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#25 The Court Jester (1956)

coll2mitts — Tue, 31 Oct 2023 16:28:52 +0000

Happy Halloween! I ran out of creepy musicals, so we’re going to instead recap one where Danny Kaye wears a ridiculous looking costume.

Seriously, it looks like he lost a bet.

The Court Jester is a star-studded film that is only a musical by definition because Danny Kaye occasionally sings. It is the most fast-paced, disorienting, silly movie I have ever watched, and I enjoyed every absurd minute of it.

The movie begins with Danny prancing around during the title sequence to hype up the fairy tale they’ll be reenacting over the next hour and thirty minutes while also assuring the audience actually read the credit sequence. Which, y’know, whatever you gotta do.

Once Upon a Time, King Roderick the Tyrant, a jolly, smiley old man who massacred an entire family to take the throne, is heading home with a bunch of his homicidal friends. One of his knights is unceremoniously murdered by an arrow with a note tied to it, because I’m guessing a pigeon wasn’t available. The Black Fox (think Robin Hood, but way less charismatic), the King’s nemesis, sends a (literal) message to warn King Roderick his days are numbered – There is a rightful heir to the throne, and he’s an infant that has a distinctive flower on his butt!

This has King Roderick shaking in his perfectly aligned tight seams and the group books it back to the safety of the castle leaving the poor unmoving knight on the side of the road. His advisor, Sir Ravenhurst (Basil Rathbone), assures the king this news is nonsense, but the rest of his council (Brockhurst, Finsdale, and Pertwee) suggest the King should form an alliance with Sir Griswold – an alpha male from a neighboring kingdom that is so big and strong he’d send The Black Fox packing. Sir Ravenhurst disagrees, which sends these petty and dramatic queens into a slapping fight which is only quelled when someone suggests they marry off Princess Gwendolyn (my love Angela Lansbury) to Griswold cause she’s got nothing currently on her calendar. Gwendolyn reacts to this news by threatening to jump off the building since she is also a petty and dramatic queen. Her behavior is blamed on her handmaiden Griselda, cause there’s absolutely no other reason why Gwendolyn would want to marry for love.

Meanwhile, the band of The Black Fox are out in the forest having a grand ‘ol time with their in-house entertainment!

They’ve really gotta work on rebranding cause at first glance I thought they were wearing Nazi armbands.

Hubert Hawkins (Danny Kaye), while a jester by trade, wants to contribute more than singing and dancing to the cause. He’s even recruited an entire troupe of little people from the local carnival to free up some of his time to swashbuckle with the rest of them. The Black Fox instead puts him on babysitting duty with a Tarzan swinging Mrs. Banks, which apparently includes flashing the kid’s bottom to anybody who wants to pledge loyalty to a royal.

After discovering there’s a snitch in the castle, the stunningly beautiful Captain Jean (Glynis Johns) and Hubert, in order to keep the baby with the purple pimpernel buttmark concealed, dress in disguise to traffic the child in a wine barrel to an Abbey. Hawkins’ old man shenanigans frustrate the King’s knights enough that they don’t suspect the pair are involved with The Black Fox and let them continue on their journey.

They take shelter in a dilapidated shack for the night and The Captain’s ovaries explode watching Hubert sing the child to sleep with his buttery voice.

And, oh no! There’s only one pile of hay they have to share! Maid Jean keeps her cool by telling Hawkins beta males can attract even strong men like her, and Hawkins replies her she’d make a pretty good girl before planting a kiss on her. Jean tries to steer the conversation back to their mission, but Hawkins, seeing now he has a chance, can’t take his lips off of her.

“I wonder if she’s thinking about other guys…”
“There’s a secret tunnel under the castle that leads to the King’s chambers!”

But wouldn’t you know, at that very moment, the King’s future court jester Giacomo wanders into the shack looking for shelter. He just happens to be the type of person who would have access to the King and be able to grab the key to the secret tunnel. Instead of recruiting him into the cause, Jean brains Giacomo and asks Hawkins to take his place since he has all that convenient carnival experience.

