named impulsive.

Gabey, after realizing how bad of a sport he’s been, walks Lucy home and apologizes for being a judgmental dick.  He then hallucinates an entire ballet that sums up the entire movie so far, as Gene Kelly is wont to do.  

When Gabey’s friends finally find him blissed out, they return him to the bar to truly drown him.  BUT WAIT, Ivy’s dance teacher is randomly there and reveals Ivy’s less-than-socialite status.  Mme points Gabey in the direction of Ivy’s peep show and a car chase between Hilde and the cops ensues as they rush to Ivy’s place of employment.  Although the group evades the police temporarily, everyone is eventually arrested for being a general nuisance and the boys are shipped back to the boat.

Claire and Hilde save the moment with a Droz-style monologue, and the cops are so moved by the girls’ display of emotion that they decide not to pursue charges against our group of delinquents.  Additionally, they transport the girls up to the ship in order to say goodbye to their men before they leave.  As Gabey, Chip and Ozzie return to serving their country, the next group of horny soldiers depart to cause havoc on the city that never sleeps.  The end.

And if you’re curious out of Frankie and Gene who ultimately pulled my attention, it was the inventor of pantyhose herself, Ann Miller, who I couldn’t take my eyes off of.  NOBODY can compete with her.