Never fall in love with a woman who sells herself, it always ends bad.

I grew up in the 1990s, where movie musicals were primarily animated, or bizarrely starred Madonna.  To my peers, they were something old people made or were targeted toward children, and were supremely uncool.  When I started to listen to Casey Kasem in like 4th or 5th grade, I think my friends were relieved that I had a frame of reference for literally anything outside of what Julie Andrews recorded.  So imagine my surprise when Baz Luhrmann’s masterpiece Moulin Rouge was released when I was a baby high schooler and all my friends loved it.  It was basically tailor made for hetero teenage girls; A hunky, cheesy guy earnestly falls in love for the first time with a beautiful, tragic prostitute that he wants to save from a scary man who is trying to force her to be something she no longer wants to be.  Their forbidden romance meets a tragic end, and he mourns her forever.  Add some songs, dances, and costumes, and you’ve got a certified hit on your hands.  I was not too cool to resist the lure – I leaned in, and I leaned in hard.

Take a peek of v4 of my geocities/angelfire website that I absolutely had to create to show off my super awesome paint shop pro skillz.  No, I don’t remember what versions 1-3 looked like, since I didn’t horde those images for 20 years on my computer hard drive.

I should have realized back then that Kylie Minogue being my favorite part of the movie was an early indication that I was queer.

I used the good will from this movie to make my friend watch all 3 goddamn hours of My Fair Lady.  Chicago came out the year after this movie was released, and almost all of my friends saw it in theaters, sometimes multiple times.  The success of these two movies revitalized the movie musical genre, and now we see about one or two major releases a year.  In the decade following, we got adaptations to The Phantom of the Opera, The Producers, Rent, Dreamgirls, Sweeney Todd, Mama Mia!, and Nine.  Of course we’ve also seen an insane influx of live action remake/jukebox musical/biopics, so it’s not all sunshine and roses… but whatever.  In the Heights was pretty good, maybe we’re bringing it back.

Anyway, right, Moulin Rouge is a beautiful mess of a film, but I still love it all these years later.  Although it does have some nods to French Cancan, like the inclusion of “La Complainte de la Butte” and a character named Nini, the story is basically like “what if Lola hated Walter and was banging Danglard behind his back instead of in front of it”.  One of the early drafts of this script was set at Studio 54 in the 1970s, so looking for parallels between the two movies is somewhat fruitless, as it doesn’t seem as if it was ever intended to be a flashy retelling of the original story.

Picture it: France, at the turn of the 20th century.  Christian, an attractive young man who has grown up in a very repressed household, decides to become a writer, to the chagrin of his father.  He moves to Montmartre, and through a comedy of errors, meets artist Toulouse-Lautrec (who would have been Andy Warhol if this were set in the 1970s), and several other bohemians as they’re workshopping an up-and-coming musical set to debut at the Moulin Rouge if they play their cards right.  Christian spits out a few innocuous lines about hills or whatever, and the Bohemians are so impressed by his Christian’s lyrical prowess that they ask him to write the most spectacular show about the Bohemian ideals of Truth, Beauty, Freedom, and Love.  Even though Christian feels ill-equip to write about these things since he has never been in love, after a few glasses of absinthe he agrees to wander over to the Moulin Rouge and try and sell his vision to Satine, the club’s most popular courtesan.  If they can convince her of its social merit, she can convince Zidler, the Moulin Rouge’s owner, of its monetary one.

The Moulin Rouge is a candy colored paradise that provides a home for all means of drug fueled debauchery, which we’re meant to surmise through seven thousand jump cuts.  After the audience has been whipped into a frenzy, we get a first glimpse at Zidler’s “Sparkling Diamond”.

Sidenote: My high school French teacher would be disappointed in me if I didn’t mention “voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?” literally means “do you want to sleep with me tonight?” in a completely non-boning context.  Even back in 2001 when this song was released with Mya, Pink, Lil’ Kim and Christina, it was a *bizarre* collaboration.  Mya was the most well-suited for this, as her songs and movie soundtracks go together like peas and carrots.  Lipschitz!  Alternatively, P!nk, up until that point, was driving motorcycles off of buildings and boxing in her music videos, so to see her rolling around on a bed wearing a wig and a corset felt super off-brand.  Of course, Christina rode this aesthetic right into Burlesque, for better or worse…  But this did start a series of collaborations between her and Lil’ Kim, which I won’t argue against, because Lil’ Kim is perfect.