Back at the castle The King is still struggling because Gwennie doesn’t want to marry the Grim, Grizzly, Gruesome Grossy McGrosserson Griswold! Even though he has an unwilling bride-to-be, the King figures if he can distract Griswold with bitches there’s a greater chance he’ll comply, sending his knights out to grab a cartful of them. Ravenhurst also suggests their new jester might be able to provide some levity, which the king agrees to without knowing that Ravenhurst, in addition to being petty and dramatic, is also a scheming queen and The Original Giacomo was hired because he was a secret skilled assassin!

Unfortunately for Jean, the King’s quest for hoes intercepts her baby-concealing wine cart on the way to the abbey and she is dragged to the castle ahead of a bumbling Hawkins. She rendezvous with The Black Fox’s inside guy Fergus and asks him to take the surprisingly mute baby to the Jester’s quarters in anticipation for Hawkins’ arrival. She then steals the key from the King’s quarters herself since she has to do fucking everything.

Hawkins/Giacomo arrives a few moments later to the delight of Ravenhurst and Griselda – the former because he wants Giacomo to go on a murderous rampage, and the latter because she convinced Gwendolyn the dude with the pointy shoes is her One True Love in order to weasel her way out of a Gwendolyn’s pre-wedding murder-suicide pact.

Hawkins tries to determine which person is an ally by spitting in everyone’s faces and unfortunately determines Ravenhurst is his man cause Hubert is dumb as rocks and Ravenhurst keeps giving him the “you’re gonna murder the King’s council for me” eyebrows.

The King asks “Giacomo” to choose the best wench for him since he assumes this man wearing the biggest feather I’ve ever seen in a hat is a massive slut who would be able to tell which bitch was quality. He’s quickly intercepted by Griselda who, in a quest to save her own skin, hypnotizes him into wanting to fuck Gwendolyn. Fergus witnesses this and is rightfully disgusted.

Jean, barefoot and key laden, stumbles upon Hawkins on his way to get his dick wet and since he has a singular focus, Hawkins pimps Jean out to the King. Excited to be dining with such a beautiful woman, the King ignores the fact it’s usually not a good sign if the guards have to physically restrain your date.

Arriving at the Princess’s chambers, “Giacomo” lays on the charm hard, telling her they’ll run away together. The Princess takes the key to the secret tunnel under the assumption they will meet and flee in the dead of night. The King uses this exact moment to check in on his daughter, immediately uncovers her plan to leave and steals the key back making the last 10 minutes useless. After a brief side-quest where “Giacomo” agrees to murder the council for Ravenhurst, Griselda removes the love spell and erases Hawkins’ memory for funsies and to further complicate the plot.

After getting all dolled up, Jean is escorted to the King on the way to dinner only to find out that left unsupervised, Hawkins got himself in a shitload of trouble and also returned the key to the King. He is, however, able to perform well enough to distract the King from the baby in a basket.

Things are further derailed after Griselda poisons the King’s entire council during a toast and somehow nobody cares about this except Ravenhurst who thinks that “Giacomo” did it. This doesn’t prevent the wedding of her lady to Griswold, however, since Gwendolyn outs her love for “Giacomo” the second Griswold walks through the door. Griswold decides to win Gwen’s hand through TRIAL BY COMBAT, which means “Giacomo” needs to be declared a knight to participate.

Ravenhurst, pleased with how his plan is progressing, praises the man who hired Giacomo, who instead blindsides him with, “My guy, this development is cool and all, but I’ve never seen that dude in my life.” They assume Hawkins is The Black Fox for whatever reason, and instead of ratting him out to the king, they advocate for expediting the jester’s knighthood so he will be forced to kill Griswold. The knights go out of their way to rig the tests so THE CANDIDATE PASSES, damning Hawkins to most certainly die by Griswold’s blade.

Tasked with keeping the mission afloat, Captain Jean attempts to seduce the king to once again steal the key. She succeeds in both turning him on, and then turning him off by regaling the plague that unfortunately killed her family, and like, imagine being scared of catching a contagious virus. Just take some horse dewormer, King, you’ll be fine. Jean gets the key and hands it off to Fergus to be sent by bird to the legitimate Black Fox, proving you don’t need to send messages by murder.

Hawkins’ fears are inching closer and closer to reality as he is incredibly enthusiastically knighted by ceremony. Griswold immediately challenges him to TRIAL BY COMBAT and Hawkins accepts under the assumption The Black Fox will come soon and take his place in battle.

