A horny adult man makes the moves on some teenagers before joining the army, but make it wholesome.

My first experience with Bye Bye Birdie the musical was when my local high school did a production of it when I was a kid.  I had very little interest in the show before seeing it, as my opinion of Elvis’s Christmas album was very low, and I knew Birdie was supposed to be based on him.  I only vaguely recollect that one of the girls pretended to smoke and an old lady who sat behind me gasped and exclaimed, “Oh my god, is she smoking?!” like she thought some drama teacher would let their student light up on stage.  Other than that, completely forgettable, not something I was into.

Years went by, and during my Mad Men obsession I watched the episode completely centered around the Sterling Cooper Advertising Agency’s attempt to recreate this iconic opening number to sell diet soda to women.  It was, unknowingly at the time, my second exposure to Ann-Margret (my first surprisingly being the 10th Kingdom miniseries my friends and I would marathon every once and a while because Scott Cohen is adorable), and I was absolutely fascinated by her.  I’ve always wanted to check out the movie based on Ann-Margret and Ann-Margret alone, and man, did she deliver.

This woman was made for the camera.  When she sings, “Guess I’ll always care,” I felt my heart skip a beat.  You just can’t replicate this, as Roger Sterling astutely stated when their client disliked the commercial, that the girl they cast is “Not Ann-Margret”.

This musical was inspired by the real-world reaction to Elvis Presley being drafted into the United States military.  News travels fast that Conrad will be joining up ranks, to the despair of all teenage girls across the country, and one man named Albert (played by Dick Van Dyke after originating this role on Broadway) who wrote him a song for Birdie’s next motion picture he’s now not going to film.  Since this is the first song he’s sold in 6 years, Albert takes this as a sign to give up the profession his mother wanted him to pursue and become a biochemist, since, you know, he got the degree and all.

Today I learned a yardbird is a military recruit, and not a band or a kitchy lawn ornament my grandfather had when I was a kid.

Albert’s secretary/long-time fiancé Rosie (played by Janet Leigh), who relies on the song’s success as her ticket to get Albert to finally marry her against his mother’s wishes, cooks up a scheme with Ed Sullivan to have Birdie perform one of Albert’s songs called “The Last Kiss” on Ed’s show before Birdie ships out.  She’ll get some random teenage Birdie fan from Ohio to appear on stage so Birdie can kiss her, and thus every other teenager symbolically, goodbye.  Rosie hopes that people will like the song and buy it as it will be Birdie’s last release for a while.  Ed agrees to the concept, and Rosie heads to the local Conrad Birdie Fan Club to change some heart-eyed girl’s future.  It’s wild to think there once was a time where someone could pick up a phone and ask a person on the other end to connect them to a child whose name some fan club chapter leader let you snag out of a file cabinet at random.

Kim McAfee, who is not the founder of the shitty antivirus software that somehow consumes all your computer’s resources in order to try and protect it, is that lucky teenage girl that Rosie picked for a grown-ass man to violate on national television in front of millions of people.  She’s more preoccupied by her recent “pinning” by a boy at her school named Hugo (played by Bobby Rydell of Grease’s Rydell High fame and nothing else).  Kim dreamingly regales the tale to her overly-enthusiastic friend Ursula over the phone, who then spreads this new information like wildfire.  I’m super curious how often this “pinning” thing happened in real life, since it seems like a weird gesture I’ve only witnessed in movies.  I’d ask my parents about it, but they were fresh out the womb when this movie was supposed to take place, and my grandparents are all dead, so I’m going to assume it’s a thing someone did one time and now every other piece of media uses it as shorthand for deciding to get awkwardly groped in the back of a car as opposed to a physical object a guy gives to a girl to wear on her blouse.

Today I learned that “What’s the Story, Morning Glory?” was a thing people said, and not an Oasis album.

When Rosie reveals her plan to Albert, he reacts well until Rosie suggests he use this good news as an opportunity to tell his mother they’re getting married.  When his mother shows up to the office he immediately breaks this promise as she is a walking, talking guilt machine.  Rosie proceeds to try and contact Kim anyway, despite her future with a JustNoMIL.  Kim is still goo-goo for Hugo, as she believes getting felt-up for 5 seconds by her high school sweetheart makes her a woman now or something.

