Surprise! I officially ran out of holiday-based movie musicals on the Rotten Tomatoes list, but I couldn’t leave you guys hanging without a Christmas post! So here’s something guaranteed to ruin the holiday spirit – Anna and the Apocalypse!

I will admit, this is not my first watch of this movie. My friend Mark recommended this to me several years ago and after viewing I thought, “Hm, that made me sad,” and buried my feelings down deep. Viewing it back in 2019 fresh off heartbreak tainted my opinion of it, and I didn’t want to touch it with a socially distanced 6-foot pole in the subsequent pandemic years. Dusting it off now and reassessing with a fresh set of eyes, I will confess this is a genre-bending masterpiece and y’all have to see it. In fact, you can watch it for free on Hoopla if your library participates!

Anna and her friends are seniors in high school and are making decisions on what they should do after they graduate. Anna’s aggressively platonic best friend John plans to go to art school, but Anna wants to take a gap year and travel to Australia to the absolute horror of her father. Her dad tells Anna what a disappointment she would be to her dead mom, and then Anna gets to sit with that information all day at school – what a treat!

Steph, one of Anna and John’s friends, is similarly having a tough time because her parents decided to ship off to Mexico for the holidays, leaving her alone with her girlfriend who also doesn’t want to spend time with her on Christmas. Ouch. She decides to hyper-focus on the city’s homelessness problem to distract herself, and the future headmaster Arthur is like, “Why you gotta be a debbie downer all the time?” and steals Steph’s car keys in retaliation for suggesting they publish something in the school newspaper about it.

Teenage angst is running high in Little Haven, and the only way our protagonists can process their feelings of stagnation is through song!

Lisa, on the other hand, is over-the-moon excited for the Christmas concert as she has a special number planned for her boyfriend Chris. Anna does not have the same luck when it comes to relationships and instead gets propositioned in the hallway by her gorgeous but absolutely daft ex-boyfriend Nick, further cementing her decision to go over 9000 miles away to a completely different continent to get away from him.

“Wait… no.”

John is secretly heartbroken by Anna’s choice to flee as he silently has a big ‘ol crush on her, which makes lunch awkward when Chris and Lisa furiously make out in front of him and Anna at every opportunity. Chris comes up for air long enough for Steph to ask for his help on her homelessness story – if the future headmaster forbids her from posting it on the school blog, she’d make a movie about it instead to circumvent his authority. This logically makes no sense but don’t worry about it, it won’t matter at all in about 10 minutes. Chris agrees since his film teacher has already chided him for producing horror shlock that has no substance.

Teenage angst is running high in Little Haven, and the only way our protagonists can process their feelings about their doomed romantic entanglements is through song!

You ever hear a song and know the reprise is going to destroy you later?

After a hard tonal pivot, we’re treated with this absolute fucking banger, seriously, oh my god, please watch this, it’s one of the most glorious things I’ve ever seen in my whole life.

This is immediately followed by a fairly hilarious “Santa Baby” homage where a bunch of shirtless men dance with candy canes on stage while Lisa asks Santa to come on over and unload his sack.

Chris, Steph and Anna don’t get to witness these truly epic performances because they’re all busy working. John continually wins me over by being the most stylish one of the bunch to talk about how Olive the other reindeer was a total dick.

God, I love this kid.

This film does a great job at balancing the serious and the hilarious without giving you too much emotional whiplash. Nothing shows this balance better than “Turning My Life Around”, which features some truly epic dancing and zombie deaths.

The culmination of this joyous declaration of independence is, of course, the realization we have no control over our lives and everything and everyone is totally fucked. That’s right, zombies have come to town.

There were plenty of clues up until this point hinting at the eventual zombie takeover with car radio news stories about the pandemic, kids coming down with the flu, the insistence everyone use hand sanitizer… basically a bunch of stuff we are all acutely familiar with. The characters in the movie handled it the same way all of us did, by ignoring it until it became a problem that shuffled up to our literal doorstep.

Anna and John take refuge in the bowling alley and run into Steph and Chris, who have been camping out there since the night before. While the cell towers are out they still have internet access, and Steph floats the conspiracy theory that their current situation is the result of big pharma. If you’re immediately triggered by this sentiment, don’t worry, nothing will tin hat after this as it never comes up again. They spend the rest of the day waiting for the army to save them and theorizing which celebrities have already turned zombie. This seemingly low-key outing is interrupted when Steph has to kill the zombie cleaning lady with a toilet lid because she is an absolute savage.