Those quickly shuffling men that resemble a marching band on steroids are The American Legion Zouaves Post no. 29 from Jackson, Michigan. Formed in 1898 as an exercise group, the drill team were famous for moving at 300 steps per minute and being able to launch all 18 of them over a 12 foot wall in 22 seconds. When Hollywood came calling, they initially thought it was a joke until they heard they were scouted based on one of their 5 performances on the Ed Sullivan Show. A group of 200 people saw them off on their flight to film in California while carrying a key to the city to be delivered to Danny Kaye. Their favorite person to talk to on set was Angela Lansbury, which is the most believable thing in the world to hear. Basil Rathbone attempted to learn the steps but apparently was not very successful since it’s just as hard as it looks.

Steering back from that tangent, the morning of the big fight arrives and The Black Fox is nowhere to be seen as the secret passage is partially collapsed only leaving room for someone the size of a small child and if only The Black Fox knew of several small child-sized men who could navigate their way through the tunnel and start a diversion… The Black Fox, instead of saving Hawkins’ life, decides to change the plan by recruiting Hawkins’ acrobat friends (which he could have done at the beginning of this movie) and use them as a distraction to gain access to the castle.

Hung out to dry, Hawkins once again finds an ally in Griselda, whose neck is once again on the line as Gwendolyn declares if Giacomo is killed Griselda will be next. Griselda only knows of one way to kill a man, however, and poisons one of the cups that will be used for the pregame toast, as if pregame toasts were a thing. Problem is, Hawkins is having issues trying to remember which chalice’s contents won’t make him foam at the mouth and limply fall over.

RED LEATHER YELLOW LEATHER RED LEATHER YELLOW LEATHER UNIQUE NEW YORK UNIQUE NEW YORK

But right before the joust Hawkin’s armor is struck by lightning which magnetizes it and oh my god I think whoever wrote this movie was on cocaine what is even happening. Danny Kaye changes out of his disco tunic and belt-I-swore-they-sold-at-Hot-Topic-in-2003 combo and dons his electrified armor to face his destiny. After the toast goes absolutely nowhere since Griswold gets word of the poison, they begin to battle and Griswold immediately knocks Hawkins’ block off.

BUT THROUGH THE POWER OF A LITERAL ACT OF GOD Griswold’s mace gets stuck to Hawkins’ shield and he falls off his horse in defeat. Hawkins spares Griswold’s life and is promised Gwendolyn’s hand in marriage after The King’s mealy mouthed apology about trying to get him killed and shit. This is a short lived victory as Hawkins is quickly outed by Ravenhurst as The Black Fox and Captain Jean as his accomplice. Poor Fergus was caught and tortured to reveal the heir apparent is hiding in the castle somewhere and Ravenhurst isn’t about to take his chances at The Black Fox snatching the title of son-in-law.

Captain Jean and Hawkins are summoned before the court with Hubert sporting a surprising amount of chest hair for a prisoner. It’s at that moment dozens of acrobats descend on the knights, launching their hilariously mannequin-esque bodies via catapult into the sea.

While The Black Fox and his men overthrow the castle, Hawkins confronts Ravenhurst mono e mono to mixed results. It isn’t until Griselda Space-Jam-waters him into having confidence that Hawkins is able to corner Ravenhurst for a small moment to show off his wonderful dissection skills.

Hawkins eventually is able to scream and flail around long enough for the acrobats to launch a Ravenhurst-dressed rag doll into the sea, only to then be confronted by Griswold who wants to take down the traitors. The holy infant is then lowered from the ceiling so Hawkins can once again show off its ass revealing the baby as the true heir. The king is overthrown, Hawkins ends up with Jean, Gwendolyn magically likes Griswold for absolutely no reason, and a literal infant with no capabilities of ruling takes the throne. All hail the holy bloodline.

THE END.

This movie is a plot-heavy non-stop frantic fever dream that is also incredibly charming and funny. While I’m not completely sold on Danny Kaye and Glynis Johns’ romantic connection, they play off each other incredibly well.