I hate this song so much because Ann-Margret puts on her socks with the heels on the side of her legs and that has to be uncomfortable.

When Kim finds out Birdie is coming to Sweet Apple, OH to lock lips with her, she devolves into a screaming mess.  Hugo is upset that his new steady is going to be kissing an old, famous stranger, but she gaslights him into accepting it because the event will be good for the economy or some shit.  The entire gang gathers in one of the worst states in the country for Birdie’s arrival, and everyone predictably loses their shit for the knock-off Elvis.

This guy does absolutely nothing for me, and I’m like kind of annoyed that Ann-Margret thinks he’s the bees knees.

The next 30 minutes of this movie suffer from “we couldn’t figure out how else to include these songs so we had them all happen in the house so we wouldn’t have to build more sets” syndrome.  The commercial I watched on Plex about Sam Adam’s Summer Ale with your cousin from Boston produced more laughs out of me in 15 seconds than literally everything from this slog of the middle of the movie.  Kim’s parents are now hesitant to allow Kim to kiss Birdie because the men are all upset at the effect Birdie’s had on their wives, until Albert and Rosie offer them a spot on the Ed Sullivan show to promote Dad’s fertilizer business.  Hugo is similarly concerned about being cucked on the small screen, but Ann-Margret uses her Ann-Margret powers and persuades him, yet again, to cool his jets.  Rosie is still upset that Albert is letting his mother hold their relationship hostage, and he penguin waddles in an attempt to earn her forgiveness.  When Albert tries to tell his mother his plans for the future, she reacts in a completely reasonable way by attempting suicide.

The next day, during rehearsal, all hell breaks loose and destroys the group’s best laid plans.  After Birdie plants a practice kiss on Kim and she faints, Hugo breaks up with her on the spot.  Albert finds out that the Russian Ballet that is performing on the show is going to take an extra 4 minutes, so the song, the kiss, and everyone’s speeches are going to be cut, only allowing 30 seconds for a small wave from Conrad.  Bye Bye 2 million records sold, a wedding, and a booming fertilizer business.

Birdie is unfazed by this news and hits up a local club to flirt with a group of high school students.  Kim, now recently single, tries some college boys on for size, which sends Hugo into a complete frenzy.  He storms off leaving Kim alone without her beau or her Birdie.

God, I love how Ann-Margret dances; she was tailor-made for the 1960s.  Also, the way this number tried to replicate the dance at the gym from West Side Story is hilarious.

Heartbroken and disappointed, Rosie heads to the only other club in Sweet Apple that serves liquor.  Albert runs into her there, along with his mother, who has somehow snagged a date?  Rosie spots Albert, and in a truly bizarre scene tries to get an entire group of Shriners to violate her to make Albert jealous???  He comes to her rescue, and she swoons at his display of possession.  They decide to elope after the Ed Sullivan show so Rosie can finally lose her bloom.

Y’know, I was kind of curious why Rosie was styled like Anita from West Side Story, until I found out that Chita Rivera originated this role on Broadway.  This would *also* explain why “Spanish Rose” was in the Broadway show but cut from the movie.  In the musical, Albert’s mom didn’t like Rosie because she was Hispanic, and I don’t know if they omitted this because of the casting of Janet or because they decided to avoid the subject all together by not casting Chita.  Chita apparently doesn’t like the movie adaptation of the show, either, and like, I can’t really blame her there.  They cast someone else in her role that couldn’t dance, and the studio had the nerve to ask if they could film Chita performing so Janet could use the tape to rehearse from.  Hollywood is ruthless.

Albert, after unsuccessfully trying to convince the ballet to change their song back to something shorter, instead decides to use his biochemistry degree to cook speed and drug the conductor.  When it finally kicks in, the orchestra has no choice but to follow along to the maestro’s new tempo, to the absolute frustration of the dancers on stage.  I found it odd that they sped up the footage of the ballet instead of trying to get the dancers to struggle with the faster music, but whatever… maybe it was too dangerous to get them to rush with the all the lifts, who knows.

Anyway, Birdie gets to sing the song, and instead of kissing Kim, he gets a punch in the face by a teenage Hugo.  Although the night was a disaster, Albert tells his mother he’s marrying Rosie anyway, and his mother surprisingly doesn’t care because she got hitched to the dude she met in the bar the night before.  Everyone lives happily ever after, except Conrad, since he’s still going into the army after all.  The end.