Nicole Kidman is absolutely brilliant in this movie.  She did all her own stunts, and earned cracked ribs that she had to shove into corsets in return, only for the director to shrug his shoulders and tell her that glamour isn’t easy :sigh:

Moulin Rouge is probably the only jukebox musical I love, since it walks the line between annoyingly on-point song choices and inspired ones pretty well.  I like this interpretation of “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend” and appreciated the Madonna shout-out to “Material Girl”.  While the song is played completely straight in contrast to the original’s tongue-in-cheek retort to an overly suspicious fiancé, I like how its meaning morphs as the story progresses.  Also, this movie is the reason why I checked out Gentlemen Prefer Blondes in the first place, so thank you, Moulin Rouge, for inadvertently introducing me to the majesty of Jane Russell.

Christian is immediately enamored with Satine, and she indulges his fantasy.  Through another comedy of errors, she incorrectly believes Christian is the Duke she must seduce in order to secure the funding for the Moulin Rouge’s renovations.  She takes Christian to her boudoir in the middle of a fucking elephant to convince him to invest, and instead he wins her over with his “huge talent”.

“And this one’s for you…” was the moment that me and millions of other people fell in love with Ewan McGregor.  Second runner up is, “Don’t… leave me this way,” in the “Elephant Love Song Medley”.

Unfortunately, at the end of this exchange, Satine finds out that Christian is not a Duke with pockets full of money, but instead is a penniless writer her drunk artist friend wanted to introduce her to.  The real Duke had been waiting outside the door to get his peen in, and Satine has to cover for Christian’s presence by spontaneously pitching the new show to The Duke to distract him.  It’s about a forbidden love between a courtesan and a penniless sitar player who have to conduct their relationship in secret under the nose of a tyrant Maharajah, as he is betrothed to the courtesan.  This shares absolutely no parallels to Christian and Satine’s current reality, and is definitely not a self-fulfilling prophecy.

This is the best use of a public domain orchestral piece from the 1800s.  It goes off the rails so quickly, I can’t help but giggle.

After The Duke falls for their ruse, Christian visits Satine to ask if the doe eyes she was flashing at him before was an act, or if maybe, possibly, she might happen to have caught feelings for him as well.  She initially denies it, attempting to explain to Christian that her job prevents her from forming recreational attachments.  Christian and Satine perform a motherfuking Riff-Off, and Satine eventually kisses Christian because he’s charming as fuck and Dolly Parton encourages us all to live like optimists.

Sidenote: Nicole’s makeup in this movie makes my eye twitch.  Why are her eyebrows drawn all the way to her hairline, and why is her lipstick feathered constantly?!

While the Moulin Rouge is under construction and the show is being written,  Satine and Christian conduct their relationship in secret, as The Duke would flip his shit and pull his funding from the Moulin Rouge if he found out the head writer was diddling the woman contractually bound to him.  Zidler discovers their affair almost immediately and asks Satine to end it.  He also requests she placate The Duke’s insecurities by dining with him, but she doesn’t do either because she’s busy suffering from an unknown illness that makes her faint sometimes, but somehow miraculously never appears while she’s singing during rehearsals, or when she’s spending all this time with Christian.

Christian starts to get jealous of Satine’s job, of which he knew the conditions of when he entered into the relationship because: 

1. He was in the room when she told The Duke she’d sleep with him on opening night.
2. Satine literally told him she’s a sex worker and would have to sleep with The Duke on opening night.
3. He works at her place of employment, and knows that if The Duke finds out Satine is having an affair with him, it puts the entire future of the show at stake.

When Satine mentions that Christian is going to get his heart broken, he doubles down and writes a secret song for the courtesan and the “sitar player” to sing to each other.  It’s a symbol that no matter what forces try to pull them apart, they will always love each other.

I’ve been conditioned to cry every time I hear “Come What May”.  The fact it was disqualified from Best Original Song because of a technicality is just the most bullshit thing ever.  “If I Didn’t Have You” from Monsters, Inc. won, which I had to look up because I had no recollection of what it sounded like, and I’ve *seen* Monsters, Inc. SEVERAL TIMES.  “May It Be” even lost to that fucking song, which like, howwwwww.  The Academy are such fucking hacks.

ANYWAY, the comfort of this song is short lived as The Duke finds out about Satine’s affair the night before the show is set to open, and asks them to change the ending so the courtesan ends up with the Maharajah.  Satine, now actually *feeling* the entire weight of the show on her shoulders, tries to smooth things over with The Duke by dining and sleeping with him, which Christian tries to guilt Satine out of doing.  She sings “Come What May” at Christian and heads up to the Gothic Tower to let The Duke have his way with her while the entire cast waits to see if Satine’s milkshake is good enough to change the ending.  

Sidenote: Richard Roxburgh’s performance as The Duke is fucking hilarious.  The hand motion he does when he says “the Maharajah” kills me every single time.