The whole cast sells the story in all its grand, melodramatic farce. Angela Lansbury, who is disorienting to see with long hair, cracked me up every time she threated to hurl herself off of a turret or murder a maid in order to get her way. Glynis really is our true hero, constantly running around keeping the motley crew on track, even if they didn’t let her wear shoes the entire movie. Danny Kaye’s facial expressions alone would have been worth more than the price of admission. I’ve watched this 4 times now and I find something new to giggle at during each repeat.

If you’re looking for an evening full of brainless slapstick, The Court Jester more than fits the bill. Let the man in the ostentatious outfit entertain you – it’s his job.

The post #25 The Court Jester (1956) appeared first on Welcome to Oaty McLoafy!.

#40 Mary Poppins Returns (2018)

coll2mitts — Thu, 20 May 2021 03:05:00 +0000

Mary Poppins Returns is a sequel that’s just a remake in a thinly veiled disguise.

I’ll give Disney just the tiniest, itty bittyiest bit of credit, because they could have straight up remade Mary Poppins. Instead, they actually put in the effort to create a new story and write all new songs, even if it follows the format identically and kind of retcons the message of the original movie.

A small tangent before we begin: My mother would always give some snide comment when we watched Disney movies that killed off the mother, because she felt personally slighted that Disney was perpetuating the idea (consciously or unconsciously) that mothers were not important. God forbid you were a step mother, because then you were truly the scum of the earth. As a writer, killing off one or both parents is an easy thing to do to remove any barriers that would prevent the children in your stories from having big adventures. Either mom’s dead because dad “wouldn’t care” if he didn’t know where his children were, both parents are dead and the kid is being watched by some family member that feels burdened by their existence, or the kid is sent off to a boarding school somewhere and can semi-easily sneak away from any authority figures. I feel like it’s sort of uncommon for a story targeted toward children to emotionally process the loss of that parent(s). For all the catty things I’m about to say about this movie being a drop-and-place replacement for the original, I do think Mary Poppins Returns did a fairly good job at illustrating healthy coping mechanisms.

Michael and Jane Banks are a few decades older, with Michael residing in their old family home with his three young children. Earlier that year, Michael’s wife passed away, and he is clearly grieving the loss of her while simultaneously assuming all the household duties. Michael is a teller at the bank his father worked for, and after experiencing some issues with making ends meet, he took out a loan that he had forgotten to send a few payments for. The bank reacted to this in a proportionate way by requesting Michael now pay off the entirety of the loan by the end of the week, otherwise he loses the house. Jane remembers her father, a typically meticulously organized and regimented person, rat-holed away some bank shares that Michael could use to pay off the loan, but neither her nor Michael know where they’re hidden inside the house.

The two older children, noticing that their father is struggling, have assumed roles no children should take on, like calling plumbers and strategizing purchasing groceries with the small amount of money their father gives them. Cue Mary Poppins.

The youngest and most unruly child deviates from their mission for food to fly Jane and Michael’s old kite he found in the attic while looking for bank shares. The wind takes it away, and when it is reeled in, it’s carrying more than any of the children expected.

When Mary Poppins returns to the Banks household, Jane and Michael remember her instantly. Having just been told that in his house will be foreclosed on unless he coughs up an insane amount of money, Michael is unwilling to hire her. Jane counters with the But it’s Mary Poppins defense, and he caves.

Mary immediately insists on the children taking their medicine taking a bath, and magical hijinks ensue.

Everyone got all salty about Bedknobs and Broomsticks being too close to Mary Poppins (even though it’s not), but here we are almost 50 years later dabbling in the charming wonder of “Beautiful Briny Sea”, because every good movie needs an underwater level.

But this only brings momentary respite from their current predicament, as their father still doesn’t have the money to save the house. The kids brainstorm ideas to get cash fast, and one of them suggests pawning a bowl in their nursery that used to be their mother’s. The other two children are not convinced on this plan, however, and a fight breaks out, where they inadvertently drop and crack the bowl. Mary Poppins notices the painting on the bowl is damaged and decides to jump into the chalk painting jump into the bowl to fix it. They repair a broken carriage by tying a scarf around it and then detour to a Royal Music Hall so Mary Poppins can perform this delightful number to promote literacy, um diddle diddle diddle, um diddle ay!