I don’t have the best memory, but when I watched this movie I was like, “hmmm… this feels… off”.  TURNS OUT it’s because they changed a lot of the plot?  In the musical, Rosie convinces Hugo to sabotage the broadcast by punching Birdie because she was mad at Albert, and afterward Birdie and Kim run away together.  Birdie is later arrested for trying to hook up with an underage kid (which is kind of hilarious considering Elvis’ real-life relationship with a teenager while he was deployed), and Albert has to bail him out and disguise him as an old woman to get him out of town.  Also, there’s no Russian ballet, biochemistry degree, or drugging the composer.  Albert simply decides to be an English teacher, marries Rosie, and moves to Pumpkin Falls, Iowa.

Paul Lynde, who originated the role of the dad on Broadway and is doing The Most in this movie, had some harsh words for the remake as well, insinuating the changes were made to shift the focus to Ann-Margret as opposed to the rest of the cast.  The opening and closing number “Bye Bye Birdie” was written for the film and payed for out of the director’s pocket, which kind of proves Paul’s point.  Similarly to the Hairspray musical movie adaptation, this film lost its teeth, and is mostly a sugary-sweet ode to teenage frenzy and how to protect your virginity At All Costs.  That said, I didn’t like the stage show when I saw it a billion years ago, either.  But I liked it better than whatever this is.  Let’s thank the movie for launching the careers of Dick Van Dyke and Ann-Margret and instead watch Bye Bye Greasy anytime we get an itch for a 1950s musical about a cool guy in a leather jacket.

Mary Poppins Returns is a sequel that’s just a remake in a thinly veiled disguise.

I’ll give Disney just the tiniest, itty bittyiest bit of credit, because they could have straight up remade Mary Poppins. Instead, they actually put in the effort to create a new story and write all new songs, even if it follows the format identically and kind of retcons the message of the original movie.

A small tangent before we begin: My mother would always give some snide comment when we watched Disney movies that killed off the mother, because she felt personally slighted that Disney was perpetuating the idea (consciously or unconsciously) that mothers were not important. God forbid you were a step mother, because then you were truly the scum of the earth. As a writer, killing off one or both parents is an easy thing to do to remove any barriers that would prevent the children in your stories from having big adventures. Either mom’s dead because dad “wouldn’t care” if he didn’t know where his children were, both parents are dead and the kid is being watched by some family member that feels burdened by their existence, or the kid is sent off to a boarding school somewhere and can semi-easily sneak away from any authority figures. I feel like it’s sort of uncommon for a story targeted toward children to emotionally process the loss of that parent(s). For all the catty things I’m about to say about this movie being a drop-and-place replacement for the original, I do think Mary Poppins Returns did a fairly good job at illustrating healthy coping mechanisms.

Michael and Jane Banks are a few decades older, with Michael residing in their old family home with his three young children. Earlier that year, Michael’s wife passed away, and he is clearly grieving the loss of her while simultaneously assuming all the household duties. Michael is a teller at the bank his father worked for, and after experiencing some issues with making ends meet, he took out a loan that he had forgotten to send a few payments for. The bank reacted to this in a proportionate way by requesting Michael now pay off the entirety of the loan by the end of the week, otherwise he loses the house. Jane remembers her father, a typically meticulously organized and regimented person, rat-holed away some bank shares that Michael could use to pay off the loan, but neither her nor Michael know where they’re hidden inside the house.

The two older children, noticing that their father is struggling, have assumed roles no children should take on, like calling plumbers and strategizing purchasing groceries with the small amount of money their father gives them. Cue Mary Poppins.

The youngest and most unruly child deviates from their mission for food to fly Jane and Michael’s old kite he found in the attic while looking for bank shares. The wind takes it away, and when it is reeled in, it’s carrying more than any of the children expected.

When Mary Poppins returns to the Banks household, Jane and Michael remember her instantly. Having just been told that in his house will be foreclosed on unless he coughs up an insane amount of money, Michael is unwilling to hire her. Jane counters with the But it’s Mary Poppins defense, and he caves.

Mary immediately insists on the children taking their medicine taking a bath, and magical hijinks ensue.