There’s actually a good number of disgusting and amusing decapitations that had me cringing and laughing at the same time. The best of which are featured in a clear Shaun of the Dead homage cued to music and everything.

The next morning, after realizing the entirety of army has been turned, the foursome decide to head to the closest designated evacuation zone, their high school. Anna’s dad, Lisa and Chris’ grandmother Dot have been patiently waiting for help there. Dot has a bad heart, and when Lisa asks Arthur, the headmaster-in-charge, for medication, he basically says that it’s OK to sacrifice grandma in the name of capitalism.

God, I hate how accurate this movie ended up being.

While tiptoeing from the safe bowling alley through the unsafe streets, they run into everyone’s favorite piece of garbage, Nick, who has formed a gang of other assholes to loot stores and knock off zombies blocks. After criticizing John for being too beta, Nick asserts his alpha status in a song that definitely doesn’t resemble “Eye of the Tiger”.

Nick surfing on the cart filled with toilet paper is, again, too real.

Also, I giggled at this much longer than I should have.

Now escorted by their own personal security team, the kids continue their quest to reach the school. Anna is still convinced she will head to Australia after things are sorted, while John suggests that potentially, maybe, she stick around during the end of the world. Anna picks up that John is pining for her and assertively friendzones this poor kid during the apocalypse. John cannot catch a break, even with being the best dressed of the squad.

As the sun starts to set, the gang stumbles across a shortcut through a Christmas tree farm. Although it seems dangerous because of the lack of visibility, they decide to press on because they’re extremely stupid.

When I was a kid, my friend owned Titanic on VHS, and every once in a while she’d convince me to watch it with her. Because it was so fucking long it was split between two tapes, the first one mainly focusing on the love story between Jack and Rose and the second starting directly after the ship hits the iceberg. Most of the time we’d just watch the first tape and forgo the second one entirely so we could invent an ending where Jack and Rose made it to New York and lived the rest of their lives together.

I mention this because the rest of this movie is a bummer. If you’d like to imagine a world where Anna and everyone she cares about escape the city and live happily ever after, stop reading now! Merry Christmas! I’ll see you again in 2023!

For the rest of you masochists, I regret to inform you that in the skirmish, John and a bunch of Nick’s friends get bit by zombies and die. Also, the penguins are eating people. From here on out I pretty much sob and wonder why I torture myself by letting this movie trample all over the little bit of Christmas spirit I can force myself to muster. Conversely, Anna gets super strength from her grief and takes out a bunch of zombies on the way to the school.

Once the remaining kids reach the building, they are confronted by a very calm Arthur eating his Christmas dinner. He ushers them into the cafeteria and the gang is surprised to discover everyone sheltered there has succumb to the virus. Arthur apparently lost his fucking mind when the remaining survivors decided they should try to move on from the school since nobody was coming to their rescue, so now he’s hellbent on killing everyone else for some unknown reason. Thankfully Anna’s dad, Lisa and Dot are suspiciously absent from the horde, and after the gang narrowly escapes Arthur’s trap, they roam the school trying to find their loved ones and grab Steph’s car keys so they can hightail it out of there.

Steph and Chris discover Lisa and Dot hiding in a storeroom, but unfortunately Dot has fallen victim to her heart condition. After saying goodbye to grandma, the 3 of them navigate to Arthur’s office to grab Steph’s keys, but discover the way is blocked by their shuffling former classmates. Lisa and Chris provide a distraction with Chris’ latest creation of a more personal nature – a clip show of the friend’s exploits the last few days. Meanwhile Steph reenacts every stealth video game I’ve ever played by rolling her way under tables to reach the office door. When the batteries die in Chris’ phone and the movie stops, the zombies descend on Chris and Lisa. Steph can only look on in despair as she has to leave her friends behind. They may be doomed to die, but I take the tiniest bit of comfort in the fact they are together.

I hate everything.

Anna and Nick wander off to find her dad and Nick confesses his own father was bitten and forced his son to kill him, which I think is an attempt to humanize Nick or something? He’s not a dick because he took Anna’s virginity and dumped her afterward and bullies everyone in the entire school, he’s just been living under his army dad’s high expectations! When zombies attack the pair, Nick sacrifices himself to protect Anna so she can escape. She discovers her dad’s being held hostage by psycho-Arthur, and a musical battle ensues.

