OK, look.  I’m burnt out.  I was a different person when I started Muppet-palooza: I was on furlough, and I naively thought I could stream all of these during the 7-day free trial of Disney+.  The Muppet Movie was so glorious that my expectations of the other 6 movies were… I’m not going to say high, but I was fairly optimistic in the direction this was heading.  After all, I watched 7 Fast and Furious movies in 7 days, and while I thought that would be torture, I came out the other side an indoctrinated member of the Toretto family.

It’s been several months and 2 Disney+ payments under my belt and I just want to be free of this project.  But, I made a commitment and goddamn it, I’m going to follow through.  

This movie is not bad by any stretch, and it has a lot of redeeming qualities, including this melodramatic death scene like 5 minutes into the movie:

I’m not going to bore you with the plot of this, because I’m guessing most people know the basic touchstones of Treasure Island.  This is actually by design, because the team aimed to create another “classic” movie, riding on the coat tails of A Muppet Christmas Carol.  Orphan gets a treasure map, recruits a crew of pirates to go and find the treasure, and is swindled by the kindly cook to give up the map and lead the bad guys to the treasure.  A sword fight between the bad guys and the good guys ensues, and the good guys get the treasure in the end.

Let’s dive into what works about this movie:

• My first thought during the opening credits scene was oh wow, this sounds like Pirates of the Caribbean.  I shortly discovered this is because Hans Zimmer composed this.  It is canon that Muppet Treasure Island walked so Pirates of the Caribbean could run.  There are few more iconic movie scores than Pirates.  Blah blah Star Wars blah blah Harry Potter blah blah Jaws Indiana Jones blahhhhh…  Pirates is better than anything John Williams ever did, don’t @ me.

OK, I’m clearly kidding about John Williams, but you can’t tell me that 17 years after Pirates came out that this isn’t still a bop.

Sorry, I got distracted, what was I talking about?  Right.  Muppets.

• The songs are fairly good, but this is the obvious standout:

The costumes, the choreography, and the humor – it’s the perfect Muppet movie song.  This song is why The Muppets Take Manhattan makes me so mad, because it illustrates the kind of excellence the team is capable of.

• The cast is pretty great.  Tim Curry is doing his best Tim Curry impression, and has enough makeup in his eyebrows that it’d make a drag queen blush.  NOT TO MENTION FUCKING EDINA MONSOON IS IN THIS FOR A HOT MINUTE KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES.  Also, the kid who plays Jim looks like he’s thrilled to be there, which showcases what happens when you cast someone who wants to be in a movie, as opposed to the sad children they forced in front of the camera emotionally dragging down Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

• The sets are truly impressive, as always.  The scene where they burn down the tavern after shoving a bunch of bad guys through broken windows and walls was a joy to watch.

The ship is also pretty cool, which they show in more detail in this behind-the-scenes clip.  There is also a fairly amusing story where the director admits to drugging Tim Curry with Dramamine so he wouldn’t get seasick, which had the side effect of making him almost comatose. 

• The running gag with Rizzo and the cruise ship rats.  Stupid stuff like that is my aesthetic, but the line about the midnight margaritas sent me.

• Sam Eagle.  I feel like I haven’t adequately expressed my love for Sam Eagle in any of the other movie reviews.  He is perfect – the side eye, his curt and earnest statements, and his inability to get caught up in the silliness of the Muppets…  We should protect him at all costs.

I am 100% certain when they cast Jack Davenport as Norrington in Pirates, it was because he did the best Sam Eagle impression.

…I had no idea that this review would just lead to me gushing about another, slightly unrelated movie.  Damn you, Hans Zimmer!

• Miss Piggy’s costume on the island is fabulous.  I’m not joking when I affirm that Miss Piggy is a fashion icon and we should bow down to her.

I also enjoyed she had relationships with almost all the men in this movie, leading her to utter, “I’m beginning to see a pattern in the men I date.”

Also, Kermit has an embroidered Miss Piggy tattoo, which made me giggle.

Things that didn’t work for me:

• The movie is extremely predictable, so there aren’t any stakes, which is probably why I found it hard to keep my attention.  Jim is a kid, so even if his house burns down, or he’s being threatened by pirates, no harm was ever going to come to him.  There was a 0% chance Kermit and the crew wouldn’t end up with the treasure, excited to embark on their next adventure.  I recognize this movie, more than any other Muppet movie, was targeted toward kids, so while this might not have been captivating for me, it very well could be exciting for a younger audience.
• Green screen flipping Kermit.  Physical effects always play better with the Muppets, and the CGI just looked strange.
• There was this terrible trend in the 90s where a pop rendition of the big emotional ballad would play during the ending credits of a movie.  The most famous ones are probably from Beauty and the Beast and Titanic (Thank you, Celine Dion), but we get “Love Led Us Here”, covered by two country stars I’ve never heard of.  It’s so of-its-time, and it has not aged well.  The song in the movie is passable, mostly because it’s cut between scenes of the pirates throwing treasure all over themselves. 

This movie is perfect if you know a kid who loves pirates.  If you’re looking for a Muppet movie filled with more adult-ish humor and touching emotional moments, maybe skip this one. 