Everyone got all salty about Bedknobs and Broomsticks being too close to Mary Poppins (even though it’s not), but here we are almost 50 years later dabbling in the charming wonder of “Beautiful Briny Sea”, because every good movie needs an underwater level.

But this only brings momentary respite from their current predicament, as their father still doesn’t have the money to save the house. The kids brainstorm ideas to get cash fast, and one of them suggests pawning a bowl in their nursery that used to be their mother’s. The other two children are not convinced on this plan, however, and a fight breaks out, where they inadvertently drop and crack the bowl. Mary Poppins notices the painting on the bowl is damaged and decides to jump into the chalk painting jump into the bowl to fix it. They repair a broken carriage by tying a scarf around it and then detour to a Royal Music Hall so Mary Poppins can perform this delightful number to promote literacy, um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!

I acknowledge that Lin Manuel Miranda is a delightful person and a talented composer, but… dude is not a very strong singer. He excels at his whiney rap shtick, which is his aesthetic, and good for him, because he’s made bank on it! I personally can’t get over the corniness of Hamilton because it reminds me of the scene in 10 Things I Hate About You where the lit teacher starts rapping Shakespeare to appeal to The Youths. But, LMM is kind of perfect for Disney movies because he’s “edgy” in a completely non-offensive way. His accent is about as believable as Dick Van Dyke’s, but he gives his “I’m just an man enamored by everything” smile and I kinda shrug like, whatever, I guess we’re doing this.

Anyway, some weird thing happens with a cartoon wolf trying to steal Georgie’s stuffed giraffe, and the children wake up in their beds from a nightmare. When Mary Poppins comforts them, the children finally admit they miss their mother. She sings them her version of “In the Sweet By and By”, using a metaphor about losing toys to teach them that although things aren’t in your life forever, the memories you have will never go away.

For whatever reason, even though I’m like the least maternal person on the planet, sad children will 100% make me cry. I literally cannot watch Pan’s Labyrinth, Changeling, or Grave of the Fireflies because I turn into a complete basket case afterward. I got all choked up watching this, so good job everyone, turns out I’m not made of stone.

The next morning, Mary Poppins takes them to visit her cousin Topsy to watch her laugh on the ceiling repair the cracked bowl, but Topsy’s having her own set of issues. Mary teaches her every hardship that turns her world upside down can be viewed from a different angle and leveraged into a learning experience. Topsy accepts her chaotic life and agrees to fix the bowl the audience never sees again. After leaving Topsy’s house, the children head over to the bank to visit their father at his place of employment and fulfill the long standing family tradition of almost getting him fired.

On the way home, Burt Jack tries to cheer them up by Stepping in Time Tripping a Little Light Fantastic while teaching them how to speak leerie like Austin Power’s dad. Three things:

1. I didn’t know BMX biking was so popular during the great depression.
2. If you’re gonna pole dance, commit to it.
3. If I saw a pack of white dudes heading toward my house waving tiki torches while shouting, I’d be strapping on my body armor.

When they get home, their father has a full-on meltdown in front of his children about losing the house, and their attempts to cheer him up make him realize he’s been focusing on the wrong issue. Instead of worrying about coming up with a large sum of money, he should have been concerned with how his children have been coping after losing their mother. After a hug and a cry, the family accepts that life will have ups and downs, and they’ll feel like they’ve lost things, but as long as they hold on to each other, they’re never truly empty. They have a nice moment packing their things, thanking their house for its service, saying goodbye to their neighbors, and reassuring them and each other that they will persevere because they have a strong support structure.

And then the movie undercuts that tender message by magically finding the shares of the stock glued to the kite, as if their monetary stability is directly tied to regaining their childlike wonder. Because, you see children, if you clasp your house tightly in your hands, it dies. But if you let it return to the bank because you defaulted on your mortgage, a series of compassionate bankers will talk about fiscal responsibility and eventually give it back to you because as a kid you let your dad put 2 tuppence into a savings account to accrue interest.

This is the exact moment Mary’s soul leaves her body as she watches all of her hard work imparting a non-consumerist mentality in the Banks’ family pass before her eyes like dust in the wind.

But hey, after getting the house back Angela Lansbury will sing a song to remind them what it’s like to be a child, and who among us could possibly be treated to such a wonderful reward?