I honestly don’t understand why Arthur hates Anna’s dad so much. This is literally never explained.

While Anna is kicking some ass, dad overtakes Arthur and gets bit in the process. Dad wishes Anna a Merry Christmas before sending her away, and Anna heads outside with Nick (yes, he survives, bleh) with the small hope that Steph and the others will return with a way out of Little Haven.

Thankfully this movie didn’t kill its gays, and Steph pulls up in her sedan like a knight in shining armor. The remaining 3 contemplate where they should go, but with no clear path forward, they drive into the unknown.

There’s no such thing as a Hollywood ending.

Y’know, the holidays are always such a weirdly emotional time for everyone. I spend 25 days losing my mind trying to prepare for Christmas, the week after attempting to catch up with friends I haven’t seen all year, and the few days after New Years watching Fleabag in my basement while crying my eyes out. I honestly hate winter, it sucks all the hope out of you.

I understand the sentiment that the holiday season is an good reminder to appreciate and spend time with your family, because they’re supposed to be more important than the capitalist juggernaut Christmas has become. But, like, sometimes your family sucks. The more everyone reiterates the reason for the season, the harder it gets not to retreat inside your self-defeating inner monologue if you don’t have that happy bouncy support system. As the days go on, it can feel increasingly isolating as the others around you turn into a horde of winter-based cheer.

The metaphor of wanting more and not being able to self-actualize without physically leaving everyone else behind (whether by choice or because they’ve succumbed to the zombie virus) can be incredibly cathartic to watch this time of year. After the magic of Christmas has worn off, you realize Adulthood has no roadmap. All you can do is learn how to cope with the never-ending stream of crises and disasters until you die, and until that point, it’s up to you to create the moments that make staying alive worth it. Hooray!

Where was I going with this?

Oh, right. The holidays are primed to be a disaster, and I just wanted to acknowledge that I appreciate those of you who read my silly write-ups. Your support makes things a little less hard. I took on this project back in March 2020 out of spite, and to allow myself to focus on anything else other than the world falling apart around me. I continue it also out of spite. While these reviews are exhausting, I’m learning from them by exercising a muscle that has mostly laid dormant since college. I assuredly will not be crossing the finish line next year, but my progress bar is at 63%, which is encouraging!

So, watch this space in 2023 for more ridiculous commentary on some song and dance numbers.

Happy Holidays!  I’ve got one of my favorite Christmas movies to share with you!

OK, Meet Me in St. Louis isn’t *technically* a Christmas movie as only part of the story takes place during x-mas, but it’s got strong holiday vibes, so here we are.  I saw this movie for the first time a few years ago. One of the characters in The Family Stone says the Christmas ball scene is one of her favorites, so I figured if the movie was good enough to be associated with not one, but two Sarah Jessica Parker movies, it might be worth checking out.  I immediately fell in love with it – Judy Garland is so flipping charming, I found myself grinning every time she was on screen.  The rest of the cast that plays her loud and interesting family are similarly entertaining and hilarious.  I promise, if you love musicals, or are a fan of Steel Magnolias, this will work its way into your seasonal holiday movie rotation.  Also, if it weren’t for this movie, Liza Minnelli might not exist, so respect should at least be paid for that.

Picture it: St. Louis, 1903.  The city is all abuzz for the World’s Fair that is set to open in the next year.  The Smith family, consisting of Mom, Dad, Grandpa, Son Lon, and 4 daughters (Rose, Ester, Agnes and Tootie respectively) are losing their collective minds because Warren Sheffield is placing a long distance call to Rose from New York City that evening, and that call may or may not contain a marriage proposal.  Or, at least everyone except Dad is excited about this, because the family are desperately trying to hide this event from him.