Now, we jump forward 15 years to The Muppets.  Jason Segel, here I come…

The post #93 Muppet Treasure Island (1996) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

The Muppet Christmas Carol is a true to form Muppets movie, starting with a panoramic landscape view, following-up with 4th wall breaking gags, physical comedy, jaunty songs, and sincere emotional moments.  The Great Gonzo plays Charles Dickens, an omniscient narrator of the redemption story of Ebenezer Scrooge.  He and his sidekick Rizzo provide the needed levity throughout the entire movie, while we watch Michael Caine make every version of a sad and distraught face he can muster in an hour and 30 minutes.

The opening number, “Scrooge”, is reminiscent of “Belle” from Beauty and the Beast – the entire town is singing about the fact Scrooge is the literal worst, and they wouldn’t waste spit on his grave.  The cast is a good mix of Muppets and humans, but my favorite part of this song are the singing vegetables that also don’t like him.  I was having intense Making Fiends flashbacks, and I couldn’t stop giggling.

“Eat vegetables for every meal, or your lips will start to peel, and your eyeballs will fall out, and your feet will smell like trout.”

Once Scrooge makes it to work, he lashes out at his employees.  He first complains that millennials are buying avocado toast instead of paying their mortgage, and if they keep it up, he plans on evicting tenants left and right like he were an American landlord in the middle of a pandemic.  Kermit, our Bob Cratchit of the film, advocates for workers rights, and while he succeeds in convincing Scrooge to close the next day for Christmas, he fails at preventing his colleagues from dressing up like… whatever this is and dancing around like it’s August and they’ve eaten their weight in watermelon fruit bars.

Deciding he’s had enough of the general public and they’re cheery, caring ways, Scrooge heads home to brood in peace and work on his night cheese.  The rest of the Muppets, free of his tyranny, decide to celebrate by singing something that suspiciously sounds like the Christmas Vacation song.

Once Scrooge returns home, the real crux of the story begins.  For a children’s’ movie, I was impressed at the detail given to set the ambiance for each ghost.  There is a true sense of suspense before his former business partners arrive, starting with the excessive ringing of the bells and the extinguishing of the fire.  The camera sweeps around the room, and seemingly nothing is amiss, but then you notice the fog rising from the stairwell.  The shaky camera focuses on Scrooge’s face, sweating, in a panic, as the room around him is distorted.  For a second you think it may be all in his head, until Statler and Waldorf, playing the ghosts of Jacob and Robert Marley, appear, and start ripping into Scrooge in true heckler fashion. 

This is where I confess that I dislike Charles Dickens.  I was forced to read Great Expectations, Oliver Twist, and A Tale of Two Cities in high school, as if there were a shortage of other white male authors we could read.  His writing style is extremely tedious to me – I think I finally lost it when there were 3 pages in Great Expectations describing how someone butters their bread, and how particularly they eat it.  Unfortunately, every other story written by him is guilty by association, including this Christmas classic that has been adapted 7000 times.

All this to say, I appreciated the Dickens burn when Scrooge utters, “There’s more of gravy than of grave about you.”

The Marley brothers warn Scrooge if he doesn’t alter his behavior, he’ll end up tortured and chained like the two of them and their several singing lock boxes.  They warn him 3 ghosts will visit: one of Christmas past, one of Christmas present, and one of Christmas yet to come.  The spirit of Christmas past reveals Scrooge’s value of money hindered his relationships, so his sweet girlfriend leaves him alone to stew like an incel for the next like 30 years.  Conversely, Gonzo continues to exhibit a healthy chicken-based sexuality.  

The ghost of Christmas present, while very large and jovial, counteracts any good-time feelings by allowing Fred to get in a few sweet burns against his uncle, and chases that with the knowledge Cratchie’s tiny son will die if he doesn’t get any money to treat his unknown, crutch-based disability.

The ghost of Christmas yet to come, who is a literal ring wraith, just points at shit to show Scrooge nobody is going to care when he dies.  And for someone who, up until this point in the movie, didn’t seem to care about what others thought about him, is really bothered by this for some reason.

After the ghosts complete their haunting, Scrooge wakes up in his own bed, and is so motivated by his new lease on life that he visits all the shops Kermit told him would certainly be closed on Christmas.  He buys everyone presents and gathers enough food to feed a feast for kings.  He even makes that tiny caroling bunny lug around a massive turkey all around town, as a treat.  As Scrooge’s new found-family sits around the table to celebrate the holiest of Christian holidays, the cast reprises “When Love is Found”.  Awwwww.

Honestly, this is the only adaptation of this story I can stomach, and dare I say, enjoy?  The Muppets are adorable, the songs are fairly good, the story is well paced, and Gonzo and Rizzo are the most adorable comedic relief throughout the entire movie.  I almost burst into pieces after Rizzo offered jelly beans to an exasperated Gonzo.  They’re so supportive of each other :cries:

Muppet Treasure Island is next, which is my brother-in-law’s favorite Muppet movie, so if this turns out to be garbage I’m holding him personally responsible.

The post #83 The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.