The end of Mary Poppins Returns is my favorite part of the movie, and the only thing I’ll concede is better than the original. “Let’s Go Fly a Kite” is lame because kite flying is dumb and boring after like 5 minutes. But flying over London with a balloon looks rad as hell, and I’m a sucker for show-ending musical numbers that involve the whole cast.

Now that the Banks’ family has their homestead returned to them, Mary Poppins fucks off into the night, awaiting for another opportunity to compensate for some other parent’s inadequacies. The end.

Also, Willoughby is a great name for a dog, even though it reminds me of that fuckhead from “Sense and Sensibility”.

I’m still mentally processing The Saddest Music in the World, so instead let’s spend the week with flying nannies, shall we?

Keeping up the long tradition of adoring Dame Julie Andrews, let’s enjoy her debut role in Mary Poppins, in which she is practically perfect in every way.

Dick Van Dyke and his cringe-worthy accent introduce us to the two Banks children, Jane and Michael.  They have a mother distracted by smashing the patriarchy, and a father who revels in doing his best Henry Higgins impression.  The children are instead raised by a series of nannies that somehow are dumb enough to get consistently bamboozled by two children under the age of 8.

When a opening for a new nanny arises, Mrs. Banks delegates posting the position to her husband, since he insists he can take a break from talking about how much he loves his country and his routine long enough to handle something as simple as hiring a nanny.  Mary Poppins applies for the job, fast talks her way into the Banks’ lives, and immediately heads upstairs to win the children over with a series of parlor tricks.

FUN FACT: Julie Andrews did all of that whistling, because she is a queen.

After knowing the children for about thirty minutes, she abandons them in a chalk painting so she can watch her boyfriend dance around with penguins.

Also, this is what happens when you talk about your many, many sexual conquests in front of your current girlfriend.

When they do meet up with the children again, Mary inadvertently joins the pursuit of an aggressively Irish fox, and then enters a horse race, which she wins, because of course she does.  She celebrates by singing a bunch of nonsense that will be stuck in our heads for the next 50 years.

FUN FACT: Julie Andrews used to impress the children actors on The Sound of Music set by saying supercalifragilisticexpialidocious backwards.

While Mary Poppins takes the children on a series of interesting errands, their father is increasingly annoyed that someone other than him is making their household pleasant.  Mary casually hints that maybe parenting would be a good way to get into his kids good graces, and manipulates him into taking Jane and Michael to work, because banks are super interesting to children.  Unsurprisingly, the children are more concerned with feeding the birds because Mary brainwashed them by singing a little ditty.  Instead they are forced to listen to their father and his coworkers wax poetic about imperialism and slavery.

In response, Jane and Michael start a riot, and flee the bank in order to avoid their father’s wrath. They get lost and run head-first into Bert on his way to his 7th or 8th part-time gig.  They communicate what happened, and Bert surprisingly takes Mr. Banks side, because he’s just a cog in *the system*.

“Hey kids, did you know your father is a victim of capitalism?  You think it’s easy having your household pander to your every whim?  It’s not all stealing money from your children, wearing a carnation boutonniere and acting all holier-than-thou – Mr. Banks has it tough.  Some white men yelled at him once!  Have a heart!”

When Bert returns the children to their home, their mother, in her infinite wisdom, thinks he looks legit enough to watch her offspring until Mary Poppins returns.  He takes them on an excursion to the roof, which is all fun and games until their elderly ship captain neighbor shoots cannonballs at them because he thinks they’re black.  I’m not kidding.

When Mr. Banks and his bizarre mustache come home after spending his day not nearly concerned enough with where his children wandered off to, Bert kindly suggests that maybe Mr. Banks should pay attention more to his family.  Mr. Banks takes this advice to heart even though Bert is an unrelated chimney sweep, and presumably because he’s a dude.

Mr. Banks tackles this issue head-on by traveling to his place of employment and murdering his boss by telling him a bad joke.  He then returns to his family and manically dances and sings his way into their hearts again because he’s so happy he’s been fired.  He gets rehired not 2 minutes later, but that’s fine because his boss is dead.  The end.

Now to prepare myself for another famous Disney remake sequel, Mary Poppins Returns…