We’re given a glimpse into the family dynamic based on how each member reacts to this call.  Dad is a much-respected member of the household, but the family tends to exclude him from decisions because of his tendency to want to steer a ship they would prefer to guide themselves.  Rose is casually waiting for the phone to ring, insisting boys are the last thing on her mind, while alternatively Esther (played by Judy Garland) is excitingly talking up the possibility of a marriage.  The younger daughters, Agnes and Tootie, are free spirits that are just so incredibly dramatic that most of the other family members roll their eyes every time they speak.  Also, I’m pretty sure Tootie is a psychopath who is legitimately fascinated with killing off her dolls.  Grandpa is a supportive sweetheart willing to go along with his granddaughter’s schemes, along with their housekeeper Katie, who inherently disagrees with the idea of someone proposing over an invention, but decides to lie to the family anyway about having to visit her sister that evening in an attempt to move dinner forward.   There’s much discussion about eating an hour earlier so the family isn’t at the dinner table eavesdropping on Rose’s conversation, but Dad is a fussy king that insists on taking a bath while the sun sets before he can even think of noshing on corned beef.

Sidenote: My father proposed to my mother over the phone, so maybe I should write a strongly worded letter to Alexander Graham Bell for facilitating my birth?

When Esther isn’t gassing up Rose’s romantic prospects, she spends her time ogling her dishy next door neighbor John. The two girls parade outside in order to see if they can’t attract his attention, but as this endeavor proves to be unsuccessful, Esther retreats to pine from the comfort of her window.

I’m fairly certain I didn’t discuss this in the Easter Parade post, but I adore Judy Garland’s distinctive voice.  The first time I heard it was out of the mouth of a cartoon cat in Gay Purr-ee, so it’s always a bit disarming for me to see it come out of this stunning angel.  Judy Garland’s beautiful face makes me think buying an orange-red lipstick is a good idea even though it’d look like garbage on me.  Also, the number of times I’ve watched Gay Purr-ee immediately after watching Meet Me in St. Louis is about 100%.

Anyway, to the great disappointment of Rose and all 9 family members loitering in the dining room, Warren doesn’t propose during his short call from NYC.  Esther remarks how blessed Rose is to have a man call long distance only to inquire about her well-being, and the family echoes the sentiment which helps to lift Rose’s spirit.

With the call out of the way, Esther decides to pivot her nervous energy from Rose’s potential proposal to luring John into the fold.  Esther invites John to a party at their house celebrating their brother’s graduation in an effort to force an introduction between the two of them.  She tells Rose of her intention to make out with John’s face, and Rose’s protest leads to one of the best lines of the movie.

Once at the party, Esther feigns interest in John in order to not come off too strong.  She also keeps her actions understated and polite by performing a song and dance number with Tootie and hiding John’s hat in the breadbox so he can’t leave without talking to her.

After everyone leaves, Esther guides John around the house while she turns off all the gas lights in order to set the mood.  They shake hands to say goodnight, and John gives Esther a compliment every woman longs to hear, “You’ve got a mighty strong grip for a girl.”  This interaction is enough to fuel Esther’s desires, as she compares the beating of her heart to the clang of the trolley in a song that I can never remember the words to, but hum constantly.

Much like Checkov’s Gun, the trolley is introduced only to become a major character in the subsequent Halloween-based incident.  Agnes and Tootie, dressed up like murderers, go out on the town to burn furniture, throw flour at people, and cause general havoc.  When they return later that night, Tootie is wailing because she has a split lip and a missing tooth.  When the doctor asks her what happened, she tells everyone John tried to kill her.  This sends Esther into a well-justified frenzy, storming over to John’s house and slapping him around on his own front porch.  When she returns to the house reveling in biting Tootie’s attacker, Agnes reveals that John did not in fact attack a child.  See, Tootie and Agnes had the great idea to play a prank by throwing a stuffed dress in front of a moving streetcar, which almost derails it when it tries to brake in order not to run it over.  John witnessed this colossally dangerous incident and dragged Tootie and Agnes into the woodshed in order to hide them from the police.  When Esther wanders back over to John’s house to apologize for lashing out at him, he surprisingly accepts the apology, and is apparently so turned on by the abuse he tries to swallow Esther whole.

Esther only has a moment to appreciate she has finally attracted John’s attention before her entire world comes crashing down.  Dad reveals at the end of the year the entire family will be moving to New York City so he can follow a job opportunity.  This is devastating for everyone, and after some initial snark directed at daddy dearest, mother eventually appeals to the strength of the family unit by singing a duet with her husband that definitely doesn’t make me tear up, how dare you suggest that?

I love the several instances of miming playing musical instruments in this movie – it’s truly remarkable how distracting it is.