I acknowledge that Lin Manuel Miranda is a delightful person and a talented composer, but… dude is not a very strong singer. He excels at his whiney rap shtick, which is his aesthetic, and good for him, because he’s made bank on it! I personally can’t get over the corniness of Hamilton because it reminds me of the scene in 10 Things I Hate About You where the lit teacher starts rapping Shakespeare to appeal to The Youths. But, LMM is kind of perfect for Disney movies because he’s “edgy” in a completely non-offensive way. His accent is about as believable as Dick Van Dyke’s, but he gives his “I’m just an man enamored by everything” smile and I kinda shrug like, whatever, I guess we’re doing this.

Anyway, some weird thing happens with a cartoon wolf trying to steal Georgie’s stuffed giraffe, and the children wake up in their beds from a nightmare. When Mary Poppins comforts them, the children finally admit they miss their mother. She sings them her version of “In the Sweet By and By”, using a metaphor about losing toys to teach them that although things aren’t in your life forever, the memories you have will never go away.

For whatever reason, even though I’m like the least maternal person on the planet, sad children will 100% make me cry. I literally cannot watch Pan’s Labyrinth, Changeling, or Grave of the Fireflies because I turn into a complete basket case afterward. I got all choked up watching this, so good job everyone, turns out I’m not made of stone.

The next morning, Mary Poppins takes them to visit her cousin Topsy to watch her laugh on the ceiling repair the cracked bowl, but Topsy’s having her own set of issues. Mary teaches her every hardship that turns her world upside down can be viewed from a different angle and leveraged into a learning experience. Topsy accepts her chaotic life and agrees to fix the bowl the audience never sees again. After leaving Topsy’s house, the children head over to the bank to visit their father at his place of employment and fulfill the long standing family tradition of almost getting him fired.

On the way home, Burt Jack tries to cheer them up by Stepping in Time Tripping a Little Light Fantastic while teaching them how to speak leerie like Austin Power’s dad. Three things:

I didn’t know BMX biking was so popular during the great depression.
If you’re gonna pole dance, commit to it.
If I saw a pack of white dudes heading toward my house waving tiki torches while shouting, I’d be strapping on my body armor.

When they get home, their father has a full-on meltdown in front of his children about losing the house, and their attempts to cheer him up make him realize he’s been focusing on the wrong issue. Instead of worrying about coming up with a large sum of money, he should have been concerned with how his children have been coping after losing their mother. After a hug and a cry, the family accepts that life will have ups and downs, and they’ll feel like they’ve lost things, but as long as they hold on to each other, they’re never truly empty. They have a nice moment packing their things, thanking their house for its service, saying goodbye to their neighbors, and reassuring them and each other that they will persevere because they have a strong support structure.

And then the movie undercuts that tender message by magically finding the shares of the stock glued to the kite, as if their monetary stability is directly tied to regaining their childlike wonder. Because, you see children, if you clasp your house tightly in your hands, it dies. But if you let it return to the bank because you defaulted on your mortgage, a series of compassionate bankers will talk about fiscal responsibility and eventually give it back to you because as a kid you let your dad put 2 tuppence into a savings account to accrue interest.

This is the exact moment Mary’s soul leaves her body as she watches all of her hard work imparting a non-consumerist mentality in the Banks’ family pass before her eyes like dust in the wind.

But hey, after getting the house back Angela Lansbury will sing a song to remind them what it’s like to be a child, and who among us could possibly be treated to such a wonderful reward?

The end of Mary Poppins Returns is my favorite part of the movie, and the only thing I’ll concede is better than the original. “Let’s Go Fly a Kite” is lame because kite flying is dumb and boring after like 5 minutes. But flying over London with a balloon looks rad as hell, and I’m a sucker for show-ending musical numbers that involve the whole cast.

Now that the Banks’ family has their homestead returned to them, Mary Poppins fucks off into the night, awaiting for another opportunity to compensate for some other parent’s inadequacies. The end.

Also, Willoughby is a great name for a dog, even though it reminds me of that fuckhead from “Sense and Sensibility”.