The “Roxanne” tango may be my favorite performance of the movie.  The strings in this are fucking fire.

Our attitudes about sex work as a culture have evolved since this song was written and this movie was made.  It’s a bad look to moralize someone’s profession like this, and Christian guilting Satine for doing her job does not make him a very supportive partner.  Of course of course of course the second Satine said no to The Duke he should have backed off, as being a prostitute does not mean she doesn’t need to consent.  But it’s always the tiny repressed men that think putting in kindness tokens will output sex that are the most dangerous when they don’t get their way, and The Duke attacks Satine because he’s a fucking monster.  Satine gets away, however, and tells Christian she couldn’t pretend she doesn’t love him.  The two of them decide to run away together because Christian “doesn’t care about the show” WHICH IS THE MOST OBVIOUS THING IN THE FUCKING WORLD.  The show is Satine’s vehicle to becoming a legitimate actress, and Christian should be taking cues from her about its importance, not the other way around bleh bleh bleh

Right, so, Satine goes back to the Moulin Rouge to collect her things and leave, fucking over Zidler and all of her friends and coworkers.  When Zidler tells her that The Duke is going to kill Christian, she retorts that Zidler made her feel like she was only worth what someone would pay for her and just like… biiiiiitch.

First off, Zidler is remodeling the entire Moulin Rouge so Satine can be an actress.  He let her drunk Bohemian friends write the show she’s starring in.  He also let her conduct this affair with Christian even though he didn’t approve, and only is getting involved now because it’s fucking with his business.  The only thing I will concede was SUPER SHITTY was him hiding the severity of Satine’s illness from her in order for the show to move forward.  But, Satine suddenly acting this way toward Zidler is so out-of-character because not once before this did she ever mention that her position at the Moulin Rouge was because Zidler has been coercing her to sleep with people for money.  It seemed like she had complete agency.  She set the boundaries of holding off on sleeping with The Duke, and everyone agreed to it.  Yes, Zidler is her boss, but the power imbalance was never explored until this line delivered 30 minutes before the end of the movie.

Anyway, Zidler tells Satine she’s dying, so there’s no point for her to run away.  She ends things with Christian by telling him The Duke is going to give her the life she’s always wanted, hoping that he’ll leave and be spared The Duke’s wrath.  The show opens even though Satine is barely getting through the numbers, and Christian, instead of riding off into the sunset, decides to come and berate Satine for breaking up with him even though she’s like 20 minutes from death.  He pays her, thanks her for curing him of his ridiculous obsession with love, and right before he walks out of the door and is safe from The Duke and his scary henchmen, Satine sings their secret song on stage and pulls Christian back into the drama.  We then get to enjoy this very heartwarming reconciliation between our two romantic leads awkwardly cut together with several unwanted clips of The Duke looking pissed off and trying to unsuccessfully shoot Christian.  It’s like when Madonna and Britney kissed at the VMAs and the camera immediately cut to Justin Timberlake, as if we gave a shit what his stupid ass thought about it.

I do love the ending musical number of this movie.  Having The Bohemians join everyone on stage screaming Freedom, Beauty, Truth* and Love makes me tear up.  Of course, this happiness is very short lived, as Satine gains her freedom by succumbing to her mysterious illness immediately after the show ends, breaking Christian’s heart forever.

*Truth, apparently, doesn’t apply to divulging mysterious illnesses.

We flash forward to present-day Christian, who is depressed but not depressed enough to forgo grooming his beard.  He finishes writing him and Satine’s tragic love story, because Baz Luhrmann can’t have both the protagonists be alive at the end of his movies.  The end.

Let’s play a game called “Rewrite Moulin Rouge to Change How Satine Dies”.  I hate that a mysterious illness is what kills her, like the hand of God reached down and plucked her out of the story at the perfect time instead of having her actions contribute to her ultimate demise.  I imagine it should go like this:

• Nini is Satine’s understudy, and instead of being bitchy for no reason, she has a vested interest in cutting down Satine because Nini’s jealous she’s Zidler’s favorite to play the lead in the new musical.
• Christian and Satine fall in love, despite her having to entertain the Duke to fund the theater renovation.
• Zidler finds out Satine is screwing around behind the Duke’s back and reminds her that the financial security of her, Zidler, the Moulin Rouge and all of its employees hinge on her squeezing more money out of the Duke.  He asks her to dine with the Duke to smooth things over.
• Satine ignores these warnings because she’s *in love* and instead spends the night with Christian writing “Come What May”, because eventually she’ll have to sleep with the Duke.
• Nini, like everyone else, finds out that Satine is banging Christian, and reveals it to The Duke for the chance of taking over her role.
• When the Duke wants to change the ending of the show, Satine decides to finally dine with him, and that turns out… poorly.
• After The Duke attacks Satine, Nini finds her and convinces Satine that Zidler does not have her best interests at heart, otherwise he wouldn’t have put her in such a dangerous position, or put the entire future of the business on her shoulders.
• Satine decides to run away with Christian to get away from The Duke and Zidler.
• Zidler confronts Satine and tries to appeal to the financial stability of all her her friends, again, which falls on deaf ears because of the groundwork Nini laid, “You made me believe I was only worth what someone would pay for me!”  When that doesn’t work, Zidler tells Satine that The Duke will have Christian killed if they run away.  Although Satine is not free at the Moulin Rouge, she will forever be hunted by The Duke and his bodyguard if they run away, and both of them would have to live in hiding.
• Satine decides to break it off with Christian, as she doesn’t want him to risk his life for her.
• Christian confronts Satine at the show and she reacts coldly to him.  He berates her on stage and starts to leave the building.
• Satine decides to sing “Come What May” and perform the happy ending on stage.
• As the curtain closes, The Duke aims to shoot Christian, but Satine blocks the bullet with her body.  She condemned Christian to death by calling him back on the stage, and now she’s paying for that decision with her life.
  • The Duke could also just aim to shoot Satine, because, let’s face it, he 100% would be the type of person to say “If I can’t have you no one will!”
• As Santine bleeds out on the stage of the Moulin Rouge, she actually, you know, dies for love.

I’m biased, but I feel like this works a lot better than randomly coughing up blood as a plot point.  Baz, make it happen.  Also, if you could include the Gothic Tower Dominatrix performance of Grace Jones’ “Slave to the Rhythm”, please do that as well.  xoxo kthxbai.

Go watch Moulin Rouge, you rubes, it still holds up.

I’m burning through my Disney+ subscription, and instead of this forever cursing my drafts section until I work my way through the other lower movies on this list, you’re getting this one now.

Beauty and the Beast was my favorite Disney movie as a child.  Belle was smart, she read a lot, and she was a bit of an outcast, which were my only identifiers as a wee lass (other than being obnoxious and constantly having tangled hair).  I’m going to bet that this movie is the reason so many girls my age went through a Paris phase in their tween years.  I did take 3 years of high school French that I have almost no memory of.  

• Whatever they did to Emma Watson’s voice made her sound like a robot.
• Almost all the CGI, especially the Beast, was completely unsettling.  The wardrobe was the worst of it, holy shit.
• They went out of their way to explain plot holes like “Why don’t the villagers remember the castle?” or “Why is it snowing when it looks like the middle of summer in the village?” or “How did Belle get the Beast up on that horse?” when none of that really matters to the overall narrative.
• The reaction to Belle teaching a little girl how to read was unbelievably eye-roll inducing.  Lindsay Ellis’ video on this is so fucking good, watch it now – You don’t have to read the rest of my ramblings if you do. #beastforshe
• Ariana Grande slurring her way through “Beauty and the Beast”.
• It was nice to see Maurice updated from a manic inventor to a level-headed, sweet, competent, reserved man who treats his daughter like an equal.  Clock-maker Maurice that actually takes care of Belle reads better to me, and I like how they had him wander into the garden to get a rose for her – it’s a nice callback to the original story.  The problem with doing this, however, is it negates the “crazy old Maurice” narrative that plays heavily into why the villagers don’t believe his tale of the Beast in the first place.  If Kevin Kline, a put-together man (up until this point), wandered into the tavern looking disheveled and conveying a story about his daughter being kidnapped, I’d be like, “Shit, Maurice, what did you see?!”.  But instead, the story goes out of its way to put him at the mercy of Gaston, and shoehorn in an attempted murder plot to really turn everyone against him – it’s bizarre.

• Gaston went from being a well-liked, athletically inclined dude to a literal predator and murderer.  Belle was a beautiful status symbol in the original movie, but she becomes literal game to Gaston in the remake, as he refers to her as prey, or something to be hunted.  When Maurice gets in-between him and Belle, Gaston punches him in the face and leaves him out in the forest to be eaten by wolves?!  What does this add to the story?!  Gaston wasn’t right for Belle because he wasn’t kind and didn’t intellectually stimulate her, but that nuance is wasted on the remake, turning him into a full-blown vengeful villain that will literally kill Belle’s family to get what he wants.
• The first time Belle is brought to her room, there is this long panning shot showing off how nice it is, and she comments, in wonder, how she thinks its beautiful.  They had the fucking nerve to play “Home” in the background of this scene, completely ignoring the original context of the song is sadness and despair.  But go off, I guess…