Time marches on, which is illustrated in the next scene by the blanket of snow that consumes every square inch of the set.  The family has almost concluded packing up their belongings for an eventual move, with each child finding a different thing to focus on in order to distract them from leaving.  Tootie digs up all her dolls from the cemetery and builds a truly disturbing menagerie of snowpeople, while Esther, Lon and Rose are fully immersed in planning who to go to the Christmas ball with.

Esther is going with John, of course, but Lon’s crush Lucille is attending with Rose’s crush Warren, to their mutual chagrin.  Esther convinces Lon and Rose they should go as each other’s dates.  They reject this proposal until Esther assures them how much of a good time they’d have with each other without the pressure of participating in a romantic date.

With everyone set to attend the dance, John visits Esther last-minute to confess he cannot escort her to the ball because he has nothing to wear.  Esther reacts to this news in a calm and measured manner.

When Rose suggests that Esther also go with her and Lon, Esther admits how ridiculous and pathetic it would be to show up at the dance with your brother.  When Rose storms off, MVP Grandpa swoops in and saves the situation by inviting Esther as his date and she gleefully accepts.

At the dance, Esther decides to play a cruel trick on Lucille by taking the liberty to fill out Lucille’s dance card with a bunch of undesirable men, some of which I’m fairly convinced were actual children?  When Lucille arrives, she’s mature enough to admit her date with Warren is a ruse, and she’d much rather be there with Lon.  Warren agrees he’d rather be with Rose, and they swap dates.  Esther, realizing what a queen Lucille is for speaking her mind (and also getting the evil eye from Grandpa), gives her own dance card to Lucille and prepares herself for an evening of truly awkward interactions with the people she had recruited to dance with Lucille.  She is fortunate enough to share her last dance with Grandpa, and she laments it may be their last in St. Louis.  Just when things are starting to look their darkest, John swoops in wearing a suit he obtained somewhere out of thin air, and they share a romantic dance around the Christmas tree.

John proposes to Esther on the way home, and she bursts into tears, because although they love each other and plan to get married, the logistics of them staying together while he lives in St. Louis and she lives in New York City make things seem impossible.  She heads up to her bedroom and notices Tootie is still awake and completely distressed with the prospect of leaving the St. Louis.  Esther sings “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” in order to alleviate her anxieties.

Judy’s rendition of this song brings me to tears every time I hear it.  It’s so beautiful and pushes all of the holiday nostalgia buttons.  Unfortunately, Tootie is not comforted by this song, and instead runs out screaming into the night to murder all her snow creations, because if she can’t take them to NYC with her she doesn’t want anybody else to enjoy them.

Seriously, Tootie is a psychopath.  If the family focuses on anything important during the new year, it better be getting this child to a therapist.  Also, the actress who plays her is phenomenal – those tears are fucking real and they hurt to watch.

Her father witnesses Tootie’s violent rage and finally realizes the impact this move is going to have on his family.  He decides then and there that the family is going to stay in St. Louis and he’ll just have to find some other way to make money.  The family’s jubilation is interrupted momentarily by an outburst from Warren, who storms into the household to yell a marriage proposal to Rose.

If someone proposes to me and doesn’t use the line “I have positively decided that we’re going to get married at the earliest opportunity,” or sings Charlie’s Dayman song at me, I’m saying no.

The family unpacks their belongings, the World’s Fair comes to St. Louis, and the family revels at being located at the best fair a soundstage can house for the foreseeable future.  The end.

I love this movie, it’s so fucking good.  The story, even though it’s not about a whole lot, is super engaging, the music is superb, and it fills me with good time vibes, which is especially helpful during the holiday season where I’m like one fragile moment away from bursting into tears all the time.  Please check out this masterpiece of a film and bask in its comforting glow.

Merry Christmas <3

Welcome to the little-known Irving Berlin classic film White Christmas, starring a bunch of people you’ve never heard of singing a bunch of songs that never really caught on.

I’m joking.  You have to know I’m joking.

Actually, I’m in the minority of people that didn’t see this movie until I was well into adulthood.  Netflix put it up on their streaming service, and I thought, “Sure.  I’d love to know what Clark Griswold’s barometer of cheer is.”  I wasn’t blown away by it, but it worked its way into my yearly yuletide viewing because of two things:

• Bing Crosby’s buttery soft voice that reminds me of when they would dub birds on Looney Tunes with crooners and chickens would lose their shit.
• Vera Ellen’s dancing.  No elaboration needed.