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#100 Bedknobs and Broomsticks (1971)

coll2mitts — Tue, 31 Mar 2020 02:16:00 +0000

I’ve got all this time on my hands, so I decided to watch through the 100 Best Musical Movies of All Time, as rated by Rotten Tomatoes. I already have qualms with this list, because #100 is Bedknobs and Broomsticks, and I unironically love this musical, go ahead and fight me. When I was a child, my sister and I would watch this movie all the time, on my parent’s brass bed, and pretend we were travelling along with them. I tried unscrewing the knobs off their bed, too, along with every nut holding the thing together. My mother was not pleased.

Since I own this on blu-ray, it was easy to track down and watch again for the like hundredth enjoyable time.

The case for Bedknobs and Broomsticks being one of the BEST musicals of all time:

1. This musical is set during one of the most fucking dark times of human history, and it does this strange thing of presenting the harsh reality of the war contrasted with the struggle of trying to maintain some type of normalcy when everything is going to shit. It takes place during World War 2 during the invasion of England, and the first scene is of a man painting over the street signs so the Nazis would get lost. Miss Price (Angela Lansbury), a satisfied single woman living her best kid-free life in a house on the countryside, is training to be a witch through a correspondence course, so she can use her powers to help the war effort. She is forced to house 3 children from London to keep them safe while Nazis are literally bombing the city. In fact, later in the movie, they travel to London (via bed, because of course), and they find out that the man Miss Price has been corresponding with, Mr. Browne, is squatting in an abandoned mansion because there is an unexploded bomb in the front yard. And if that wasn’t enough, in the climax of the film, all the main characters chase off invading Nazis with enchanted suits of armor. As a child, this whole scene was so unbelievably creepy to me – moving suits of armor that are completely hollow inside swinging medieval weapons at Nazi solders. It felt like zombies were marching across the fields and I still love it. What kind of kids movie does this?!

I know what you’re thinking, and no, the Sound of Music does not do this. It’s all “my dad might bang my nanny!” and “my boyfriend might be a National Socialist” until they have to run from the Nazis at the end. Literally everything in Bedknobs and Broomsticks comes as a result of the war.

2. The songs are fire. You cannot tell me that once you hear “Eglantine”, or “Substitutiary Locomotion”, that they won’t be stuck in your head the rest of the day. Not to mention “The Beautiful Briny Sea” is just a fun green screen romp with a bunch of animated fish. Watching Miss Price and Mr. Browne dance on the sea floor cracks me up every single time. The way Angela Lansbury paddles her little feet, it kills me.

Angela Lansbury is just a musical treasure, I love her so much.

Does the movie use the musical numbers in a unique or groundbreaking way? No, but I think that’s fine. I don’t even mind when they introduced the “Portobello Road” number to clearly stretch the runtime of the movie, because it’s just fun to watch. The only song I could live without is “The Age of Not Believing”, because it’s nothing special, and does nothing to move the plot forward or entertain anybody. Charlie’s inability to believe in magical things starts and ends with the song.

3. For 1971 special effects, it’s extremely charming. I like that they’re on a strange acid trip when the bed travels, and it sparkles as it disappears and reappears. Same with the never ending parade of people and animals Miss Price turns into rabbits. As a kid, I could not, for the life of me, figure out how all these objects just moved by themselves. They gave empty suits of armor personalities when they were, you know, fighting Nazis. When they all deflate like bagpipes at the end :chefs kiss:

The mix of live action and animation is satisfactory, although I could live without the entire soccer game. The fact they call it soccer when it takes place in England is just so bizarre to me. The uselessness of this scene is only highlighted later on in the movie, when you find out they didn’t need to go there in the first place.

4. I think this movie doesn’t get the credit its due because it will forever live in the shadow of Mary Poppins. While there are similarities in the premise of a magical woman taking care of children that aren’t hers (and they happen to take a trip to an animated magical land where animals dance), the core of the movie is much different. Instead of a magical nanny bringing a family back together, it’s about learning to create your own family, even in the most dire of circumstances. Miss Price and Mr. Browne were not intending to become parents, and were content on hacking it on their own, but throughout the film they discovered that human connections were something they wanted, and it was more important to maintain those than their own selfish pursuits. Bedknobs and Broomsticks is about a group of strangers learning how to make meaningful and supportive connections with each other, and I think that’s adorable.

Oh, and it’s also about kicking Nazis.

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