The actual plot of Wallace and Davis saving their former Army General’s inn from going out of business is touching.  I’m going to put a pin in this tangent for later, but I find it really interesting the amount of media released centered around WW2.  We still release WW2-centered movies on a regular basis.  In contrast, events I’ve lived through in my life, like 9/11, the conflict in Iraq and Afghanistan, even the pandemic we’re in right now – we haven’t seen depictions of those events reflected in media on that kind of scale.  Holiday movies that were filmed this year have gone out of their way to avoid referencing that we’re in a pandemic at all.  The lack of extras, overuse of sound stage sets, green-screened Dolly Parton awkwardly floating over dance numbers… it’s almost weirder to avoid the post-apocalyptic-like emptiness completely than it would be to casually reference it.  I understand that media is supposed to be a form of escapism, but ignoring massive touchstones of humanity like they aren’t affecting the entire goddamn planet is almost more eerie.

The romanticism of WW2 may be a way to justify a very dark time in history, and provide comfort to soldiers by looking at the camaraderie through rose-colored glasses.  While White Christmas touches on the adjustment soldiers felt after returning home, other movies on this list like Cabaret and The Sound of Music address the war head-on, so I’ll defer my deep dive and try to keep this review light.  Because (Linda Belcher voice) it’s *Christmas*.

So, right… Wallace and Davis, a couple of showmen stationed overseas during the war, stage a Christmas concert for the troops.  General Waverly, who is injured and soon to be replaced, says goodbye to his soldiers after everyone is already crying at Bing Crosby’s rendition of “White Christmas”.  At the end of the performance, the regiment is attacked, and Wallace saves Davis from a falling building.  Wallace uses the guilt as leverage to convince Davis to join him in a travelling double act after the war is over.

They become wildly successful, but Davis is a bit of a workaholic.  In an attempt to get any semblance of free time away from his friend, Wallace repeatedly sets Davis up with some hot showbiz girlz.   Davis makes a lot of assumptions about their literary accomplishments and blows them off.

Wallace basically reams him a new one, advising Davis that he’s aging quickly and it won’t be long before women won’t find him sexually attractive.  Bob accurately identifies that the age of the women he’s being introduced to is probably inappropriate because they’re at different stages of their lives, but he concedes and promises the next time he finds a lady who wants to pop out kids, he’d consider settling down.

After this heart to heart, they head to a club in Florida to check out the musical act of the relatives of an old army buddy.  Conveniently, the army buddy’s sisters are really hot, so Wallace and Davis are captivated by their performance.  

“Sisters” will get stuck in my head for days after I watch this movie.  It makes me ignore the hilarious fact that these two women are supposed to be related.

Wallace quickly finds out that Judy and him are in a similar situations – Betty is overprotective of her younger sister, and Judy is desperate to get her sister laid so she can have some freedom herself.  They brainstorm ways to force Betty and Bob together, even though there is no reason on earth for them to even like each other.  In fact, Betty and Bobby’s first interaction is a disagreement about how motivations can drive a person’s actions… which seems obvious, but Betty is so offended that Bob might think she has an “angle” that she ices him out.  Even though The Haynes Sisters conned them into viewing their act.  Sheesh.

The romantic subplot between Betty and Bob is EXHAUSTING.  It makes zero sense, they have no chemistry, and it is unbelievably repetitive and tedious.  If I could watch a supercut of this movie that omitted this entirely, I think my enjoyment of this film would skyrocket.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Some convoluted shit happens that results in the sisters climbing out a back window while Wallace and Davis create a distraction for them by performing their “Sisters” number.  It’s a choice.

The quartet is later reunited on a train to Vermont, as the Haynes Sisters have a gig there for the Christmas holiday.  Since Wallace gave away their sleeping car to the dames, Davis bitches about having to sit up in the club car, overselling how comfortable a train bed is every chance he’s provided.  They pass the time singing about how magical Vermont snow is, which is a sentiment expressed by people who haven’t had to shovel their driveway several times a day in negative temperatures so the mailman can reach their front door.

Once they arrive in Vermont, Wallace and Davis quickly discover that their beloved General Waverly owns the Inn Betty and Judy are booked to perform at.  We’re treated to yet another rendition of “Sisters” because it’s the only song Betty and Judy know, and afterward the nosey housekeeper divulges all of the General’s financial woes to Wallace and Davis, which is just so rude, I can’t even start to explain how shitty it is. Turns out, the lack of snow is preventing guests from visiting, and causing the General’s business to slowly go under.  As expected from four people in the entertainment industry, they decide to put on a big show to attract guests.  Wallace and Davis call their entire crew to come to Vermont, even though the day before they had given them 10 days of paid leave off.  If I were their employee, I’d be pissed.

They start rehearsing the show in a barn the size of an airplane hanger.  The first number they rehearse waxes poetic about old minstrel shows, reciting a bunch of jokes about abusing and murdering dogs, and talking about how ‘ol Georgie Primrose was awesome.  How many times am I going to have to address that blackface was bad on this list?

“Mandy” is a weird and annoying song to me, and the stage and costume colors hurt my eyeballs.  But there is one person who saves this number, and it’s Vera Ellen dancing her ass off while being manhandled by a bunch of dudes.

Honestly, it’s my dream to be a part of a musical number where men are forced to pretend you’re the fucking best.

After the number concludes and the 3 people who were watching it applaud, Betty asks Judy if the tempo of the number worked for her in the part of the song that is literally repeated over and over and over… giving Bob the chance to sneak up and play the piano next to her, creating *a moment*.  This feels so tacked on and bizarre and their romance it’s so dummmmmbbbbb ughhhhhh

Later, Wallace and Judy conspire for Bob and Betty to have yet another meet cute where they eat romantic foods like liverwurst and buttermilk and talk about sheep and I just… sure.  Betty apologizes for jumping down Bob’s throat at the club, since he was only there out of the goodness of his own heart.  Bob warns Betty that holding people to impossible standards will ultimately disappoint her, and then a extremely awkward kiss happens between a 51-year-old Bing Crosby and a 26-year-old Rosemary Clooney.

The next morning, Bob has a very well written interaction with General Waverly, where the General expresses interest in joining the army again, only to have those dreams dashed 30 seconds later.  This gives Bob the idea to invite the old regiment to the performance as a way to emotionally validate the General, which is touching and freaking adorable.  He arranges to put the word out to the soldiers on a television program, which the housekeeper overhears incorrectly on the phone and believes that Wallace and Davis are going to parade the general in front of the nation and talk about how pitiful he is for clout and profit.  She communicates this to Betty, who is understandably put off by the idea, but instead of confronting Wallace and Davis about it, or confiding in her sister, or warning the General herself, she decides to commit a series of the most passive aggressive statements and actions that Bob and the crew cannot possibly begin to decipher, even though they point-blank ask her why she is upset multiple times and she declines to inform them.

Judy, who also loves to jump to conclusions, assumes Betty is pushing Bob away because she can’t get married until she does.  Judy then convinces Wallace to pretend they’re engaged so Betty can move forward with Bob guilt-free, except to the surprise of nobody, this completely backfires and Betty drops out of the show and leaves to perform at a club in New York.

Again, this whole fucking thing could have been avoided if the housekeeper or Betty asked Wallace and Davis about what their intentions were for the show.  Betty leaving and not saying a word is not only petty, but also sets up the General to be exploited anyway, which is the whole thing she was upset about in the first place!  Her reaction causes Wallace and Judy to come clean to Bob about their scheme, and he decides to look Betty up while he is in New York and set her straight on the whole situation.  When he finds her, she has the absolute nerve to sing a song about love doing her wrong, even though she’s created all these problems in her own head and OH MY GOD BETTY IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

She’s dismissive of Bob and the news her sister isn’t actually engaged, and he mentally curses himself for writing off the “easy” girls before.  Of course, Betty later discovers she’s been acting a fool, returns to Vermont, and performs in the show.  The regiment travels from all over the country to pay their respects to General Waverly in a scene that makes me tear up cause it’s so fucking precious, goddamn.

In the middle of the performance, Bob and Betty get back together, even though Betty is a toxic person who has not once expressed interest in settling down and popping out 9 children, which was Bob’s only requirement for a mate in the beginning of the movie. I’m sure their relationship will be long and functional.

All these happy maskless white people drinking booze in the same room together really triggers some covid conspiracy-related rage inside of me.  Merry fucking Christmas, everybody.  

Also, here are some more videos of Vera Ellen dancing, because really, that’s what saved this movie for me.